The Unofficial Weird History of the Ultimate Texan Fan Contest

Recently, I found out that I am a finalist in the Texans Ultimate Fan Contest. From what I've been told, all NFL teams have a list of promotions that they encourage teams to do, and ultimate fan competitions are one of them.

They decide the winner by internet voting, and I have to say I would appreciate your vote. It is hard to make sure you don't make Jumbotroned disappointed face when they announce the winner in front of the fans prior to the game starting.

The link to the videos is here. (you need Real Player to make it work). If you would just like to vote, that link is here. The voting will end I believe by December 30th.

My friend Charles is apt in his descriptions of the videos:

(sure they're cheesy, but we're talking about an ultimate football fan contest here - what were you expecting, Kurosawa?)

Oh, and please save the punchlines as they are tired, lame and a karmic jinx to your team. Besides I've already heard them from my friends (actual email excerpt):

Are you competing against both of their other fans?

Okay, don't read the next part unless you are really really bored.

I'm often cynical and apathetic about a lot of stuff, but sports fandom for me is put in that category of absolute loyalty that you have for a team as a child. I truly believe that it is a miracle that the NFL gave Houston a team over LA, and I will never forget how horrible it was not having my local team. The sports page gets a little grim when it is all football talk about teams you do not like. And the NFL has always been my favorite sport.

As a finalist of the contest, I get to run field through the tunnel with one of the T-E-X-A-N-S flags leading the team out onto the field during the last game of the season. I've been a finalist three times before, and I have to tell you that it is absolutely fine watching the pregame from the sidelines and then running out of the tunnel.

The winner of the contest is named Ultimate Texan Fan and gets a free trip to the Super Bowl. In previous years, they have had a live competition to determine the winner, but this year they asked us to submit a video that shows what it means to be a Texan, either using the Texans creed or making up our own.

The videos are pretty fun to watch, and are more conducive to internet voting than the live competitions they used to have to determine the finalists. I have to say I miss the live competitions because it was a time to see friends, meet new friends, and also some pretty goofy stuff went on.

The first year, nobody knew what to expect at all. The original promos for the contest suggested that we were going to have to do gross painful Fearfactorish stuff to win. I guess the lawyers got involved and instead they had us do more tame stuff in front of the judges. The most memorable part of that contest was that it was coldish, and there was a really thin and pale dude there wearing a fan outfit that involved tighty whiteys, cowboy boots, and a Texans flag worn as a cape. He made the semi-finals of the contest, but his friend who was a bigger fan of the team didn't.

The next year they actually had us answer Texans trivia questions to determine the semi-finalists. I got the easy what college did David Carr go to question, but then it turned out that a number of people went to the finals who didn't even know basic questions about the team. (A good fan won the thing that year, like in every year so far, so it was okay).

The third year, a guy showed up dressed up like a cheerleader. That was pretty wrong, but got wronger when he showed his thong. This was the year that the Texans thought it would be a good idea to determine the winner not by internet vote but rather by who was the most enthusiastic karaoke singer.

It should be a violation of the Geneva Convention to make sports fans sing karaoke at 8:00am in the morning stone cold sober. A beer distributor was there that day, so all of us finalists also got a case of Budweiser.

That was also the year of my Reliant Stadium wardrobe malfunction. They told us as we were about to run out of the tunnel that we needed to run fast because the team was right behind us. As we were about to run, the guy in front of me lost his headpiece, paused and then we started running faster because the team was right behind us.

It was at that point that I wished I would have spent extra time making sure my wig was on tighter, because it slipped off my head, and I caught it and ran to where I was supposed to be waving the Texan flag. I threw the damn wig to the ground, shook my own hair out, and then started waving the flag.

I saw these guys in suits on the sidelines pointing my direction and just laughing their asses off. And the funny thing was that I really didn't care too much that I just flipped my wig because it is so cool being on the field during game day. Last year, I wore a hat instead of a wig, and that particular wig was retired into a Reliant Stadium trash can.

(I am guessing that this might be the reason that the Texans are cutting into our precious tailgating time this year to have us practice running with the flags prior to the game on the practice field. In years past, we've never practiced. I'm not sure how helpful the practice will be given that the hardest part of the thing is getting those big flags through the small tunnel. The flags are heavy as heck, and we will be lucky not to be worn out before we run through the tunnel for real. I think half the appeal of seeing fans run with the flags is to see how inept we are at it).

Last year, they had the contest in the late afternoon and said that the first 50 people to sign up would get two free tickets. So that there were a number of people that decided to enter the contest at the last second that were just wearing Texans t-shirts and had never been to a game. The dude that was in front of me in line appeared to be a homeless guy, and his special demonstration of why he was a Texan fan was showing the judges how he could make bitter beer face.

I really appreciate the Texans for having this contest because I have met all sorts of great fans who tailgate and sit in different parts of the stadium. And I've had the opportunity pre-game to meet Roger Clemens and Andy Pettitte who were at one of the games for a ceremony. One year, George Bush the senior pointed at all of us Ultimate Fan finalists and mouthed the word "weird." Thinking back on all this is pretty surreal.

I'm okay being weird for my team because I have to say when they finally start winning, I will have seen how they did it and appreciate it all the more. Houston is a football loving town, with a fine stadium, friendly tailgating and owner with fists full of money who wants to win. It is just a matter of time. Currently it is a rough time to be a fan, but I figure that's when a team needs its fans the most.

I'm not sure if anyone has actually read this far, but I just felt like commemorating this for posterity or whatever the internets end up being. Thanks for the indulgence.