Arnold Palmer Hates Poor Penmanship, Hats Inside, and While You're at It, Get Off His Lawn

You've had a pretty good go of it when, after 78 years on this planet, two of your biggest pet peeves are "the way some players sign autographs and guys who wear their hats inside."

Those are some of the things that irk Arnold Palmer, the namesake of this week's tournament at his Bay Hill course in Orlando, Fl.

On autographs: "I don't know where a player comes off, a young player particularly, that is being asked to give an autograph and he scribbles something down there you can't read. Who in the hell knows what it is? Why take the time to do it? Why not make it legible?

"You never have a question about Jack Nicklaus' autograph or Gary Player's autograph. But then all of a sudden you run into something that looks like scribble. I don't understand."

On hats inside: "On the front door of the dining room (at Bay Hill), there's a sign. It says, `Gentlemen, please remove your hats.' That's no big deal but I've had arguments with these guys about wearing their hats when they're eating with ladies at the table or their children at the table. I will personally walk in and ask them to take their hats off when that arises."

Ah, yes, the scourge of society: poor penmanship and melon coverings worn indoors. Such behavior inevitably leads to chewing gum, banging erasers and running in the building. If Palmer is serious about returning to the halcyon days of paper and pencil, he should target the real problem: the personal computer. Kids today have no reason to write, what with their fancy keyboards and "internet messaging" devices.

Regarding hats inside, well, I can't disagree, with one exception, though: prematurely bald dudes -- like, say, Jim Furyk or Jonathan Byrd -- should be exempt. It's just seems like the right thing to do.