Hey website, thanks a lot for making me watch a video where Jessica Canseco describes her ex-husband's genitalia in great detail. Maybe next you could do a feature about those creeps that use dogs as shark bait and interview the kid who punched me on the bus when I was in 5th grade.

Regardless, this affords me the opportunity to bring Ryan Seacrest and his awesome screen name into Dugout G2 continuity. Oddly enough, Seacrest has appeared in both the old Dugout and our iVoice feature for the Village Voice. If Eli Manning had dated Amy Winehouse or sang incompetently we could've worked Ryno into Football Guys.

The first official Dugout of the 2008 baseball season is coming at you after the jump. It may or may not actually have anything to do with baseball whatsoever.

The Dugout

	SeacrestDSV: Thanks, Juliana, I always wondered what Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz thought about Darfur. Who knew they'd be "against it!"
	SeacrestDSV: Up next on E! News, Jessica Canseco, former wife of steroid slugger and two-time author Jose Canseco and former twin-sister-in-law of schoolyard legend Ozzie Canseco, comes clean about "Juiced," "Juicy," "Vindicated," and all sorts of terrible books about jerks.
	SeacrestDSV: Jessica, first things first, give me the classiest soundbite you can. Okaaaay, go!
	Jessicanseco: I put needles in my ex-husband's asshole five times a day and it turned his balls into shrinky dinks! LOL I shouldn't be talking about this! /writes "balls into shrinky dinks" on notepad
	SeacrestDSV: That is so awesome. Tell us more about Jose Canseco's balls.
	Jessicanseco: They were so small you would not believe how small they were! One was completely gone and the other just kinda hung there LOL I felt BAD for him!
	Jessicanseco: Should I be on national television talking about this? Oh me, I'm so out there!
	SeacrestDSV: we've got some e-mail comments coming in from tired comedians around the country, this one is from Michael Ian Black of Chicago, Illinois. Michael writes, "I can't hear enough about Jose Canseco's balls! I would like to hear about them, all day!"
	SeacrestDSV: at the end he has "read this sarcastically with no expression on your face" in parenthesis
	SeacrestDSV: Loni Love of Los Angeles writes in, "Jose Canseco's balls? I bet we ain't talkin' bout baseball! Mm-hm!"
	Jessicanseco: We sure aren't, Loni (can you believe me?)!
	SeacrestDSV: Mo Rocca of Washington writes... /makes face at monitor ugh, I'm not reading that
	SeacrestDSV: What's that? We have a caller? We don't take calls on this show. We... all right. Uraw? from New York, you have a question for Jessica Canseco?
	Caller: HELLO??
	SeacrestDSV: Yes, you're on with Jessica Canseco.
	Caller: IS THIS EE NOOSE
	SeacrestDSV: Yes, go ahead.
	Caller: YA I GOT A QUESTION FOR THE SHE MAIL MUSGULAR TYPE
	Jessicanseco: Yes, what's your question!
	Caller: BOY, JOO ARE TOO BEAUTIFUL TO BE HANGINGK OUT WITH OSAY CANSEGO, JOO NEED TO DROP THE ZAYRO AND GET WIT THE A-ROE
	Caller: aRAH CAN TREAT JOO TO THE FIE-NESS HOTEL ROOMS IN TORONTO
	Jessicanseco: Aw, how romantic!
	Caller: I SWURR BY THE MOON AN THE STARS AN THIS GUY
	Jessicanseco: I only have two questions: 1. How much money do you make? 2. How misshapen are your genitals? Those are the two things I look for most in a relationship.
	Caller: WAY WAY TOO MUCH
	Jessicanseco: Is that your answer for #1 or #2?
	Caller: LOL
	SeacrestDSV: /SHOOTS TELEPHONE OPERATOR DEAD
	SeacrestDSV: Okay, enough of that! Jessica, do you have anything you'd like to say before we take another call?
	Jessicanseco: snigger snigger
	SeacrestDSV: I can barely believe you exist. Danny, from Gay Cruise California, do you have any comments about the use of steroids in sports?
	Caller: some people arent LIKIN IT