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It's the question that's been on every sports fan's mind: Quis re-custodiet ipsos custodes? Okay, it's the question that's been on the mind of every late 1st and early 2nd centuries CE Latin sports fan, and even though it probably had more to do with throwing the discus, we're using it tonight to talk about baseball.
The instant replay initiative memos have been placed onto players' chairs, and that means instant replay is SERIOUS BUSINESS. Will it stop with home run calls? No. Will it stop with close plays in important situations? Of course not. Will it stop when we're TiVo-ing check swings and deeply investigating the use of the pogo stick in Ketchup's nightly victory in the Hot Dog Race? Okay, maybe then it'll stop.
Tonight's Dugout, and tonight's Dugout-within-a-Dugout, are after the jump.
The Dugout
| **Online Host** Welcome to the Newsstand In Alternate 2008 Chatroom! |
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ZackAndMiriMakeAMorneau: /sits on street corner, types into laptop |
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Umpire: Got today's ESPN the Magazine? |
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bud_is_wiser: Sure. /reaches up, pulls down magazine This Instant Replay issue's lookin' serious. Makes a guy start settin' timetables, y'know? |
| **Online Host** It was then I conceived of building a raft... |
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bud_is_wiser: Right now it's looking like it'll just be for home run calls, but pretty soon we might go all the way. |
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Umpire: /flips through magazine Sure. But when games are five hours of guys arguin' balls and strikes, I'm splittin'. |
| **Online Host** ...although inwardly I doubted it would float. |
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Umpire: Anyways, this'll be enough glossy photos of LeBron James dunkin' to get me tru the next game. See you next delivery day. |
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bud_is_wiser: Yeah. Sure... |
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**Online Host** Suddenly, I recalled the gas-bloated stomachs of the 40-man roster , then shuddered at the idea I found myself considering. |
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bud_is_wiser: "Arguin' balls and strikes." Humm. |
| **Online Host** I attempted to banish the repulsive notion... |
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bud_is_wiser: Ahh, it'll never happen. Wonder what's delayin' the Sporting News? |
| **Online Host** ...but it would not let me be. |
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bud_is_wiser: FanHouse updates fifty times a day, today's Sporting News arrives late. Goddamn instant replay's screwin' everything up. |
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**Online Host** Not when I considered the nature of my situation. |
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ZackAndMiriMakeAMorneau: /skims FanHouse |
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bud_is_wiser: Absolutely everything. |
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ZackAndMiriMakeAMorneau: /clicks to continue reading today's Dugout, "Tales Of The Instant Replay," after the jump |
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MikiruBeam: Everything I loved, everything I lived for depended on reaching the end of the season in advance of that terrible decision about Instant Replay. |
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MikiruBeam: Clinging to the memory of Willie Stargell, I dragged men up from the disabled list, sand trickling from their sockets. |
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MikiruBeam: /pulls Phil Dumatrait toward ocean by the leg |
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MikiruBeam: Removing their uniforms, I tore it to ribbons, binding them together. Occasionally I would pause in my work, entranced by the startling reality of a midseason series win or the enigma of an extra base hit. |
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MikiruBeam: By afternoon, I'd felled enough of the foul pole to build the deck of my conveyance, afixing it to the human float beneath. |
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MikiruBeam: Satisfied, I waited for dusk and ebb tide, then embarked, heading toward the NL East. |
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MikiruBeam: East, toward Philadelphia. East, borne on the naked backs of murdered men. |
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MikiruBeam: With dawn came the gulls, drawn to the carrion upon which my team rested. Lent speed by my hunger, I was able to rip one from the air. I had not eaten since the shipwreck, and even a dinner of bird face and feathered salt-rectum beats spending twenty minutes watching Ronny Paulino demand that Tim Byrdak'd just thrown low. |
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MikiruBeam: Stomach filled with raw meat; gull blood caked upon my chin, I drifted on towards the end of the season. We'd have time to talk it over then. Nothing would take that from me. |
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bud_is_wiser: Tellya the truth, this whole bloody mess, it gives me a funny feelin' inside, y'know? |
| **Online Host** There was a gull in my stomach. |
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bud_is_wiser: It's like, I dunno how long we can hold on. |
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**Online Host** I'd swallowed too much birdflesh. I'd swallowed too much horror. The image began to play in my mind, over and again, each time becoming more clear, more exact, and... oh no Suddenly, I saw what I did there |
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bud_is_wiser: maybe we oughta say "t'hell with it" and make Manny Ramirez get a flat top instead... |
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ZackAndMiriMakeAMorneau: Hey, man, I'm reading. /points to laptop |
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bud_is_wiser: See? Apathy! Everybody escapin' into comic strips and blogs! Makes me sick. |
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hey_fasanos: /walks through chatroom with "THE END IS NIGH" picket sign |
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