Joe Paterno Will Never Leave

In last night's story about Joe Paterno and his comments about a playoff system, we remarked that Mr. Paterno didn't expect to see a playoff during his tenure at Penn State, which he said would last "another 10 or 15 years." The newspaper article claimed Paterno then laughed at his own "joke."

Were it only so simple.

The ensuing conversation between Mr. Paterno, his athletic director, Tim Curley, and a completely fictional secretary follows after the jump. The legal department is threatening me with chemical castration if I don't tell you that this is all made up, but whatever, it's all totally true--hey, hey, watch the lye, I said what you told me to say.

Scene: a large office.

You wanted to see us, Mr. Curley?

Yes, yes, please, have a seat. Can I get you anything?

I'm fine.

All right. Anyway, I caught the press conference today, Mr. Paterno. Pretty strong stuff.

Yeah, I didn't think you'd be so open about the playoff thing. I mean, we've heard... you around the office... Mr. Paterno, is everything okay?

You're being awfully quiet.

PARDON

You have anything to say about the presser? Playoffs?

I WOULD LIKE TO VOICE AN OPINION ON SOMETHING ELSE

Okay?

BACK IN 1975, WE HAD A KID BY THE NAME OF KENT STATE AT LEFT END. HE WAS A FINE PLAYER IN HIS OWN RIGHT, VERY STURDY, BUT SLOWER THAN DIRT. ONE DAY HE COMES UP TO ME AND TELLS ME "COACH PATERNO, I LOVE THE GAME OF FOOTBALL, AND I ALSO PLAY A MEAN PIANO. I'M NOT SURE THE OTHER PLAYERS WILL LIKE IT IF I TELL THEM ABOUT MY OTHER HOBBY, OR IF THEY'LL MAKE FUN OF ME." ALWAYS ONE FOR THE ARTS, I SUPPORTED YOUNG KENT AND PULLED A FEW STRINGS TO GET HIM A SPOT AT THE GREAT ROYAL PHILADELPHIA CONCERT HALL

Kent State is a univer

SO THE DAY BEFORE THE ALABAMA GAME, BEFORE A SOLD-OUT CROWD, HE STEPS OUT ONTO THE STAGE DRESSED IN A TUXEDO, TAILS AND ALL. HE SITS AT THE PIANO, AND THE AUDIENCE IS RAPT. HE ANNOUNCES THAT HE WILL BE PLAYING RACHMANINOV'S SEVENTH SUITE

I don't mean to be a stickler, Mr. Patern

HE RAISES HIS HANDS, AND BRINGS THEM DOWN IN A THUNDEROUS CRASH ON THE KEYS AS FISTS. HE CONTINUES "PLAYING" THE PIANO IN A RANDOM, VIOLENT FASHION AND SINGS THE ALPHABET SONG, EXCEPT WITHOUT THE A, L, A, B, A, M, AND A, WHICH SPELLS ALABAMA. WHEN THE PERFORMANCE WAS DONE, A GREAT CHEER WENT UP FROM THE AUDIENCE, ONE THAT WILL NEVER BE MATCHED IN A HUNDRED GAMES AT BEAVER STADIUM. I WAS NEVER MORE PROUD OF THE ARTS THAN ON THAT FINE DAY

Can we move on to another subject? Like anything else at all?

YOU MAY KNOW HIM BY HIS STAGE NAME, FRANK SINATRA

Anyway, we do have lots to talk about. Like your contract.

AN INFERNAL PIECE OF PAPER, IF I MAY SAY SO

Right, as you're aware, you're only under contract through the end of this season.

IT'S FUNNY THAT YOU SHOULD SAY UNDER IT

Come again?

PLEASE, LOOK OUT THE WINDOW

Mr. Paterno, what am I supposed to be looking for?

THERE, THE GYROCOPTER ABOVE US

Is... why is a helicopter hovering above Lasch?

NOW, SECRETARY, NOW

Now what?

Yeah, what are you talking about

YOU CONTEMPTIBLE LOUT, I WAS VERY SPECIFIC IN MY INSTRUCTIONS AS TO HOW THIS OPERATION WOULD BE UNDERTAKEN. AT MY COMMAND, WHICH IS QUITE CLEARLY THE WORD "NOW," YOU WERE TO FIRE THE SCUD MISSILE AT THE GYRO-COPTER

You told me about this plan fifteen minutes ago! And then you said Mothra would rip the ceiling off Lasch and take Mr. Curley away. I figured you were just telling another one of your jokes.

I NEVER JOKE ABOUT COACHING AT PENN STATE, WHICH WILL BE FOREVER

Mothra's in movies. He's not real.

THAT IS WHAT THEY SAID ABOUT THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL AIR, AND NOW HE IS MAKING PLATINUM ALBUMS LIKE BIG WILLIE STYLE IN REAL LIFE

Are we done in here? Can I please go home? For once?

ONE MORE ORDER OF BUSINESS, SECRETARY

(buries head in hands)

IN CASE YOU HAD FORGOTTEN, YOU HAVE A HELICOPTER TO TAKE DOWN

I told you I don't have a freaking missile! How am I supposed to get a missile?! It's not happening!

I SAID TAKE IT DOWN

How?! Do you expect me to throw baseballs at it or something?!

I APPRECIATE YOUR GUMPTION, BUT WOMEN ARE NOT TO TOUCH BASEBALLS. FIND A SOFTBALL AND GET TO IT

This is the worst job ever.