The Kornheiser Chronicles: Week 05
He didn't. He didn't score with any deep balls, but he did have a couple of positive plays. Really, it was more of the same, and I'm getting damn tired of doing this every week. I'd prefer that he was terrible. Really, I would... at least then it would be noteworthy. Instead, I end up spitting out the same, "eh, Tony didn't really say much of interest last night" every damn week... and if it doesn't change, I'm going to turn more and more vitriolic as time passes.
Some of the highs and lows, and then their football equivalent:
• ESPN had a ready-made graphic with the players on Kornheiser's fantasy team, and we learned two things from it. 1) Tony Kornheiser has no intention of stopping this anytime soon, and 2) Tony Kornheiser doesn't have a fantasy football team. He has a team on ESPN.com, one of the ones where you pick different players every week, and they all have different salaries, and you have to stay under the salary cap with your roster. That's not fantasy football. And Kornheiser admitted that he had Jake Plummer in the line-up this week because he was on Monday Night Football, so even if he did have a fantasy team, it wasn't an honest effort at it. Kornheiser fumbles in the open field.
• Derrick Mason made a catch along the sidelines, and the officials reviewed it to make sure that Mason had his feet in bounds. He got his left foot down, his right foot down, and then his left again. Joe Theismann says Mason "had three feet in." Kornheiser says, "If he had three feet in, it would be front page news." Kornheiser runs off tackle for a gain of three.
• Early in the game, Joe Theismann explained how Jake Plummer was attempting to use a "hard count" to draw the defense offsides, and demonstrated what a hard count might sound like. Kornheiser made fun of him for it, saying "maybe later you can explain 'offsides' and 'the two point conversion'." I was personally irritated by this comment... a guy who didn't have any idea what a "silent count" was earlier this season (as Theismann rightly pointed out) is going to criticize someone for explaining something? Especially when that guy has been so sensitive to criticism himself? Get over yourself, man. Kornheiser throws an interception, blames his offensive line for poor protection, and then picks up a 15-yard personal foul for complaining to the officials.
• Theismann is making a point about the Denver zone-blocking scheme, pointing out how they all move left at the snap of the ball, and just block whoever's in front of them. Theismann says that they "step together." Kornheiser says, "The Temptations also stepped together and it worked out very well for them." Kornheiser plows ahead for a gain of two.
• This wasn't entirely Tony Kornheiser's fault (I'd blame the people at ESPN/ABC who insist on continuing this absolute nightmare), but the celebrity-in-the-booth segement tonight was the worst one yet. James Denton of "Desperate Housewives" was in the booth, and, as you would expect, contributed nothing to the game or the broadcast. Denton, who I had never heard of, actually came off of a pretty likable guy, though I still don't want him to have any kind of a part in doing commentary on the football games I watch. Tirico, Kornheiser and Theismann acted like idiots in the booth with Denton, gleefully asking questions that they thought were pretty amusing, questions that Denton just seemed like he was suffering through, like the would if he was stuck in an elevator with three overzealous "Desperate Housewives" fans. Kornheiser contributes to a play that lost roughly 48 yards, and embarrassed and injured everyone in the entire organization.