LOOK: Amazing Underwater Photos Of Dogs
Rick Santorum's Wife Sued Doctor For $500,000 In 1999
Look at that guy. How could you not pardon that? Roger Clemens could be seeking a Presidential pardon for his crimes, and his journey toward freedom begins here, with his biggest fans, the writers of The Dugout.
This afternoon's Dugout -- a tasteful, progressive look at the gray areas of white-collar American crime -- is after the jump.
The Dugout
 |
OldLOL: and it turns out that no matter how bad what you did was, if you're friends with the President you can get what's called a "pardon." |
|---|---|
|
OldLOL: The only way I'm going to avoid criminal prosecution is if I get one of those things. I can't even remember if I'm on trial for perjury or steroids or statutory rape anymore. |
|
OldLOL: I heard they talked about me in something called the "Ass. Press" and I can't remember if that's exactly what I did to Taylor Swift or not, so maybe that's it |
|
OldLOL: n e wayz, I think the only thing I didn't lie to Congress about was being friends with you.. so what do you say, will you pardon me? For old time's sakes? |
 |
HamburgerPimp: I'm not the President, Grimace, I'm your old pal Ronald McDonald! |
|
OldLOL: Grimace who the f*** is a grimace |
|
HamburgerPimp: You... you aren't Grimace? |
|
OldLOL: no? |
|
HamburgerPimp: Big fat purple guy, loves milkshakes? |
|
OldLOL: Well that sounds like me, but - heeey wait a minute did you say you weren't the President?? |
|
HamburgerPimp: I'm the Chief Happiness Officer of the McDonald's Corporation and the unofficial leader of a group of monstrous anthropomorphic beasts in the land of hamburgers. |
|
OldLOL: oh, I've seen you around, I always assumed you were the president. huh. |
|
OldLOL: so tell me where I can find the For Reals President, Donald the Clown |
|
HamburgerPimp: Have you tried the White House? |
|
OldLOL: which white house my house is white, do you mean my house? |
|
HamburgerPimp: Are you okay? |
|
OldLOL: I can point you in the face and say that NO~!, I have never done drugs, period, especially not right before I went to get lunch |
|
HamburgerPimp: Okay, good, because I'm a plastic sculpture adhered to this bench |
|
OldLOL: well then can I get a f***in fish sandwich I been sitting out here talking into you for days hello |
|
OldLOL: eff you, clown /wanders out of McDonald's Playland |
| **Online Host** The next day, in the The White House Chatroom! |
|
 |
OldLOL: /flips through New York Post |
 |
Secretary: Sir, are you all right? You're making bitter beer face. |
|
OldLOL: No, I was just... gyaaah, drinking out of this potted plant. How much longer until I get to speak to the President? |
|
Secretary: We're going through a transitional period right now. The President will be with you at his earliest convenience. |
|
OldLOL: Say, this isn't another night terror, is it? I'm not going to wake up screaming in a Burger King again, right |
|
Secretary: what |
|
OldLOL: Are you 18? |
|
Secretary: No Mr. Clemens, I'm 46 years old. |
|
OldLOL: lol i'll pretend you said 18 |
| **Online Host** Literally seconds later, in the Oval Office Chatroom! |
|
|
OldLOL: Mr. President, thank God I can finally talk to you, I need a pardon to protect me from the bunch of crimes I committed |
 |
bush_league: Nine-eleven, our enemies in Al-Qaeda, axis of evil /squints eyes |
|
OldLOL: Do you know the old ladies I had to talk to to get in here? Answer me! |
|
bush_league: strategery |
|
bush_league: sighhhh I can't do this to you, Roger. We're old friends, I've got to be straight. I'm just trying to keep my head down and get through these last few months. |
|
bush_league: I haven't even been President for like two years now, most of the time it's Frank Caliendo filling in for me |
|
OldLOL: Oh wow, you know I was wondering why you'd suddenly become super hilarious |
|
bush_league: yeah but then he started doing Madden and the gas prices started going up, and |
|
bush_league: Well, I just plumb can't help you, Rocket. You'll have to talk to the new President. |
|
OldLOL: New President?? When the hell did this happen? /looks around /notices President-Elect |
|
OldLOL: You mean the- /leans in that guy? |
 |
SweetHomeAlObama: What can I do for you, Roger? |
|
OldLOL: Uh... well... |
|
OldLOL: Hey cowboy, you sure you don't want to be President for a little longer? |
|
bush_league: you know, you're the first person to say that to me |
|
SweetHomeAlObama: Don't be afraid, Roger, I love baseball, and by proxy probably begrudgingly respect your accomplishments and hate the guts out of you. What can I do for you? |
|
OldLOL: Nah I just got these legal issues and... oh hey do you have any daughters? |
|
SweetHomeAlObama: I have two beautiful daughters, ages 7 and 10. |
|
OldLOL: aw man if you put them together that'd be perfect |
Santorum Called Himself A 'Progressive Conservative' In 1990
Congress Agrees On Payroll Tax Cut, Unemployment Extension
Most Inmates In Honduras Prison Fire Were Not Convicted
'Colbert Report' Abruptly Suspends Production For The Week
Relintless: Knicks Run Winning Streak To Seven Games
Scott Brown: Elizabeth Warren Has Assumed The 'Mantle Of Oppressor'
Source: Michigan Governor To Endorse Romney
SEC Official: Common Wall St. Conversations Carry 'Troubling' Potential For Abuse
RECOVERING THE RECOVERY: A Good Sign For American Jobs
Oklahoma Senate Approves 'Personhood' Bill
Kennedy Launches Campaign
More iPads Reportedly Seized In China
Jimmy Carter Casts Movement As 'Relatively Successful'
Should Homeless People Be Sheltered Or Diverted? Obama Budget Renews Debate
WATCH: MSNBC Host's Extremely Harsh Attack On Santorum
Over 1,000 Old Detroit Rape Kits To Be Tested
Semi Truck's Tires Explode Through Front door, Land In Kitchen
Canadian Businessman Convicted Of Raping woman In New York Hotel Room
Actress In Controversial China Political Ad Apologizes
National Group Seeks To Shape Walker Recall Contest
Catholic Leadership Splinters Over Obama Birth Control Compromise
Santorum Releases Tax Returns
Montana Supreme Court Collides With U.S. Supreme Court Over Citizens United
