The Degenerate Gambler: Week Three

The Degenerate Gambler is a weekly column that sets over/unders on various things around the NFL. The Degenerate Gambler in no way endorses gambling, degenerate activities of any kind, or even reading this column.

Ben Roethlisberger's temperature at gametime. Over/under: 104½.

Why does Ben Roethlisberger keep making stuff up about injuries and illnesses? First, there was the broken toes that never existed, and now, it's a temperature of 104. Michelle Tafoya said she heard it from Roethlisberger directly, and I have no idea why she'd make up something like that. And if Roethlisberger did report his temperature as 100.4, then what's he being such a sissy about? 100.4? My temperature gets that high trying to watch the Spice channel through a scrambled signal.

Which brings us to the most intriguing game of the week, the Steelers vs. the Bengals. Despite whatever mystery ailment the heroic Roethlisberger has to triumph over this week, it still might be a good idea to pay some attention to Carson Palmer in his first game against the team that Kimo'd his knee (though, sadly, Kimo von Oelhoffen is no longer in Pittsburgh, but there is still time to work out a trade).

Palmer hates the Steelers. Hates them. Hates them like Kurt Warner hates sin, or like Warren Sapp hates bathing. He probably hasn't left the film room all week, except to go to the bathroom, where he's pasted Joey Porter's face onto a urinal cake.

And don't underestimate how badly Pittsburgh needs this game. If their offense happens to look like it did last week, then they're going to find themselves at 1-2, already two games back of the Bengals, with an offense that isn't functioning at any level near what did last year. If there would ever be an appropriate time to panic during Week 3, that would be it.


Number of times this season Marc Bulger has called Mike Martz to tell him he misses him: 114.

101.5, 93.7, and 94.4. Those are not radio stations or Ben Roethlisberger temperature readouts, those are QB ratings that Marc Bulger has posted in previous years as the quarterback of the St. Louis Rams. Through two games this year, his quarterback rating is hovering down at 77.0, his yards-per-attempt is a shockingly low 5.91, he's been sacked 9 times (second only to Daunte Culpepper), and his completion percentage is 54.5, when it's never been below 63.2 in his career.

Meanwhile, under Mike Martz in Detroit, Jon Kitna's quarterback rating is up to 85.4, his completion percentage is 65.7, and his yards-per-attempt is 6.85, both career highs for him since his first year in the league with Seattle, where he started just one game and threw 45 passes in relief of Warren Moon, who has been retired since 2001.

So yeah, I think it's safe to say that Marc Bulger misses Mike Martz. Things aren't ever going to get that good for him again. And it's a shame, Bulger was built perfectly for a Mike Martz system. He's got a Calista Flockhart arm, but he's deadly accurate, his timing is perfect, and he can make good decisions with the ball downfield. It's not a criticism, necessarily, but head coach Scott Linehan evidently has no interest in making use of those skills.

Forgive me while I mourn the loss of a great fantasy quarterback. That Marc Bulger, I'm afraid, is dead.


Catches for Mike Furrey: Over/under: 4.

I know what you're thinking, and here is who the hell Mike Furrey is: he is the Detroit Lions leading receiver, with 11 catches for 122 yards on the season, both team highs. In case you're wondering, Mike Furrey has more catches and yards than Roy Williams, Charles Rogers, and Mike Williams combined. Mike Furrey, ladies and gentlemen.

Let's meet Mike Furrey. Mike enjoys going to Bob Evans before every game, and he relaxes with the art of woodworking. His wife shares a first name with Koren Robinson, and hopefully, not much else. Furrey was an undrafted free agent in 2000, has played for the Las Vegas Outlaws of the XFL and the New York Dragons of the Arena Football League. Furrey also says that it's a goal of his to work in the construction business after his football career.

I guess Mike Furrey isn't planning on his NFL career being all that lucrative. Funny, I don't remember Charles Rogers or Mike Williams talking about getting into construction when their career's over. Not that that's a bad thing, it just seems a little unambitious on the part of Mr. Furrey.

I think we're all better off for having gotten to know Mike Furrey.


Passing yards for Chad Pennington against Buffalo: Over/under: 215.

This game combines two of the most fascinating subplots of the season to this point: the resurrection of Chad Pennington, and how an octogenarian managed to turn the Bills defense into a ferocious, attacking, monster.

Buffalo has given up just 163 passing yards per game, and an average of 12.5 points. What's most impressive about it is that they've switched to a Tampa-style Cover 2, where the safeties have enormous responsibility, the two safeties they have back their handling business are rookies. Ko Simpson and Donte Whitner have been outstanding in coverage, which is very rare for rookies. It wasn't that long ago that Marv Levy was being openly mocked for the Whitner selection, and now he looks like a genius. Like a genius who died three years ago, maybe, but a genius nonetheless.

Simpson and Whitner will be going up against the irrepressible Chad Pennington this week. Look at what Huck Penny's done this year: a completion percentage over 65, a quarterback rating of 107.1, an awesome 8.93 yards-per-completion, and 625 yards in two games. Granted, one of those games was against the Titans, who I believe are actually starting two of the Wayans brothers in their secondary. But Penny did the same thing to New England, too, and they're no chumps.

I did not see this coming. In fact, I'll be honest with you: I had pretty much left Pennington for dead. I thought he was injury-prone, inconsistent, and as brittle as Marv Levy. I am now very much looking forward to the Pennington/Cotchery era.


Number of games in the Superdome until it's not weird anymore. Over/under: 7.

I can't speak for the rest of you, but I'm anticipating feeling a little bit weird about watching a football game being played in the Superdome. The Superdome was pretty much the symbol for all the atrocities that took place after Hurricane Katrina. The roof of it was ripped open by the storm, it housed refugees who couldn't get help, and it was the site of brutal lawlessness and anarchy. For me, the memories of all those of watching those things unfold on CNN trumps any memories I have of watching football that took place in the Superdome, and I don't think I'm going to be able to get that out of my brain.

And I wasn't even there, I just saw it on TV. I can't imagine how it's going to feel for someone who was there, someone who was the victim of a crime there, to see Michael Vick get tackled at the very spot on the field where they were raped. I hate to be a parade-rainer, and I'm glad, honestly, really really glad that the Superdome's going to be opening again. But there's no way it isn't going to feel really strange for a lot of people out there.