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Jon, NIck, and I once had a discussion about who the scariest man imaginable would be. What we came up with is that he'd be really tall, he'd be really fast, and I think we decided he'd have sharp teeth. And he'd always be trying to get you. Something tells me that when Randy Johnson is walking the streets alone, he picks up a dangerous velocity. One you have to measure with a radar gun. Eesh.Despite his Brettfavrian tendency to say he's done, the Big Euphemism has agreed to play another year for the Giants, and it couldn't be more appropriate.
Enjoy this tale of the scariest man imaginable. This afternoon's Dugout is after the jump.
The Dugout
| **Online Host** Welcome to the Oakland Athletics Chatroom! |
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BeanesTalk: /does whatever it is people do in the Athletics Front Office /leaves people on base |
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Jack: excuse me, sir, could I speak with you for a moment? |
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BeanesTalk: Of course... saaay, we don't take kindly to those hats in these parts! Heh! |
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Jack: Oh I'm sorry sir /takes off hat, holds it against chest please don't be sore |
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BeanesTalk: No, no, I'm not that Billy Bean, I'm the other one. What can I do for you? |
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Jack: Well, y'see sir, my organization hurtin' for pitchin' help, and muh big brother Tim Lincecum's working his fingers to the bone to support us! |
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Jack: Maw sent me out with our last eight million dollars an I'm spost t'come back with a pitcher, but I don't know where to find one! |
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Jack: I walked all the way here from San Francisco an I'd be awful grateful if you'n help me out! |
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BeanesTalk: If you'd come to me a few years ago I could've helped, but I'm all out of pitchers myself! Unless you're interested in, like, Gio Gonzalez |
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Jack: Interested in'im? I don't even know how to pronounce his name! |
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BeanesTalk: I don't know how to say his name either, but "Guy-O" is the funnier pronunciation, so I mean |
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BeanesTalk: You seem like a nice guy, Jack, so here's what I'm going to do... instead of giving you a lousy pitcher, I'm going to give you this sack of magic beans! And it'll only cost you... oh, let's say, eight million dollars? |
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Jack: oh awesome I have just enough |
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BeanesTalk: If you plant these magic beans, a laborous parody of "Jack and the Beanstalk" will continue until you've found a pitcher! |
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Jack: weeee that sounds like fun! /scampers off |
| **Online Host** Jack has left the chatroom. |
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BeanesTalk: Now, to use this eight million dollars! Heh heh... |
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BeanesTalk: /walks onto field |
| **Online Host** Several days later, high above the San Francisco Giants Chatroom... |
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Jack: /hides beneath enormous chair |
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BigJohnson: /stomps around |
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Jack: Hm, if I could just fetch the monster's goose... I could harvest its golden eggs, we'd have enough money to save the franchise! |
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Jack: why, in a hundred years or so we could even sign C.C. Sabathia! |
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GoldenGoose: sqwaaaaaakkk |
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BigJohnson: FEE-FI-FO-FUM! I SMELL THE BLOOD OF A- .... UH.... A GUY FROM... /sniff sniff Milwaukee? |
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Jack: wow, he's good |
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BigJohnson: /scrunches nose Yech, all I'm smelling is my moustache, that's abysmal. What the hell was I drinking? I need to wash my face, blergh |
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BigJohnson: FO-FI-FUM-FEH- /tears quad |
| **Online Host** Tiny Jack has come face to face with the hideous monster. |
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Jack: uh... heh, hi |
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BigJohnson: hello |
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BigJohnson: say, you wouldn't happen to be from a baseball team, would you |
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Jack: Sure am! I'm here from San Francisco! |
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BigJohnson: You wouldn't need an enormous 45 year old man for small stints during the regular season, would you? You could tell people that I make you a "playoff contender." |
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Jack: There aren't a lot of things the Giants DON'T need! |
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BigJohnson: how much are you going to pay me |
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Jack: eight million dollars worth of beans |
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BigJohnson: woo hoo |
| **Online Host** Meanwhile, in the Things The Giants Don't Need Chatroom! |
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GoldBonds: so what ezactly are you tellin me here |
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LittlePig: I'm not gonna let you in! Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin! |
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GoldBonds: you aint got no hair on ya chin you damn pig let me into your house |
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LittlePig: /shuts door |
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GoldBonds: thats it, im gonna huff and puff an bust your house up |
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GoldBonds: /takes deep breath /holds it for a moment |
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GoldBonds: /exhales normally |
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GoldBonds: /sits down for a minute to catch breath /makes "call me" gesture |
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