Jeff Kent and
Barry Bonds. They engaged in a shoving match when they were teammates with the
Giants, and ever since Kent signed with the rival
Dodgers, they've let the ill will fly. It's one of those timeless one-on-one sports grudges that makes me wish they'd both just shut up and play baseball.
Yesterday, we learned that
Kent is unsure of whether he'll play ball in 2008. I have a theory here. Like he loves to breathe, Jeff Kent loves to bitch and moan. It's his bread and butter. If it's not about Barry Bonds, it's about
management/the universe as a whole. The Dodgers just landed a great new manager, so he can't whine about that anymore. Granted, Bonds will probably find a team, but it's not yet set in stone. What if there's nothing left for Jeff Kent to whine about? Is there really anything else that keeps him going? This dilemma is explored in tonight's Dugout, after the jump.
The Dugout
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GoldBonds: so are you going to play next year
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KentHardlyWait: not sure yet, what about you
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GoldBonds: not sure yet
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KentHardlyWait: Look, you have to come back.
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KentHardlyWait: This past season I was practically in Heaven. I had not one, but two things I could bitch about constantly.
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KentHardlyWait: Grady Little lost his job, so I'm down to one. If you retire, I will have nothing to whine about.
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GoldBonds: hmm
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GoldBonds: you could just bitch about not being able to bitch about anything
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KentHardlyWait: Perfect! That's what I'll do.
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GoldBonds: one thing though
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GoldBonds: now that you're bitching about not being able to bitch about anything, you actually do have something to bitch about, which nullifies your bitching by default
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GoldBonds: you have created a paradox that our universe lacks the means to express. have fun in dimension x or wherever
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KentHardlyWait: What?
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH--
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**OnlineHost** Jeff Kent has been snatched from the space-time continuum.
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GoldBonds: haaaaa
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GoldBonds: wait, nothing in my life is a paradox is it
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**OnlineHost** Well, let's see...
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**OnlineHost** You enjoyed a very privileged childhood and have never had to work for a living, which are common ingredients for self-serving behaviors as an adult, which included being a jerk to everyone and throwing the legitimacy of the most hallowed records in sports out the window.
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**OnlineHost** Calculating...
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**OnlineHost** Actually, the course your life has taken makes perfect sense. This universe is fully capable of expressing the nature of your being. You can stay.
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GoldBonds: hahaha i think i just busted up the universe
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**OnlineHost** Yeah, but you barely even have testicles anymore.
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GoldBonds: ok we'll call it a draw
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s
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