Ladies' Guide to Faking It for Super Bowl XLII

Problem: Your guy has been reading Fanhouse all week, filling his head up with all sorts of talking points and analysis that he will use to annoyingly pepper you with all throughout Super Bowl Sunday. He's busy pounding his chest and asserting himself as king of the Super Bowl castle, meanwhile all you wanna do is get pregnant. LADIES, MY MERCEDES!

Solution: Here's the guide with all the counter-intelligence you need to reverse the momentum and set him back on his heels. Plus, I'm going to give you a couple extra lines that will either leave him all hot, bothered and unable to high-five his boys cause he has a boner, or flaccid and depressed because he knows his post-game will consist of nothing but a cold shower and a night alone with his Super Bowl wisdom. Here's how it breaks down:

The Boast: Guys are just regurgitating the stuff they see on ESPN or read online. We give you 4 likely sound bytes of Football Intelligence you'll hear for the Pats/Giants game.

The Reverse: What they haven't considered, but you have. Now. The only football knowledge you'll need to turn the tables on Mr. Stupid.

Weird Look: Obviously the guy is going to be taken aback when you up the ante. Here's what to say to make him comfortable in his manhood again.

Following the initial kick-off and return you have two options: One leads to hot sex at halftime. The other leads to his public embarrassment. The choice is up to you:

The Whisper: Every woman's trump card. Here's the line to whisper in his ear if you want to derail his one-track football mind.

The Glare: The other trump card. Say this while giving him the glare-eyes and he'll know you're the Tom Brady to his Eli Manning.

So now you know the formation. We've got some plays after the jump. Ready, break!

The Boast: This guy Brandon Jacobs is a beast running the ball, you probably never heard of him but he might be the key to the game.
The Reverse: Yeah Jacobs is a bruiser, but Ahmad Bradshaw is playing like Tiki Barber. He's been the real key for the Giants down the stretch. Also, not bad for a 7th round pick.
The Weird Look: Oooh, but Tiki Barber is definitely cuter!
The Whisper: Tiki Barber has a twin, why don't you and me make some twins at halftime.
The Glare: I'd call you a bruiser in the bedroom, but you're more like a seldom-used scat-back.

The Boast: Randy Moss is incredible, he should have won the MVP this year.
The Reverse: Randy Moss is great, everyone knows that. But he's been missing since he broke Jerry Rice's record. And honestly, when healthy, I think Plaxico Burress is the closest thing to Randy in the NFL.
The Weird look: Tee-hee, but, I only know cause his name is Plaxico. What kind of name is that?
The Whisper: You're making me feel kind of Randy, if you're good maybe I'll let you go deep.
The Glare: You're such a loser. Every time I make a pass your way, you drop the ball.

The Boast: The Giants defensive line is incredible, their defensive ends are going to be the key to the game
The Reverse: Yeah, Strahan and Osi get all the headlines. But the real key is their no-name offensive line that has been dominant, both running the ball (your boy Jacobs), and giving Eli time.
The Weird Look: But who really cares about lineman, they're all so big and fat!
The Whisper: I'm tired of playing offense, how about I just let you sack me.
The Glare: If you weren't always rushing at my end, maybe I'd let you get some positive yardage.

The Boast: BIll Belichick is a genius. If he wins this we might be crowning him the greatest coach of all time.
The Reverse: Belichick's had a great run, but he did nothing with Cleveland. Coughlin built the Jags into an immediate contender, then evolved to get this Giants team to the brink. If he wins, he's going to cement a great legacy as well.
The Weird Look: Oh I just hope Billy doesn't wear that hoodie; it's the big game, he should wear something nice for a change.
The whisper: How about next time out we steal away and practice our 2-minute drill?
The glare: I've tried to coach you up, but you still don't know how to pound it into the endzone when we need a score.

And there you go. One play for each quarter. Now go out there and show him who's really running this team.