Don't believe me? Read the headline, chumps!

Here's the formidable Opening Night talent roster: studio hosts Greg Amsinger, Victor Rojas and Matt Vasgersian, reporters Trenni Kusnierek and Hazel Mae, insider Jon Heyman and studio analysts Barry Larkin, Al Leiter, Joe Magrane, Dan Plesac, Harold Reynolds and Mitch Williams.

Yep. Jon Heyman. If you're not familiar with Mr. Heyman, this should fill you in.

This afternoon's Dugout is after the jump.

The Dugout

	OnlineHost Welcome to MLB Network Chat!
	IttyBittyPetittiCommittee: Guys, I'm overjoyed to have you all on board. This is our first ever broadcast, so let's make it great!
	IttyBittyPetittiCommittee: and...WE'RE LIVE!
	OnlineHost A Bon Jovi, Three Doors Down, or Mellencamp song plays over a montage of baseball players sliding or diving into things.
	YourMotherSmeltOfLarkinBarrys: Welcome to the live debut of the MLB Network! I'm Barry Larkin. Joining me in the studio are Jon Heyman and Harold Reynolds.
	TheAncientMariner: harol reynol!
	YourMotherSmeltOfLarkinBarrys: Let's kick things off with some good old-fashioned analysis. First up: which teams are on their way up, and which are going back to the drawing board in 2009?
	YourMotherSmeltOfLarkinBarrys: It's hard to observe the Yankees' offseason acquisitions and not call them the favorite in the American League this year. They've added CC Sabathia, Mark Teixeira, and A.J. Burnett to a roster that, in all honesty, was already primed for a playoff run.
	HeymanNiceShot: No chance the Yankees will win. None.
	YourMotherSmeltOfLarkinBarrys: Why's that, Jon?
	HeymanNiceShot: It's proven that money can't buy championships.
	YourMotherSmeltOfLarkinBarrys: Fair enough, but it certainly helps, right? I mean, here you have
	HeymanNiceShot: /closes eyes, shakes head, slowly waves around palms dismissively
	HeymanNiceShot: Sure. They've got superstars. They've got guys who put up the numbers.
	HeymanNiceShot: But it's all about wanting to win. It's about hustle and grit. You have to want to win.
	YourMotherSmeltOfLarkinBarrys: Do you really think the Yankees don't want to win?
	HeymanNiceShot: It's all about CHEMISTRY.
	YourMotherSmeltOfLarkinBarrys: Chemistry is certainly important. But I think we should be careful about investing too much into things that aren't tangible.
	HeymanNiceShot: Team chemistry is tangible! It's such a tangible! I've held it in my hand!
	YourMotherSmeltOfLarkinBarrys: You have?
	HeymanNiceShot: yeah but then my mom was doing laundry and she opened my bedroom door and wow that was embarrassing
	HeymanNiceShot: /bites knuckles
	TheAncientMariner: harol reynol!
	YourMotherSmeltOfLarkinBarrys: Moving on then. Who are your picks for MVP?
	HeymanNiceShot: In the National League, Pujols is the favorite.
	YourMotherSmeltOfLarkinBarrys: Oh yeah.
	HeymanNiceShot: However,
	YourMotherSmeltOfLarkinBarrys: oh no
	HeymanNiceShot: A true Most Valuable Player needs to carry his team to the playoffs.
	YourMotherSmeltOfLarkinBarrys: Have to disagree with you there. You can't allow a guy's teammates' performance to serve as any indicator of his value.
	HeymanNiceShot: durp durp durp i'm barry larkin
	HeymanNiceShot: i use multiple syllables! look at me! metamorphosis! metamorphosis! metamorphosis! metamorphosis! metamorphosis!
	HeymanNiceShot: i look like the o.j. cover photo that time magazine decided against! durrrr /flails arms around
	YourMotherSmeltOfLarkinBarrys: ...
	TheAncientMariner: harol reynol
	YourMotherSmeltOfLarkinBarrys: But seriously. Let's say you have two hundred-dollar bills. You put one of them in an empty pack of cigarettes. You put the other one in a solid-gold Egyptian sarcophagus. Which hundred-dollar bill is more valuable?
	HeymanNiceShot: David Wright!
	YourMotherSmeltOfLarkinBarrys: godddddd
	YourMotherSmeltOfLarkinBarrys:All right, all right. Next question. /looks at cue card Who
	YourMotherSmeltOfLarkinBarrys:oh no Who /looks up at producer
	IttyBittyPetittiCommittee: /enthusiastic thumbs-up
	YourMotherSmeltOfLarkinBarrys:Who do you think will post the highest VORP this year?
	HeymanNiceShot: Ha! VORP! Ha! Let me tell you something about VORP! Isn't that something that Star Wars shoot out of their light savers?
	HeymanNiceShot: I vote for Captain James T. Startrek!
	YourMotherSmeltOfLarkinBarrys:Well, I mean if you look at the numbers--
	HeymanNiceShot: Hey, why was six afraid of seven?
	HeymanNiceShot: Because numbers are terrifying!
	YourMotherSmeltOfLarkinBarrys:guh
	IttyBittyPetittiCommittee: and...cut to break!
	IttyBittyPetittiCommittee: You guys are knocking it out of the park! Episode Number One is turning out great!
	HeymanNiceShot: /head explodes
	HeymanNiceShot: /new head pokes self out of neck hole
	HeymanNiceShot: Jason Bartlett is the greatest player who has ever lived!
	TheAncientMariner: HAROLreynol