Oh my God.
Pending a physical, journeyman relief pitcher and personal performance icon Kyle Farnsworth has agreed to a two-year, $9.25 million dollar contract with the Kansas City Royals. It is a deal that helps nobody, really. Unless you count us.
Step aside, respected bloggers. We got this. Tonight's Dugout is after the jump. Deep breath.
The Dugout
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IlitchKing: David! How are our talks with Smoltz going? |
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IceColdBrowskis: Very well, sir. He has matured somewhat during the 21 years since we traded him and I think he's ready to pitch on "the big stage." |
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IlitchKing: Excellent. And the Sheffield talks? |
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IceColdBrowskis: We have our minor league hopefuls lined up and kicking him in the dick on regularly scheduled daily intervals, sir. |
| **Online Host** pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth has entered the chatroom on his cell phone. |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: it has been great talken with you, the mets, i will talk toward you later /hangs up phone |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: its the moment you'rve all been waiten for, the dandy highwayman kyle farnsworth has arrived to talk contracs, and lots of it |
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IlitchKing: Dombrowski, who is this man? |
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IceColdBrowskis: Kyle Farnsworth, sir. One of your run allowers from sector 7G. |
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IlitchKing: Relief pitcher, eh? Why, in Macedonia we would've had him garroted and cucking stool'd for his insolence! |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: macedonia ohio blargh that place is a hole they have like the sh***iest office max of all times |
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IceColdBrowskis: Kyle, you can't talk to the owner of the Detroit Tigers that way. |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: whoa i dident know franky valley ownt the tigers |
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IceColdBrowskis: What made you think the Tigers would want to resign you? Was it your 6.75 ERA? |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: i dunno your the ones who traded for me twice you want me to go pitch for oaklan for a while until you miss me |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: the ghastly blockhead in the team coat said he wanted to f*** stool me maybe you should inquire within |
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IlitchKing: Get him out of here! Security! |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: u know what it is DETROIT what is the hole!! i would rather play for macedonia, hell i would rather play for the minnesota twinsburgs |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: /takes plate of Crazy Bread from Ilitch's desk, stuffs as much in mouth as possible |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: /drinks cup of marinara sauce, grabs crotch |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: detroit can suck it no the entirety of michigan can suck it, the wolferines went 3-9 an loss to the boiler makers an somethin called a "ute," vladimir konstantinov is a coma retard, an the funniest man to will his way out of this bisected turdberg is joey f***en gladstone |
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IceColdBrowskis: Cut it out! |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: no YOU are the one who will be cutten it out i'm outta here, there aint a worse place to play on gods green name than detroit |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: you here that |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: there is no place i can think of that would be worst than this, hahahah |
| **Online Host** The next day |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: are you f***ing kidding me |
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TreyHillMix: heh, great to have you on board, Kyle! Let me give you the "Royal" introduction! |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: is bo jackson still on this team |
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TreyHillMix: No, but you'll be fighting for a spot on the roster beside up-and-coming pitchers like "Shake!" |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: is he a clown |
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TreyHillMix: No... you know how Daisuke Matsuzaka hit it big and gave baseball a case of the "Yellow Fever?" |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: yes, racist |
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TreyHillMix: Kyle, this is Yasuhiko Yabuta! He went 1-3! He's awesome! Yabuta, this is Kyle Lynn Farnsworth, he's joining our ball club next season. |
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ShakeYabuta: Ni hao, Kyle Lynn! |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: is bret saberhagen still on this team, and if so can i use him to cut this guy |
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TreyHillMix: Ooh, if you're a Royals historian you'll want to meet Mark Teahen! He's the George Brett of his generation! |
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TeahenCrumpets: I can't hit like George, and I can't field like George, and I don't have any of George's passion or leadership. |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: then what makes you this generations george brett |
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TeahenCrumpets: I play for the Royals and can't stop crapping my pants. |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: cool hey does anybody on this team have a hand gun |
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KilaTofu: Ha, don't let them get to you, man. The guys on this team can be pretty weird, but they're nice once you get to know them. |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: your screen name is a reference to the show doug, that is pretty funnie |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: you seem like a joe six-pac, tell me friend, what is your name |
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KilaTofu: Kila Ka'aihue |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: what, do you wanna sing that song from national lampoons christmas vacation |
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KilaTofu: no, my name is Kila Ka'aihue |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: wait do you have a normal name like "bill" but your deaf so you type all stupid |
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KilaTofu: /glares |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: does frank white still play for this team, or did he get spanked right for setten traps |
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cuss_word: These kids with their crazy names! Am I right? |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: lol you are correct sir! i love your screen name does it stand for ass or balls or is it suggestive of your assumetly pedestrian name |
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cuss_word: Hi, I'm Rusty Kuntz! |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: / |
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cuss_word: heh heh, it's just a nickname, kid. M'given name is "Corroded Vagina." |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: do you think you could trade me to a worse team |
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TreyHillMix: I don't know, I could trade you to the Nationals, but why would you want to go there? |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: at least the nats have buildens around their stadium youse guys play in a f***en meadow |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: but no my only operational theory is that i've somehow stumbult into a quantem leap scenario |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: i keep getten put on worse and worse teams, like i pitch for the royals an at the end of the year they send me down to the minors |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: and down i go from aaa to aa to a an then to some independent league team with a name like the "rollerbladez" or the "thrashing otters" until i'm traded to a team of travelen hoboes |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: eventually i die an am placed on a team in hell with hitler an all my ex-girlfriends until they trade me an i gotta pitch for a team a still-born maggots |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: then i start hoppen dimensions |
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TreyHillMix: We're rebuilding, Kyle! But hey, Mario Lisson hit .225 in double-A last season, that's gonna be a big bat for our lineup! |
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TeahenCrumpets: We're shooting for third next year! |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: no i just... uh i dont feel so good /blinks somethen aint right /head begins to shake, voice deepens |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: y e s t h i r d d d d... i m h e r e t o h e l p y o u g e t i n t o h e h h e h h e h |
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TreyHillMix: You all right, guy? |
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TeahenCrumpets: /craps pants |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: /shakes out cobwebs hey is anybody else seeing a giant naked blue guy |
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TreyHillMix: a... a what? |
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PECOTA: SUP~! |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: oh boy, you again last time i hung out with you i got ate by a old man vampire an got tossed out a heaven by some fat wifebeater |
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TreyHillMix: /looks around who're you talking to? |
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PECOTA: THEY CANNOT SEE ME, FOR I HAVE FOE'D THEM! IN THE INTEREST OF PRIVACY! |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: sorry trey hey did you know bill pecota foe'd you because he hates you, i'm talken to him right now |
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PECOTA: NO DON'T TELL HIM |
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TreyHillMix: He did?? Pecota! The hell, man! |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: hes sayen hes gay now, i dont know why hes tellen this to me |
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PECOTA: NO I'M NOT |
| **Online Host** PECOTA has set his privacy preferences to "Public." |
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PECOTA: NO! i'M NOT! |
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TreyHillMix: AAAAAAAAH |
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TeahenCrumpets: /craps pants |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: looooool |
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PECOTA: ENOUGH!!!! ! /engulfs room in blue energy |
| **Online Host** PECOTA and pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth have left the chatroom. |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: gakk... /clutches throat, stumbles down hill |
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PECOTA: OH! SORRY! /waves hand |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: gassssssp you immense smurf what the hell are you tryen to do, kill me, you coula- |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: /looks around |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: holy sh** i'm on mars |
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