I am not satisfied with being a song-and-dance man on this blog. I watch baseball, I understand it, I should be able to break down the intangibles and reference the OPS-pluses. So in preparation for tonight's post I opened up my Baseball Prospectus and studied my PECOTA, and when I couldn't think of any Watchmen parodies for the ALCS I decided to break it down into what the mascots were saying if they were arguing. Of course the mascots don't really talk, but they're supposed to be typing, so it's okay. And if you think too hard about our illogical typing/talking to each other in real life interface, just imagine that instead of talking they're saying these things through high-fives and elaborate pantomime.

Tonight's Dugout features mascots that're fun for the whole family, so obviously there will be some harsh language and adult situations. Reader discretion is advised.

The Dugout

	WallyThe37FootWall: So what're you supposed to be, exactly?
	EverybodyLovesRaymond: I am a "mossy, bossy" man-like creature resembling an emperor tamarin, I speak for the trees.
	EverybodyLovesRaymond: I'm asking you sir, at the top of my lungs - that thing! That horrible thing that I see! What's that thing you've made out of my truffula tree?
	WallyThe37FootWall: Look, Raymond, calm down. That's Kevin Youkilis.
	EverybodyLovesRaymond: Oh. Well, what're you supposed to be? You look like a vomiting muppet.
	WallyThe37FootWall: I'm a green monster.
	EverybodyLovesRaymond: Huh. I'd have thought jealousy would be a better mascot for the New York Yankees.
	WallyThe37FootWall: I'd love to stick around and talk, but honestly I'm only going to be here for like four days and then I don't have to see you again until April.
	EverybodyLovesRaymond: Sorry to burst your bubble you ginger a**hole, but Tampa is the big story this year in baseball.
	EverybodyLovesRaymond: And look around at this great stadium... we've got a giant orange, a childrens art studio, a tank full of sea creatures... why look at the splashing, the rays are cheering for us right now!
	EverybodyLovesRaymond: What does YOUR stadium have?
	WallyThe37FootWall: we don't have a stadium, we have a park, and to answer your question 16 dollar rotisserie chickens and 100 years of baseball history
	WallyThe37FootWall: oh and also sunshine
	WallyThe37FootWall: and we don't play underneath a giant boob
	EverybodyLovesRaymond: then how do you explain John Henry ooooh, water burn
	WallyThe37FootWall: trust me pal, you don't want to make it to the big show, the Phanatic'll stab you through the heart with his f***en party favor tongue
	WallyThe37FootWall: the Dodgers don't even have a mascot and he'd still kick your ass
	WallyThe37FootWall: some build-a-bear from the frickin' Build-A-Bear Workshop would put on a Dodgers shirt and come to live just to murder you
	EverybodyLovesRaymond: They say I'm old-fashioned, and live in the past, but sometimes I think progress progresses too fast!
	WallyThe37FootWall: oh my stars and garters what are you quoting now, what're you, five
	EverybodyLovesRaymond: well uh
	EverybodyLovesRaymond: they discovered me in the Gulf of Mexico in 1999, so in all actuality I'm like 9
	EverybodyLovesRaymond: but you're one to talk, you debuted in 1997, so you're only 11!
	WallyThe37FootWall: fool, know your history
	WallyThe37FootWall: I was a huge Red Sox fan who decided to move inside the left field wall of Fenway Park and lived the life of a hermit for 50 years
	WallyThe37FootWall: and before that I was a grown up adult Red Sox fan so 1997 minus 50 minus adult equals I was born in 1922 bitch
	WallyThe37FootWall: and what do you think I was doing for 50 years inside of that big wall, huh?
	EverybodyLovesRaymond: getting pissed on by Manny Ramirez?
	WallyThe37FootWall: getting pissed on by
	WallyThe37FootWall: turkey I was gathering knowledge, learning everything there was to learn, so that when I emerged I could make like the very left field wall what was my home and devour weak ass n****s like you
	EverybodyLovesRaymond: who is that you have pitching today, Bobby Lee from MADtv? Yeah I'm real scared of that guy
	WallyThe37FootWall: Bobby Lee has shut you out for seven innings so far
	EverybodyLovesRaymond: yeah somehow he throws a magically unhittable 77 mph fastball 11 feet to the right of the plate and we call it a strike
	WallyThe37FootWall: you don't know anything about baseball, you are 9, when I was 9 we were in the great depression and all we had to pitch was Milt Gaston
	WallyThe37FootWall: but seriously, what the hell are you supposed to be
	EverybodyLovesRaymond: honestly
	WallyThe37FootWall: yes bitch honestly
	EverybodyLovesRaymond: honestly I am a "Canus Manta Whatthefluffalus" or in layman's terms, a seadog.
	WallyThe37FootWall: a seadog, what the eff is a seadog
	EverybodyLovesRaymond: I'm like a regular dog except I'm six feet tall, blue, and I make your gathering or charitable event fun.
	WallyThe37FootWall: I don't know I think a regular dog could make my event pretty fun
	EverybodyLovesRaymond: I was honest with you, now you've got to be honest with me, what're you supposed to be?
	WallyThe37FootWall: I'm a damn green monster what the hell do I look like
	EverybodyLovesRaymond: seriously
	WallyThe37FootWall: all right you got me, I'm actually former Sawks outfielder Mike Menosky driven mad and transformed over a quest for the one ring
	WallyThe37FootWall: I used to look like this /
	EverybodyLovesRaymond: you look much happier now
	WallyThe37FootWall: yeah well we were living through a depression
	WallyThe37FootWall: plus, winning a championship after being the ass-end of the league forever'll put a smile on your face
	EverybodyLovesRaymond: well I'm trying
	WallyThe37FootWall: it's all right man, you're doing well for yourself
	WallyThe37FootWall: oh look, we just won the game two-to-nothing, fartttttt
	WallyThe37FootWall: suck it sea-bitch
	EverybodyLovesRaymond: I speak for the trees when I say kiss my shaggy blue ass

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