How the Jordan Divorce Impacts the Bobcats

The Bobcats got the Jordan Divorce news Friday afternoon, ostensibly huddled and said, 'let's win one for the owner!' and then went out and beat the Lakers 133-124 in triple overtime, despite 58 points from Kobe Bryant (and a 1-for-15 nightmare from Adam Morrison).

The always-funny MJD already covered most of the salient points of the Jordan divorce, and as the resident Bobcats expert (I can tell you all you want to know about Primoz Brezec!), I figured I'd tackle how the divorce will impact the team. So I opened the floor to questions from the three Bobcats fans I know.*

Q: Does this mean MJ will be chasing skirt in Charlotte? My girlfriend's sister's best friend is really ...

A: Yes. Just make sure she has a friend for Charles Oakley. And two for Ewing. No cameras, please.

Q: How much time will Jordan spend focusing on the Bobcats' draft, now that he's rid himself of unnecessary baggage?

A: Yes. Sources tell me that MJ knows what college Kevin Durant plays for, he has found a local ballet class for Joakim Noah, and he has private investigators looking into Greg Oden's birth certificate, just to make sure he's no El Duque. Supposedly, Daequan Cook slept at MJ's Charlotte pad when the Buckeyes were in town to play the Tar Heels earlier this season. Oh, and like the 76ers, Jordan is leaning on Larry Brown for support, so you know this will end well.

Q: What are the chances Jordan gets his buddy Larry Brown to coach these guys next year?

A: Strong. Say, 89 percent (or the same percent chance Jessica Biel kisses someone other than me on New Year's Eve). Brown is like an ambulance chaser. If the Bobcats land the fifth pick, Next Town Brown (thank, Peter Vecsey) will want no part of Charlotte. But if they get the No. 1 pick, he'll be on the horn with MJ before the Bobcats rep has shaken hands with David Stern or whoever monitors the night of the ball hopper.

Q: Will Charlotte look into purchasing land to build gambling facilities to keep Jordan happy, now that he won't have a wife to go home to?

A: Can LeBron jump? Can Derek Jeter pull wool? Jordan lives to gamble, and what his Airness wants, his Airness gets. If Jordan wanted a gold commode in his office, by golly, he'd have it by the end of the weekend.

Q: Will Jordan's divorce impact what becomes of Gerald Wallace?

A: Probably. Because Ewing is married, Jordan and Oak will need a third amigos for nightly trips to the Crazy Horse. Wallace is far and away the coolest cat on this team, so he's probably going to get his number called here.

Q: Hey, this is MJ's private life. I don't see why you guys are writing about it. All we care about is what happens on the court.

A: Buzz off, dork. Dunking is cool and all, but Shaq's cars, T-Mac's wedding photos, Nash and Liz Hurley, and LeBron's commercials are nearly as interesting as what happens on the court.

* Not actual humans.