A few years ago, I worked as a tech-support stiff for a high-speed Internet company. It was here that I learned a valuable lesson: people, on the whole, are innately wrong-headed, self-centered, callow, and worthless. They fail to justify their existences and contribute nothing to nobody. And this isn't meant in the "these people don't know anything about computers" sort of way that you often hear from tech-support nerds. It didn't matter whether they were from the North or South, young or old, male or female. Everyone is wretched.

Well, almost everyone. Occasionally I'd have the privilege of speaking to a Jim Thome sort of fellow. You know, a person who might not be technologically adept, but was a through-and-through good guy or girl who was rewarding to talk to. These people made my day.

And this Dugout, which is after the jump, is dedicated to them.

The Dugout

	representative: Thank you for calling Illinois Gas and Electric. May I have your name and social, please?
	WordUpThome: HI MY NAME IS JI JIM THOME AND HOW DO YOU DO
	representative: Okay, now is that a hyphenated last name? Ji Jim-Thome?
	WordUpThome: YOU CAN JUST CALL ME JIM I'M HAVING TROUBLE WITH MY FIRED FOX PART 3
	representative: I'm sorry?
	WordUpThome: IT'S A WEB BRUISER THAT I DOWN-LOADED AT THE BEHEST OF SEVERAL FRIENDS WHO TOLD ME IT WAS THE BEES' KNEES
	representative: Oh...so this problem is with something on your computer? This is actually the electric company. We're not able to help you with probl
	WordUpThome: AND IT'S ON MY COMPUTERED SCREEN NOW BUT THIS OLD BEAR CAN'T SEEM TO FIND HIS BOOK-MARKS
	representative: I'm sorry, but you're going to need to call someone else. We're just an electric company; we can make sure electricity goes to your computer, but we can't do anything else.
	WordUpThome: HOW IS YOUR DAY GOING
	representative: Um?...It's going pretty well.
	WordUpThome: DO YOU GET TO WEAR ONE OF THOSE SWELL HEAD-SETS LIKE THEY HAVE IN THE NAVY COMMERCIALS WHERE THE GENTLEMAN IS KEEPING OUR NATION SAFE FROM CYBERCRIMES THOSE ARE NEAT, I WONDER WHITHER HE COULD PREVENT Y.2.K'S IF HE DID NOT HAVE HIS HANDS FREE
	representative: hahaha Forget it. What problem are you having, Mr. Thome?
	WordUpThome: WELL OF A PRESSING MATTER, THIS OLD FOOL GOT ADD-ON HAPPY AND INSTALLED AN ADD-ON WHAT ALLOWS ME TO RIGHT-CLICK AND DRAG MY MOUSE ABOUT AND DRAW THINGS
	WordUpThome: BUT POOR JIM PROGRAMMED IT WRONG AND HIS PERSONAL CONFUSER HAS WENT HAY-WIRE
	representative: That sounds like a mouse gesture add-on. Try clicking and dragging right.
	WordUpThome: OK IT JUST OPENED 416 INSTANCES OF 3D SPACE CADET PINBALL
	WordUpThome: I THINK IT'S A SWELL GAME BUT I'M AFRAID I'M MORE A MULTI-ASKER THAN A MULTI-TASKER GUFFAW /guffaws
	representative: Okay then, try clicking and dragging left.
	WordUpThome: BONZI BUDDY
	representative: Down?
	WordUpThome: BONZI BUDDY THERE ARE NOW TWO BONZI BUDDIES ON MY SCREEN AND THEY APPEAR TO BE DOING CIRCUS TRICKS OK THEY JUST ASKED ME IF I WANT TO INTERNET SEARCH FOR BONZI BUDDY WHY WOULD I WANT TO INTERNET SEARCH FOR BONZI BUDDY IF THEY'RE ALREADY AT MY FINGERED TIPS
	WordUpThome: DARN IT SOMETIMES JIM FEELS LIKE ROAD KILL ON THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY
	representative: Oh Jim, don't get down on yourself! Try dragging up!
	WordUpThome: OKERY DOKERY DOCK
	WordUpThome: OK NOW A SCREENED SAVER HAS APPEARED
	WordUpThome: IT IS OF "THE LOVE GURU" STARRING MICHAEL MYERS HE IS REMINDING A MIDGET OF A PRESSING APPOINTMENT WITH THE LOLLIPOP GUILD
	WordUpThome: NOW THE MIDGET IS THROWING THINGS AT BREAKING WINDOWS BECAUSE I GUESS HE'S MAD NOW MICHAEL MYERS IS DODGING THE THINGS THAT ARE THROWN AT HIM AND THEY ARE BREAKING WINDOWS AND SUCH
	WordUpThome: NOW MY COMPUTER IS ACCOSTING ME TO GO SEE THE LOVE GURU IT SAYS IT'S OUT IN THEATERS EVERYWHERE WHAT DO I DO
	representative: Okay, don't go see "The Love Guru" under any circumstances.
	WordUpThome: CHECK AND CHECK AND CHECK
	representative: Now, it'd probably be best to reinstall Firefox.
	WordUpThome: OK I DON'T KNOW WHICH WIRE TO CUT
	representative: Yeah, that can be difficult. Tell you what, I'd better transfer you to someone who can help you better than I can. But Jim, I'd like you to know, talking to you made my day just a little bit better.
	WordUpThome: OH WELL CORNSHUCKS I SURE AM GLAD LIKE JIM ALWAYS SAYS, A STRANGER IS JUST A FRIEND YOU HAVE NOT MET YET ER-GO THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS STRANGERS ER-GO I GUESS ALBERT CAMUS WROTE A BOOK ABOUT NOTHING WHO IS ALBERT CAMUS
	WordUpThome: ANYWAY YOU HAVE BEEN A VERY SWELL TELEPHONE LADY, HOPEFULLY WE WILL MEET ON THE TELENETS (PLURAL) AGAIN SOON
	representative: I hope so too. I'll transfer you now. Have a good day, Jim. /transfers
	representative: /takes next call Thank you for calling Illinois Gas and Electric. May I have your name and social, please?
	caller: alright, first off are you foreign
	caller: cause i'll tell you right now, i ain't racist or nothin', but if i talk to one more o those goddamn ***** sons a ******, i'm gonna cancel my service an' * em from a **** **
	caller: i am from biloxi, mississippi /shrew of a wife can be heard shrieking nonsense in background
	representative: /sigh

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The Dugout: Jim Thome, Call Center Hero

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Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com Photo Credit: Getty, Creative Commons

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