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Dear Lord, thank you for Clinton Portis and blog wars, but mostly for Clinton Portis because he doesn't take himself quite so seriously. Dan Steinberg writes that the artist also known as "Southeast Jerome", "Coach Janky Spanky", "Bro Sweets", "Choo-Choo", "Sheriff Gonnagetcha", and "Dolemite Jenkins", unveiled four new characters this week, and he's looking for YOUR help on which one to debut to the Washington-area media this fall.
You can see all four characters and vote here, but if Dr. Do Itch Big doesn't win, the whole thing is rigged. Just like Spygate, which means we can expect Senator Arlen Specter to get involved, and, really, nobody wants that.
According to his bio, Do Itch Big is a dentist who does his own work (of course he does), and goes by the motto, "Cleaning up the NFL one mouth at a time." And then there's this fun fact: "The good doctor started his bicuspid crusade by enhancing the grills of former Giants DE Michael Strahan and Bills RB Marshawn Lynch." Nice.
And because you're curious, the three other choices include Prime Minister Yah Mon ("Running for President of the United States as an independent"), Bud Foxx (Ultimate Fighter, 115-pound weight class, "but he weighs 220 pounds"), and Electra (Environmentalist who "lives in a solar-powered green house and smokes a pipe").
Electra also sports a shirt that reads "Off the grid is off the chain." Steinberg notes that "As of this writing, 'Off the grid is off the chain' yields zero Google results. And that's a legit chuckle line. Well done, evil NFL marketers. Next thing you know, you'll be providing hysterically customized beer bongs for all our favorite NFL stars."
By the way, Bud Foxx has really let himself go.
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