The Kornheiser Chronicles: Week 03

I've found Tony Kornheiser's performance on Monday Night Football to be pretty inconsequential and pointless thus far, but I'm now starting to turn the corner ... but not in a good way. Last night, I found myself cultivating a pretty substantial dislike for Tony Kornheiser presence on Monday Night Football.

Granted, it might not be fair to judge him on the events of last night. The game was not broadcast under normal circumstances, and ESPN clearly felt it was their job to cover the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, instead of the football game. Greta Van Susteren said almost as much about the Falcons/Saints game last night as did everyone on ESPN combined.

And Tony was clearly sticking to that plan. His goal for the night seemed to be to insert as much long-winded pontification as possible. If ESPN wanted that, they should've hired Bob Ley for the job. I've never heard anything quite like it, really. I'd imagine that Sinead O'Connor would behave similarly if she was given the position between Mike Tirico and Joe Theismann.

Immediately after the remarkable blocked punt in the first quarter, with the building absolutely electric, Kornheiser decided then that it was a time to go on a lengthy screed about the poignancy of the moment, and what it all meant, etc etc etc. I can't speak for the rest of the audience, but I was able to gather to significance of the moment, just by watching things like the building explode, the Saints celebrate, and the non-stop applause and adulation for the players.

I felt like that was the exact opposite of what he was hired for. He was hired to entertain, to be clever, to pick his spots and interject things that might be amusing and/or insightful. Right then, Tony Kornheiser did the opposite of entertain. He damn near killed an outstanding moment.

Other Kornheiser highlights...

• He started with the talk about his fantasy football team very early in the broadcast. Which is good, because it sets the bar very low, very early.

• Joe Theismann made a comment early in the game about the slickness of the new turf in the Superdome, saying that receivers had to "run with their body on top of their legs." It's kind of a goofy way to say it, and it's easy to pick on. And Kornheiser did just that, preventing Theismann from making what was actually a good and relevant point--that the receivers had to run, plant, and cut more carefully. Theismann did make the point more successfully, with Kornheiser playing it straight, when they came back from commercial.

• After another Saints touchdown, Kornheiser starts a sentence with, "I know that there are cultural and social issues we should talk about here..." and I just could not disagree more. What we should talk about here, is football. ESPN has already spent hours and hours talking about cultural and social issues tonight. The touchdown happened just seconds ago, so let's talk about that.

• My favorite moment in the broadcast came when Spike Lee was sitting in on the commentary (and I usually hate those segments, but I'm a big Spike Lee fan), and Kornheiser asked him if he was optimistic or pessimistic about the future of New Orleans. Spike was silent, and there was an uncomfortable pause... until a sarcastic smile and a laugh erupted from him. Spike Lee has doubts about the recovery effort, but he, unlike everyone at ESPN, knows that this is not the time or place for an honest discussion of New Orleans' very real problems. ESPN tried to singlehandedly solve them. Or at least put a very pretty bow on them.

• Joe Theismann called Saints linebacker Scott Fujita "Scott Fajita." Not intentionally, of course, but that still makes him funnier than Kornheiser tonight.

• Speaking of Joe Theismann, last night was probably the finest commentary night of his career. Every time Mike Tirico or Tony Kornheiser would go on and on about the city of New Orleans, Theismann would mercifully bring it back to football. By the end of the night, I was extremely thankful for the presence of Joe Theismann, and that makes me feel very weird about myself. It might just have been that Theismann was actually unaware that there was ever a tragedy in New Orleans, but I was thankful nonetheless.

• The funniest moment of the night was another accidental Theismann goof. After a penalty flag was thrown, and then later taken back by the officials, Theismann said, "He must've seen something that caused him to take it out of his pants." A few seconds of silence followed, and then laughter from Kornheiser. That was legitimately funny... and it came when Tony Kornheiser said not a word.

I had wondered how Tony Kornheiser would perform in a blow-out game, where there were long periods of time to kill, and the commentators are sometimes the only source of entertainment. That happened for the first time last night, and I could not have been more disappointed. It was the same old thing from Tony.

Towards the end of the game, Kornheiser quoted the movie "On the Waterfront" (extremely timely and culturally relevant), by saying about Michael Vick, "It's not your night, kid. It's not your night."

It wasn't his, either.