Sunday Hangover: Why Can't Penn State?

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This was for those who like their baseball games as pitchers' duels, their offenses by Auburn and their movies starring Kirsten Dunst.

This one was for those who like 'em ugly.

Penn State's 13-6 win over Ohio State was artistic only in the way modern sculpture is artistic, which is to say if you squinted while drinking heavily. It was football-in the-snow ugly and teams-constructed-by-Matt Millen difficult to stomach. In the college football landscape of spread offenses and scores that run higher than Iowa's arrest tally, this was smashmouth football at its finest.

Even a Big Ten replay official couldn't mistake it for what it was.

The Nittany Lions punched the clock, put their hard hats on and started slugging -- for three hours. Their vaunted Spread HD offense was reduced to rabbit ears with aluminum foil -- quarterback Darryl Clark finished with 121 yards passing and the Nittany Lions managed a total yardage output that might've been mistaken for Shawn Kemp's cholesterol count. Meanwhile, the unlikely hero, Penn State backup quarterback Pat Devlin came off the bench to lead the Lions to victory and didn't throw a pass, while the likely hero, Ohio State's Terrelle Pryor, fumbled away the lead.

But for whatever shortcomings the offense had, the Penn State defense put on a clinic of high-definition bell-ringing, crushing the Buckeye offense like a sledgehammer hitting an empty beer can.

Sure, Joe Paterno's sock drawer might be more interesting, but now that the borders of the BCS puzzle are put together, Penn State is entrenched in the middle. Even at No. 3, they're so close to the driver's seat that the Nittany Lions are all but moving the gear shift out of their butt pad. You might forgive them if, in political parlance, they're already measuring the drapes in Dolphin Stadium.

But do they deserve it?

That the Nittany Lions are currently third in the pecking order isn't exactly a red-state, blue-state kind of divide. Both No. 1 Texas and No. 2 Alabama have played against schedules that might as well be the NFC East compared to Penn State. If Texas finishes the season undefeated, they will have defeated four teams ranked in the top 11 and possibly five if Missouri takes the Big 12 North, rights its season and loses to the Longhorns again. Alabama's win over then-No. 9 Clemson might be selling for pennies on the dollar with the Tigers' collapse, but if the Tide finishes undefeated, they'll have a win over a likely top-10 team in Georgia and a second over the SEC East champion, plus a win over defending national champion LSU.

And Texas Tech, which faces an upcoming three-game schedule that would make the Washington Generals think the deck is stacked against them, will waltz into the BCS title game should they beat Oklahoma, Oklahoma State and Texas and win the Big 12 to finish undefeated.

But, in language baseball fans on the other side of the Keystone State might understand, aside from those three undefeated scenarios, "Why can't Nittany Lions?"

While the rest of the college football world is giving up golf scores on a weekly basis, Penn State has managed to keep opposing teams to something more like Tiger Woods on a putt-putt course. Defensive coordinator Tom Bradley compared his group to a fourth line in hockey. But with brutal playmakers Aaron Maybin, Navorro Bowman and Maurice Evans, they're a fourth line only if your checkers can shatter glass with their opponents and leave the crowd sore from the beating. Only Illinois has scored more than three touchdowns against Penn State and the Illini hung 42 on Missouri, 55 on Indiana and racked up more yardage in the Big House than any visiting team in the stadium's almost-as-old-as-Paterno existence. (Big Joe is one year older than the Big House and two years older than television.)

Their offense, meanwhile, is averaging just under 42 points a game, a touchdown more per game than either of Ohio State's teams that lost in the BCS title game, the two teams that haunt the Lions like the Bush presidency haunts John McCain.

And are the Nittany Lions so much worse than any other one-loss team? USC has the same marquee win as Penn State, albeit with a bucket load of style points. But the Trojans lost to Oregon State, a team that Penn State picked apart like a Thanksgiving turkey, and are definitely to the rear of the Nittany Lions. Oklahoma is almost certainly a superior team, but they've already proved that without linebacker Ryan Reynolds, they can't beat Texas on a neutral field. The Ole Miss team that knocked off Florida is better than any team Penn State has played outside Ohio State, but the Rebels beat the Gators in the Swamp and, for the moment, at least created a fog of doubt around Urban Meyer's club. The Georgia Bulldogs have been as erratic as any Cincinnati Bengal behind the wheel after midnight, and their best win is over a fading LSU. TCU might be the nation's most underrated team, but after a sound beating by Oklahoma, it's hard to get the Horned Frogs in the championship picture.

But the marks against the Nittany Lions are so big Sarah Palin can probably see them from her house.

First, there's guilt by association. The Big Ten has bombed twice in the BCS title game and the nation is as eager for another sequel to the Big Ten-BCS horror flick as it is to White Chicks. And if the Big Ten seemed down in the past two years, it's been positively hide-your-money-in-the-mattress recessionary this year. The league doesn't have a non-conference win against a team currently ranked in the top 25 and its best win is Wisconsin's 13-10 squeaker over Fresno State. The Nittany Lions' own non-conference schedule included Oregon State, Temple, Syracuse, Coastal Carolina, and, reportedly, Joe the Plumber, teams that are 7-14 against Bowl Subdivision competition. And this is where college football should take lessons from its hardwood brother. The NCAA Tournament has become a yearly referendum on strength of schedule and mopey-faced Jim Boeheim interviews. With just two spots to pick instead of 34 at-large bids, the BCS committee should be even more selective than its March Madness counterparts.

Of course, Penn State's scheduling deficiency is largely due to the Big Ten's collapse, but that's all the more reason to step up to the plate in the non-conference schedule as a precautionary measure.

