The Debriefing: Fists Full of SchruteBucks II

The Debriefing is a column that runs every weekday at 9:00 a.m. here in the FanHouse. It goes deep into one issue and then bounces around to a plethora of smaller ones ... and does it all in a way that will make you feel like the prettiest girl at the cotillion. Bookmark this page, and visit daily.

Happy Friday, those who are about to be debriefed. As is the custom here on Friday, we're handing out or deducting SchruteBucks to the best and worst in the week of sports. If you're still unclear on exactly what a SchruteBuck is, it really doesn't matter, but this clip will help explain. Let's get at it.

-185,000,000, Elijah Dukes.
In probably the biggest sports story of the week, Devil Rays outfielder Elijah Dukes allegedly threatened to kill his wife, which is just not something that nice people do. The quote, in case you missed it:

"Hey, dawg. It's on, dawg. You dead, dawg. I ain't even bulls-------. Your kids too, dawg. It don't even matter to me who is in the car with you. N-----, all I know is, n-----, when I see your m-----f------- a-- riding, dawg, it's on. As a matter of fact, I'm coming to your m-----f------ house."

I understand that this is a trivial point in a serious matter, but honestly ... who calls their wife "dawg?"

"And do you, Elijah, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, and to forever be your dawg?" The summer wedding season is coming. Feel free to use that.

+5, Elijah Dukes.
For not bull------n'. So many men, when threatening to murder the woman to whom they've sworn eternal love and devotion, will bull----. I'm so glad Elijah Dukes didn't.

+0, Dean Hancock.
I have a strict policy about not deducting SchruteBucks from anyone who's mourning the loss of a child, so I'll leave Dean Hancock's SchruteBucks alone. Also, he'd sue me.

In light of his son's death, Dean Hancock has filed suit against:

• The wwners of the restaurant at which his son got drunk
• The driver of the tow truck that Hancock smashed into
• The towing company
• The guy whose car broke down on the interstate who originally called the tow truck
• Fruit of the Loom, the makers of the underwear Josh was wearing at the time of the crash, because they made his crotch itch*
• The Missouri Department of Highways for not building giant cushions along the side of the highway, similar to those things little kids use in bowling alleys*
• Teddy Ruxpin, because Josh might have been thinking about Teddy Ruxpin when he crashed*
• God, because the wind was blowing when Josh crashed*

* = False exaggerations that doesn't seem so crazy since the 4th item on that list is true.

At the time of the crash, Hancock's blood alcohol level was twice the legal limit, he was speeding, he was on a cell phone, and his seatbelt wasn't buckled. There was also marijuana in the car.

Now, it's important to note that none of this makes Hancock's death any less of a tragedy. What it does mean, however, that Hancock has to assume most, if not all, of the blame for the accident that killed him. The lawsuits filed by Hancocks father seem totally irrational, but then again ... I'm not sure it's fair to ask someone to act rationally when mourning the loss of a child. I hope a judge will, though.

+20, The Woman Who Keeps Making Holes In One.
The claim is that she's made 14 holes in one over the course of 4 months, and if that's true (and I have my doubts), it's worth a lot more than 20 SchruteBucks. But I've got the amount lowered a bit, mainly because I want to punch her in the face.

I'm not a pessimistic guy by nature, but one statistician says the odds of this happening are 12,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 to 1. I have a better chance of walking outside right and getting struck by a purple lightning bolt that came out of Rachel Ray's belly button.

I'd like to believe you, Jacqueline Gagne, but I just can't. I have a feeling that one day, years from now, long after I've forgotten about this story, that I'll be reading one of those "greatest hoaxes of all time" articles and it will mention the golf club that conspired to make the world believe some woman made 14 holes in one in 4 months.

-50,000, This Kid.

That's maybe the most bizarre, frightening, disturbing -- and hell, let's just say it -- amusing headline of all-time. I mean, I guess you can do that in salad dressing if you really want to, but you have to do it at home. With your own salad dressing that won't be served to anyone else. Otherwise, it's borderline inappropriate.

These youngsters today. Had he grown up in the time of the Beastie Boys, he'd know that was something you did with mashed potatoes.

Required Viewing

I will not hesitate even for a second in calling this man the greatest streaker of all time. Let us count the ways in which this man is awesome.

1) He might have actually stopped a brawl, since everyone stopped to look at him.
2) His partial nudity allows us to call him a streaker, but his pants stayed on, not subjecting us to any male nudity.
3) The pointless yet enthusiastic dive/flop in centerfield at about the 21-second mark.
4) Laying down and peacefully surrendering to the police, in effect saying, "I knew this was going to happen, I'm about to be cuffed, I may spend time in jail ... and it was totally worth it."

I agree, young man. It was. Many thanks to We are the Postmen.

For the Scrapbook

I don't have a lot to say about it, but that's a really nice photo, don't you think?

