Two Illinois Players Gone In 60 Seconds

It didn't take long for Ron Zook to dismiss two players accused of serious crimes:

Illinois football players Jody Ellis and Derrick McPhearson -- accused of stealing wallets, cell phones and laptop computers -- were kicked off the team Monday just hours after pleading not guilty to felony burglary and theft charges.

Readers are invited to to discuss amongst themselves who, exactly, is stupider here: the alleged criminals, who left a woman's wallet on the front seat for police to discover...

Bridges saw a female wallet in plain view along with other property that led her to believe there was something more going on, Gallo said. "She was alert and caught on to that something more."

...or the victims, who were all out getting hammered at "Unofficial St. Patrick's Day," an impromptu U of I holiday held whenever students are going to be on spring break during Actual St. Patrick's day and left their doors unlocked(!!!)...

State's Attorney Julia Rietz said the items were taken from four Champaign residences in and around campus on Friday, during what's called unofficial St. Patrick's Day. The event is a promotion begun by local bars to make up for revenue they lose when St. Patrick's Day falls during the university's spring break. Rietz said it appeared that most victims had left their doors unlocked.

...yeah. If you consistently leave your doors unlocked on any college campus in the country, the end result is all your stuff gets stolen and several hippies move in an form a drum circle under your loft, even if a bacchanalian drinking orgy is not underway.

Though the dismissed duo didn't combine for a ton of catches -- only 19 between them -- McPhearson saw his share of rushes and returned nine kickoffs as a sophomore. With freshman Juice Williams flailing his way to the worst year a Big Ten quarterback has had in recent memory, there weren't many catchable balls to go around. (One-hopped or comically errant passes destined for Tacopants were availabe in abundance, but don't count towards receiving stats.) Illinois could have used both as they try to claw their way towards respectability in 2007, though incoming uber-recruit Arrelious Benn will lessen the sting of the dismissals.