The Once-Over, Week 12

With attention spans dwindling, we forego full game-by-game previews to give you the essentials you need to know about every contest this glorious NFL weekend. Click here to go back in time.

The 1s

Tampa Bay (7-3) at Detroit (0-10): For all the extremely negative things you could say about the Lions, one thing needs to be noted: Detroit has been competitive the last four weeks. Granted, they still are losing and could easily be the first winless team in a non strike-season since 1976, but it isn't like they're falling behind 21-0 in every game as they were earlier this year. That said, when people this week are e-mailing me with things like, "Hey buddy, was thinking about starting Jeff Garcia in fantasy over Ben Roethlisberger, Matt Cassel and Donovan McNabb," you know things aren't perfect in Detroit.

Also, for Detroit fans, I'm a little disappointed the Super Bowl isn't in their town this year like 2006. What a football upper that would be, to have a team this bad around all season long, only to know that you at least have the Super Bowl in your digs to get you through the year.

Pick: Tampa Bay

Houston (3-7) at Cleveland (4-6): To say the Texans are bad on the road would be like saying you probably don't want Hannibal Lecter babysitting your kiddos. It isn't a "probably," actually, you just do not. No way. Under any circumstances. Houston is giving up 32.2 points per game on the road and have yet to pick up a victory, and with the Brady Quinn Experiment finding a little extra coal, I don't expect things to change. While he didn't exactly light it up against the Bills, Quinn has yet to toss an interception and seems to have found a workable chemistry with Kellen Winslow and Braylon Edwards, you know, if those two could actually catch a football. The biggest variable in the Quinn Experiment could be the health of Winslow, who is suffering from his testicles a shoulder injury. He's been on the receiving end of 13 passes in the last two games with Quinn at the helm.

Pick: Cleveland

Minnesota (5-5) at Jacksonville (4-6): You can really seem some similarities in these two teams. Defenses we all expected would make more a difference in games but have been lackluster, giving up 23.4 and 21 points per game, respectively. Then you have the quarterback situation. While David Garrard hasn't been bad, he can't really be chalked up as a game-changing quarterback, throwing just eight touchdowns in 10 games this season. On the other side of the ball, Gus Frerotte has thrown 11 touchdowns for the Vikings, which would be good if he hadn't thrown the same amount of interceptions. You know, potato poTAto. I feel like you almost have to go with the Jags here because Maurice Jones-Drew has been on a tear lately, scoring six touchdowns in his last three games. You up for the challenge, Mighty Mouse?

Pick: Jacksonville

Buffalo (5-5) at Kansas City (1-9): Wow, the Bills are pretty terrible. They started the season 5-1 and had almost everyone talking about their chances of clinching the AFC East, right up until they fell directly on their face. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. I hate to say it, but this is my upset of the week, mainly because the loss last week was season-ending for Buffalo.

Pick: Kansas City

Chicago (5-5) at St. Louis (2-8): If you have a suicide pool, go ahead and write "Bears" down and be done with it. This team is coming off their worst loss in five years, but will have a healthy Kyle Orton behind center, which is about 46 times better than any form of Rex Grossman at this point. While Orton hasn't exactly been winning games for the Bears of late, he has been keeping the ball away from his opponent. In nine games as stater this year, Orton has only thrown interceptions in two, the latest being eight weeks ago. It would probably help the cause for Chicago if they scored more than 17 points, their total the last two weeks combined. While I love the Bears here this week, I'd have to say, getting called out by Gale Sayers isn't exactly a huge vote of confidence for your squad. Come on Devin Hester, run like you mean it.

Pick: Chicago

New England (6-4) at Miami (6-4): Did you know Joey Porter hates the Patriots? Did you also know he holds a grudge against the Patriots? A big fat grudge. One of those you probably couldn't finish if the aforementioned grudge was a hamburger. Yep, he isn't exactly the guy you'd want to spill your drink on. That said, I think Matt Cassel is pretty darn good and had one of those contract weeks that will probably land him $6-8 million more than he is worth. Hey, how can you blame the guy, he went to a costume party without an outfit and ended up winning the award for most creative of the night. I'd take the over on congratulatory emails from buddies after last week at 450. It pays double if he still uses his USC account.

