John Beilein Puts Cigarettes Out on Cute Little Puppies*

In my last post about West Virginia winning the NIT, I spoke glowingly about Mountaineer head coach John Beilein. It occurs to me now that since I'd like for Beilein to stay at WVU, I should revise those thoughts, and offer a few other facts* about Mr. Beilein and how he chooses to behave.

The headline is true*. I saw it one day*. I was hanging out outside the WVU coliseum after class once, and John Beilein came walking out of the door. A lady was walking her dog, and Beilein stopped to pet the cute little animal*. The coach said, "Aww, you're a cute little doggy! Who's a good boy? Huh? Who's a good little doggy?"* And then he came over to me, grabbed the cigarette out of my mouth, and extinguished it in the puppy's eyeball, right in front of the lady.* As the puppy cried, Beilein then laughed, and thrust his arms in the air in celebration.*

This other time, I was cruising through campus, and I saw John Beilein talking to senior center Rob Summers.* Beilein asked Summers where he was going, and Summers said, "to class," and then Beilein tried to give Summers a 40 oz. bottle of Olde English.* Summers said, "Coach, I don't want to drink, I want to learn." And then Beilein punched Summers in the stomach* and screamed at him, "LEARNING IS FOR DORKS!"* Summers began to cry, and in front of dozens of other students, Beilein gave him a wedgie, tearing the waistband completely out of his boxer shorts*.

John Beilein is also the head of all organized crime on the eastern seaboard.* If you've done cocaine in the Eastern half of the United States at any time over the past four years, chances are, that cocaine was cut and processed by WVU basketball players* in the WVU coliseum* on the orders of John Beilein*. Jamie Smalligan is only on scholarship because he was willing to act as a drug mule* and swallow pounds and pounds of cocaine wrapped in little balloons* and transfer them in to America from Columbia*. His bowels are still a mess,* and John Beilein doesn't care.*

I just thought you should be aware of these things, Michigan. Please, for the love of everything holy, hire someone else.

NOTE:
* = is not at all true and may have been made up in the hopes that it will cause Michigan to lose all interest in hiring John Beilein.