And there's plenty of reason to wonder exactly how good Penn State's team is. They've faced just one top-25 defense, Ohio State, which made their offense like they were trying to back out of a mud pit. (By comparison, eight SEC teams are in the top 25 in total defense). Clark threw for just 121 yards and spent most of the game running like he was trying to catch a cab, pursued by Marcus Freeman and Ohio State's surprisingly effective pass rush. Game-hero Devlin didn't officially throw a pass – his lone chuck resulted in a pass interference call. Evan Royster picked up just 77 yards rushing and his big play was a 10-yard grind. And were it not for a heck of a play by Mark Rubin to force a fumble, Penn State may very well have lost the battle of field goals.

Even Jim Harrick Jr. thinks Penn State's tests have been too easy. The only top-20 offense Penn State has faced is Illinois. The Big 12, by comparison, has five teams in the top nine and eight in the top 27.

Meanwhile, those one-loss SEC teams that the Lions are ahead of now are almost certain to build better resumes than a Penn State team with Iowa, Indiana and Michigan State left on the schedule. Either Georgia or Florida will pick up another top-10 win next weekend and a second if they win the SEC title. And no team in the nation has more momentum than Florida, which has scored more just seven fewer points in its last two wins than Ohio State has scored against Big Ten competition all season. Even Utah might have as good of an argument as Penn State. If the Utes finish undefeated, they'll have wins over Oregon State, TCU's top-ranked defense and a top-25 BYU team.

Of course, it may all be moot. John Daly has a better chance of walking a straight line after a night on the town than any team has of making a straight shot to the BCS title game. Two years ago, Southern Cal was all but a lock for a return to the BCS title game on the final weekend before UCLA stunned the Trojans 12-9 in the Coliseum. Last season it was West Virginia dreaming about crystal footballs when a loser of a Pitt squad popped a final weekend surprise.

Does Penn State deserve to be in the BCS title game? Let's just say the HD in Spread HD should probably stand for Highly Doubtful. But in a year in which only Texas, and a wobbly Alabama have separated themselves, the selection of whichever team gets in will probably have a lot in common with Penn State's win Saturday.

It'll be just plain ugly.

So, "Why can't Nittany Lions?"

The Big 16

Find out who the nation's top teams are each week as we rank the best 16 and set up something heretofore unheard of in college football, a play... wait for it... off. At season's end, the top 16 will compete in two brackets -- the Fairburn, Ga. division, ancestral home of Hangover mancrush Eric Berry, and the erstwhile Fort Myers, Fla. division, ancestral home of the pizza bagel.
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• 1. Texas Longhorns: Colt McCoy actually threw an incomplete pass (seven of them), an occurrence as rare in Texas football as a loss to Rice or a woman in a Vince Young party pic. Next week's game against Texas Tech could be the Longhorns' biggest challenge, as it their young secondaries will have to make a lot of smart on-field decisions against the Red Raiders' switching wide receivers and Swiss Army Knife of a passing game.
• 2. Alabama Crimson Tide: We can get behind the Tide's 29-9 win over Phil Fulmer, but if quarterback John Parker Wilson keeps the Zac Efron hair cut going, Joe Namath may disown him from the Alabama fraternity of quarterbacks ... or possibly mistakenly try and kiss him after having one too many at the Iron Bowl.
  
• 3. Penn State Nittany Lions: The Nittany Lions' next game against Iowa could set an NCAA record for bail bondsmen in attendance.
• 4. Oklahoma Sooners: The Sooners scored 55 points in the first half, which is more than Auburn has scored in its last three SEC games.
• 5. Florida Gators: The Gators are peaking heading into Saturday's "Cocktail Party" tilt with Georgia, while Kentucky, which managed just five points in the 63-5 romp, is in prime preseason basketball practice form.
• 6. Texas Tech: The Red Raiders handed out the worst beating Lawrence, Kan., has seen since its Civil War-era border raids by Missouri ... possibly led by Joe Paterno.
• 7. USC: Just when it seemed Georgia had the market cornered on winning ugly, the Trojans offer up another narrow escape.
• 8. Georgia Bulldogs: Knowshon Moreno racked up 210 yards of offense in this game last year. Can Florida win if it doesn't control Moreno again? Can anyone replace Trinton Sturdivant's phenomenal dance skills if they don't?
  
• 9. Oklahoma State: The Cowboys forced Texas' Colt McCoy to throw seven incompletions, commit two second-half turnovers; they survived a terrible play-call on fourth-down on their next to last possession and still came within a 50-yard pass of beating the top-ranked Longhorns. Mike Gundy is 41. He's a man. And he's a heckuva coach.
• 10. TCU Horned Frogs: Watching TCU's defense dismantle Wyoming was a fair approximation of what a python might look like squeezing a guinea pig.
• 11. Utah Utes: If Utah makes it through to a BCS game, they'll have earned it with two of their final three games against TCU and BYU, and with a come-from-behind win over Oregon State earlier in the year.
• 12. Ohio State Buckeyes: The pollsters will probably punish Ohio State for its loss to Penn State, not to mention its failure to score a touchdown, but credit Jim Tressel for sticking with Terrelle Pryor, a move that will pay off next year.
• 13. Boise State Broncos: Kellen Moore threw two passes against San Jose State and Ian Johnson ran for two passes while crocheting three hats, hat manufacturing being a little-known BCS component.
• 14. Missouri Tigers: Finally a standout defensive performance from the Tigers to match their high-scoring offense.
  
• 15. Tulsa Golden Hurricane: This ranking all but insures Todd Graham's team is going down against Central Florida.
  
• 16. Ball State Cardinals: If the BCS title was awarded for most inspiring stories, Ball State's continuing dominance after Dante Love's career-ending injury would earn Nate Davis and company their own crystal football.