A Seahawk Fan's Open Letter to Jerramy Stevens

Hi, Jerramy.

Can I call you Jer? No? Why does that not surprise me?

Listen up, buddy. Me and some sensible Seahawks fans wanna talk to you. See, we all really dug the way you became a big, fast target for Matt Hasselbeck during last season's magical run to the Super Bowl, even if allegations of a date rape while you were at the University of Washington persisted. That was ancient history, and you were cleared of all charges.

Then there was that whole thing with Joey Porter before the Super Bowl. I definitely had your back, because what you said was pretty innocuous and totally blown out of proportion by one of the biggest jackanapes in the history of professional sports. Seriously, we all know Porter is in need of heavy medication and psychiatric help. So we were still cool.

But you didn't exactly help yourself out at the Super Bowl, did you? You dropped three easy passes and double-clutched at the TD pass Hass lobbed to you when you were wide open in the end zone. But I wasn't angry. You went over the middle and made a couple of tough catches while getting hit, including that amazing grab at the 1-yard line that got erased by a penalty we're not going to talk about. Plus, you're the only Seahawk to score a touchdown in the Super Bowl. Ever. Pretty sad, but endearing, too.

Of course, we haven't seen much of you this season, as you're recovering from a pair of knee surgeries since April. Oh, but you're back now, aren't you? Let's take a look at your stellar performance in Monday night's game against the Raiders:

• 2nd Quarter, 2nd-and-7 from the Oakland 10: Seneca Wallace passes to you, incomplete. You get up in Stuart Schweigert's face, bump his helmet unnecessarily, and get the Seahawks a 15-yard penalty that can be generously called "moronic." Coach Holmgren calls you the sideline and chews you out.
  
• 2nd Quarter, 1st-and-10 from the Oakland 13: After the Raiders generously gave the 'Hawks a first down instead of a field goal attempt, Holmgren calls your number to give you chance to redeem yourself. You're open in the end zone, the ball hits you in the hands, then the gut, then it falls to the ground. (At this point, I almost threw a beer bottle through the TV. But you know what I did? I controlled my emotions. You should try it some time.)
• 4th Quarter, 2nd-and-9 from the Oakland 9. You bounce around like a 16-year-old guttersnipe after getting kneed in the groin. You just seemed so proud to have elicited a misconduct penalty instead of getting flagged for one. A real feather in your cap, pal.

And now you've been fined $15,000 for instigating the knee Tyler Brayton delivered to your crotch -- even though there's no real video evidence that you actually did -- while Brayton got just $10,000 more. And do you know why? Because you act like an ass. If you get a reputation for being a jerk, soon enough, the penalties and fines will start coming whether there's evidence or not. Just ask Sean Taylor. Think about it, dude: it's actually costing you money to act stupid.

Well, Jer, guess what? You're a free agent afer this season. You are the only Seahawk with a bad reputation, and you have a stigma of dropping passes and being a dirty-playing loudmouth punk. Basically, you're a less talented version of Jeremy Shockey. If you want to get paid this offseason, you better get your head on straight and start catching passes. Because we reasonable fans are tired of your crap.

Sincerely,
Matt Ufford

p.s. Your goatee looks retarded.