In a story that was custom built for some old-school sports blogging, Barkley reportedly told police that he was driving drunk because he was seeking to score some fellatio from a young lady.
According to the officer who wrote the report, "He told me that he ran the stop sign because he was in a hurry to pick up the girl I saw get in the passenger seat."But wait! There's more! According to the report, Barkley not only was looking for oral sex, but he also had a handgun, which has somehow become the least discussed portion of this story.
The officer continues: "He asked me to admit that she was 'hot.' He asked me, 'You want the truth?' When I told him I did he said, 'I was gonna drive around the corner and get a b**w job. He then explained that she had given him a 'b**w job' one week earlier and said it was the best one he had ever had in his life."
And, in simply amazing Tommy Boy fashion, Barkley allegedly extended the offer to "tattoo my name on your ass" towards a civilian police employee at the police station if he could sneak out of the DUI, which he quickly (I suppose) corrected. In other words, yes, this should do wonders for his 2014 gubernatorial run.
Life of Sir Charles' Barkley
Retired NBA star Charles Barkley's career has been chock-full of colorful moments. Click through to see more classic "Sir Charles" memories.
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Barkley recently said that NBA superstar LeBron James, left, should just "shut the hell up" about possible free agency options in 2010. James responded, "He's stupid. That's all I've got to say about that."
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To one lucky student, "Sir Charles" was more like "Saint Charles." During a visit to an Italian restaurant last summer, Barkley struck up a friendship with a 28-year-old busboy named Christian Abate and offered to pay his tuition so he could finish college. "He's a nice kid," Barkley said. "He was working with kids, I loved that he wanted to be a teacher, and I wanted to help him."
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Politics? Why not? Barkley told CNN in October he plans to run for Governor of Alabama in 2014. Asked if he was serious, Barkley responded, "I am, I can't screw up Alabama."
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On the court, Barkley was frequently fined for fights with other players. In 1990, Barkley and Bill Laimbeer were each fined $20,000 (a record amount for the NBA at the time) for a fracas during a playoff game.
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While Barkley was beloved by fans, he gained fame for his anti-role model stance. "A million guys can dunk a basketball in jail; should they be role models?" Barkley said in 1993, which launched his famous "I am not a role model" Nike ad campaign.
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As a player, the fiery Barkley had a few run-ins with the law. He was once arrested for breaking a man's nose during a fight after a game with the Bucks, and he once famously threw a man through a plate-glass window after being hit with a glass of ice at a bar.
Orange County Sheriff's Office / AP
After retiring as a player, Barkley joined TNT's 'Inside the NBA,' where he has become the "butt" of many a joke. Literally. In one skit, Barkley was forced to kiss a donkey's posterior after losing a bet with Kenny Smith.
YouTube
During the 2007 All-Star Weekend in Las Vegas, Barkley took part in a memorable foot race against 67-year-old referee Dick Bavetta. Barkley won the race, while Bavetta dove at the finish line and wound up bloodying his knee.
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In May, Barkley made headlines after a Las Vegas district attorney said he could face criminal charges if he didn't repay a $400,000 debt owed to the Wynn casino. Sir Charles has since repaid the debt and stated he will quit gambling in the future.
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