Sticking and Moving

Quickly on Cavs/Pistons Game 2 ...

• Yes, LeBron was fouled on that last play. Pretty clearly, in my opinion. But at the same time, if you checked out the postgame show, Charles Barkley and Magic Johnson have a point: in the last seconds of a game, on the road, you cannot expect to get that call. And to me, it looked like LeBron's primary goal on that play was to get a call, as opposed to actually scoring. Never a good idea. If memory serves correctly, Rip Hamilton tried that last year in the last seconds of a playoff game against the Heat, and it didn't work for him, either.

• I love Anderson Varejao as a bench player, but he has no right to complain about any call an official makes. Ever. If he's called for a Flagrant 2 for asking Chauncey Billups how his kids are doing in school, Varejao can't complain. Sorry. I will never have any officiating sympathy for people who flop that much.

• The more Larry Hughes plays ... the better off the Detroit Pistons will be. Somewhere right now, Larry Hughes is still pounding a basketball into the floor while LeBron James stands there.

• And while we're discussing LeBron James, this was another extremely passive game for the global icon. The series isn't over, and I expect the Cavs to take at least one in Cleveland, but so far this thing has just been disastrous for LeBron James. He's disinterested, he's passive, he refuses to put his stamp on the game ... it's kind of sad, actually. It's like watching Picasso sit around all day and color in a coloring book.

Coach Lewis Does Not Have His Finger on the Pulse of the Team ...

Hey, great idea, Marvin Lewis ... piss off the cops. That's exactly what your team needs. The Cincinnati Bengals head coach did some Portis-esque backtracking today, saying that he didn't really mean it when he said that the Cincy police profiled his players.

Yesterday: "I think there's profiling, no question."
Today: "I do not believe the Cincinnati Police Department is specifically profiling our players."

Easy to see how people could make the mistake of misinterpreting his words. The next time Marvin sits down with Chris Henry to talk about insincere apologies, I want Henry to yell, "YOU, ALRIGHT! I LEARNED IT BY WATCHING YOU!"

You Stand There and Watch That Guy, I'll Stand Here and Watch This Guy ...

Last night, the Phillies and Marlins got into a gigantic bench-clearing ... well, nothing. There were some bean balls, some throws behind people, things of that nature ... and then the dugouts emptied, and everyone ran in from the bullpen, and then everyone just stood there like, "We don't really have to punch each other, do we?"

No, my friend, you don't. But David Stern is going to suspend every single one of you heathens. Supposedly, there was one punch thrown, but I couldn't see it in any of the highlights, and no one knows who threw it. I think one of the players made it up so they'd all seem tougher.

This is Where I Mention Hockey ...

I wanted to pass along wishes for a happy retirement to Brian Leetch. People think I don't know anything about hockey, which is not true. I used to be a big hockey fan. A big Gretzky fan in particular, so I watched a lot of the Rangers when he was there, and thus, also a lot of Brian Leetch.

Great player, tremendous speed and vision, extremely valuable two-way guy ... and completely incapable of saying anything interesting. You could pour two handles of Beam down his throat, make him sit through a 12-hour hardcore porno marathon, and all you'd get him to say afterwards was, "Well, we had a great game out there."

Because They Couldn't Keep Giving EVERY Award to Tiger Woods ...

I don't even know if it's possible to earn street cred in golf, but if anything can do it, it's this: a white man being honored by the African-American Golfers Hall of Fame. South African Gary Player's receiving the AAGHOF (sometimes, acronyms just aren't worth it) Humanitarian Award.

Because Our Children Need Guidance ...

Well, mine don't. Mine don't exist. But yours might. So I'd like to point you in the direction of a brand new sports blog: Varsity Dad, edited by Dan Shanoff, who you might know from DanShanoff.com or from his Daily Quickie days at ESPN.com. The tagline of the site is, "Notes on Raising Your Kid to be an All-Star Sports Fan." If that sounds like something that might interest you, give it a look.

Yesterday's MVP

Jason Maxiell. And now the world knows about Jason Maxiell. He and Amir Johnson are the reasons the Pistons won't be terribly saddened to see Chris Webber leave in the off-season. Max went buck wild in the first half last night with a series of highlight plays ... none better than the clean pick of LeBron James, followed by the explosive finish at the other end in front of two defenders.

Yesterday's Sad Sack

LeBron James. We're 8 quarters into this series now, and LeBron James has only played two of them well. Forget about the no-call at the end of the game, forget about Donyell Marshall missing the corner three ... LeBron's been consistently poor, and not just at the end of games.

The Evening's Agenda

7:00, ESPN2. MLL Lacrosse. Boston Cannons @ Long Island Lizards.
8:00, Comedy Central. Chris Rock. Bigger & Blacker.
9:00, NFL Network. America's Game: 1971 Dallas Cowboys.