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The Dugout: Jim Thome, Call Center Hero

Jun 29, 2008 – 12:30 PM
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Jon Bois

Jon Bois %BloggerTitle%

A few years ago, I worked as a tech-support stiff for a high-speed Internet company. It was here that I learned a valuable lesson: people, on the whole, are innately wrong-headed, self-centered, callow, and worthless. They fail to justify their existences and contribute nothing to nobody. And this isn't meant in the "these people don't know anything about computers" sort of way that you often hear from tech-support nerds. It didn't matter whether they were from the North or South, young or old, male or female. Everyone is wretched.

Well, almost everyone. Occasionally I'd have the privilege of speaking to a Jim Thome sort of fellow. You know, a person who might not be technologically adept, but was a through-and-through good guy or girl who was rewarding to talk to. These people made my day.

And this Dugout, which is after the jump, is dedicated to them.

The Dugout

representative: Thank you for calling Illinois Gas and Electric. May I have your name and social, please?

WordUpThome: HI MY NAME IS JI

JIM THOME

AND HOW DO YOU DO

representative: Okay, now is that a hyphenated last name? Ji Jim-Thome?

WordUpThome: YOU CAN JUST CALL ME JIM

I'M HAVING TROUBLE WITH MY FIRED FOX PART 3

representative: I'm sorry?

WordUpThome: IT'S A WEB BRUISER THAT I DOWN-LOADED AT THE BEHEST OF SEVERAL FRIENDS WHO TOLD ME IT WAS THE BEES' KNEES

representative: Oh...so this problem is with something on your computer? This is actually the electric company. We're not able to help you with probl

WordUpThome: AND IT'S ON MY COMPUTERED SCREEN NOW BUT THIS OLD BEAR CAN'T SEEM TO FIND HIS BOOK-MARKS

representative: I'm sorry, but you're going to need to call someone else. We're just an electric company; we can make sure electricity goes to your computer, but we can't do anything else.

WordUpThome: HOW IS YOUR DAY GOING

representative: Um?...It's going pretty well.

WordUpThome: DO YOU GET TO WEAR ONE OF THOSE SWELL HEAD-SETS LIKE THEY HAVE IN THE NAVY COMMERCIALS WHERE THE GENTLEMAN IS KEEPING OUR NATION SAFE FROM CYBERCRIMES
THOSE ARE NEAT, I WONDER WHITHER HE COULD PREVENT Y.2.K'S IF HE DID NOT HAVE HIS HANDS FREE

representative: hahaha

Forget it. What problem are you having, Mr. Thome?

WordUpThome: WELL OF A PRESSING MATTER, THIS OLD FOOL GOT ADD-ON HAPPY AND INSTALLED AN ADD-ON WHAT ALLOWS ME TO RIGHT-CLICK AND DRAG MY MOUSE ABOUT AND DRAW THINGS

WordUpThome: BUT POOR JIM PROGRAMMED IT WRONG AND HIS PERSONAL CONFUSER HAS WENT HAY-WIRE

representative: That sounds like a mouse gesture add-on.

Try clicking and dragging right.

WordUpThome: OK IT JUST OPENED 416 INSTANCES OF 3D SPACE CADET PINBALL

WordUpThome: I THINK IT'S A SWELL GAME BUT I'M AFRAID I'M MORE A MULTI-ASKER THAN A MULTI-TASKER

GUFFAW

/guffaws

representative: Okay then, try clicking and dragging left.

WordUpThome: BONZI BUDDY

representative: Down?

WordUpThome: BONZI BUDDY
THERE ARE NOW TWO BONZI BUDDIES ON MY SCREEN AND THEY APPEAR TO BE DOING CIRCUS TRICKS
OK THEY JUST ASKED ME IF I WANT TO INTERNET SEARCH FOR BONZI BUDDY
WHY WOULD I WANT TO INTERNET SEARCH FOR BONZI BUDDY IF THEY'RE ALREADY AT MY FINGERED TIPS
WordUpThome: DARN IT SOMETIMES JIM FEELS LIKE ROAD KILL ON THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY
representative: Oh Jim, don't get down on yourself! Try dragging up!
WordUpThome: OKERY DOKERY DOCK
WordUpThome: OK NOW A SCREENED SAVER HAS APPEARED

WordUpThome: IT IS OF "THE LOVE GURU" STARRING MICHAEL MYERS

HE IS REMINDING A MIDGET OF A PRESSING APPOINTMENT WITH THE LOLLIPOP GUILD

WordUpThome: NOW THE MIDGET IS THROWING THINGS AT BREAKING WINDOWS BECAUSE I GUESS HE'S MAD

NOW MICHAEL MYERS IS DODGING THE THINGS THAT ARE THROWN AT HIM AND THEY ARE BREAKING WINDOWS AND SUCH

WordUpThome: NOW MY COMPUTER IS ACCOSTING ME TO GO SEE THE LOVE GURU

IT SAYS IT'S OUT IN THEATERS EVERYWHERE WHAT DO I DO

representative: Okay, don't go see "The Love Guru" under any circumstances.

WordUpThome: CHECK AND CHECK AND CHECK

representative: Now, it'd probably be best to reinstall Firefox.

WordUpThome: OK I DON'T KNOW WHICH WIRE TO CUT

representative: Yeah, that can be difficult.

Tell you what, I'd better transfer you to someone who can help you better than I can.

But Jim, I'd like you to know, talking to you made my day just a little bit better.

WordUpThome: OH WELL CORNSHUCKS I SURE AM GLAD

LIKE JIM ALWAYS SAYS, A STRANGER IS JUST A FRIEND YOU HAVE NOT MET YET

ER-GO THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS STRANGERS

ER-GO I GUESS ALBERT CAMUS WROTE A BOOK ABOUT NOTHING

WHO IS ALBERT CAMUS

WordUpThome: ANYWAY YOU HAVE BEEN A VERY SWELL TELEPHONE LADY, HOPEFULLY WE WILL MEET ON THE TELENETS (PLURAL) AGAIN SOON

representative: I hope so too. I'll transfer you now. Have a good day, Jim.

/transfers

representative: /takes next call

Thank you for calling Illinois Gas and Electric. May I have your name and social, please?

caller: alright, first off are you foreign

caller: cause i'll tell you right now, i ain't racist or nothin', but if i talk to one more o those goddamn ******* sons a **********, i'm gonna cancel my service an' ***** em from a ******** ****

caller: i am from biloxi, mississippi

/shrew of a wife can be heard shrieking nonsense in background

representative: /sigh

Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com Photo Credit: Getty, Creative Commons
Filed under: Sports

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