Pick: New England

NY Jets (7-3) at Tennessee (10-0): Honestly, can these Titans lose please so we can get the obligatory Sportscenter cameo of the 1972 Dolphins drinking Champagne. Geez, are they annoying. How much longer do you think this goes on? I'm honestly excited for the moment when they can't show those Dolphins anymore, because everyone is in a nursing home where they don't allow alcohol inside. Do you think they'll celebrate with white grape juice? I sure hope so. That seems like more of a party anyway. Also, I hate Brett Favre in this game. Typical "Dude, he's baaaaaaaack" game where Favre throws two picks in a loss (while he's contemplating retirement).

Pick: Tennessee

Philadelphia (5-4) at Baltimore (6-4): Things I feel might be beneficial for Donovan McNabb to know: the Earth's moon is actually called Moon; Diet Dr. Pepper tastes a lot like regular Dr. Pepper; the movie "Toy Story" is actually not a real movie with real people, it was made by computers (but does have actual human voices); and Dan Marino was on "Ace Ventura." Oh, and an important thing -- Barack Obama was just elected President. I think that should hold you over for a while. Let me know if you need anything else to get you through the week.

Pick: Baltimore

San Francisco (3-7) at Dallas (6-4): Remember back in the day when this used to be the rivalry in the NFL? Yeah, I guess that was before Shaun Hill was the starting quarterback for the 49ers. Sorry friends and ex-girlfriends from the Bay Area, this could get ugly.

Pick: Dallas

The 4s

Oakland (2-8) at Denver (6-4): Did you know the Broncos are leading the AFC West while sporting the 29th-worst defense in the league? People wonder why I bet a guy that the Donkeys wouldn't win five games this season. One good thing for the Broncos -- Oakland couldn't pass the clap to Jenna Jameson. True story.

Pick: Denver

NY Giants (9-1) at Arizona (7-3): I was planning on going to work this game for FanHouse but, because of a confusion in the credentials department, I am not. No worry, I actually have the questions I would have asked Kurt Warner after the game. "Kurt, compare this offense to the explosive offense of the Rams when you played there?" "Kurt, what is the added width of your shoulder pads compared to a normal quarterback in the NFL?" "Sir, do you think not drinking alcohol all these years has helped you keep your youth? On that same note, do you laugh at those Coors Light commercials or scoff because of the company?" "Thanks for your time!"

Speaking of the game -- I was talking to a Cardinals fan last night who expressed his opinion on the contest this weekend -- "No way the Cards lose. If they were playing the Browns or Bengals they'd lose 24-23 on a missed extra point, but they always show up when playing tough opponents." Well boys, here is the toughest, do what you want with it.

Pick: NY Giants

Carolina (8-2) at Atlanta (6-4): This is it for Matt Ryan. You crap or you get off the pot. If you read anything I write (which I'll apologize in advance for), you know that I have a soft spot in my heart for Ryan. He's the rookie nobody believed in, and also basically the co-MVP for the first part of the season. Last week he laid his first real stinker on us and is now looking up in his division. This is it. Either you show up or you do not. I think the kiddo shows up like the hot girl you can't remember at a high school reunion. Game ... on.

Pick: Atlanta

Washington (6-4) at Seattle (2-8): Clinton Portis is back, so the Redskins have that going for them. That, and the Seahawks are absolutely horrible. You know how we get those economy stimulus checks these days from the government? I propose a vote that we send all that money to Seattle, just because of what they've had to go through with their sports teams. Honestly, I couldn't imagine a worse place to live right now if you're a sports fan. Sorry guys.

Pick: Washington

SNF

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Sorry you had to read that, I was just trying to help clarify the Pittsburgh-San Diego ruling at the end of the game last week. I hope that helped.

Pick: Indianapolis

MNF

Green Bay (5-5) at New Orleans (5-5): Now this is more like it. A Monday night game with a little firepower. Nice work, ESPN, you finally get it. I see this just like I see the Washington-Washington State game this weekend. When two teams with basically the same niche play each other, you have to go with the guys at home. Drew Brees, I really do like you. I think you're talented, and I wouldn't want another quarterback in my fantasy league. That being said, can you please throw a few touchdowns this weekend? Just do it for me and T-Mantz. That is all I ask. I'll even wear my Purdue shirt all day Monday if that helps.

Pick: New Orleans