LudwickVanBeethoven: all right, we're going to the super bowl

does anybody know how to play football

BrokenAnkiel: Vaguely. I mean, I'm sure we all have at least a casual understanding of the sport.

BLooper: jon Elway,

PujolJunkie: yeah but who knows e'specifics

defensive schemes and e'like

LudwickVanBeethoven: Um

Well, there's something called a "zone defense," right? That's a thing, isn't it?

BrokenAnkiel: I'm pretty sure that "zone defense" means you're defending an area of the field, rather than going man-to-man with an opposing receiver or what have you.

LudwickVanBeethoven: So the other one is man-to-man. Are those the only two kinds?

BLooper: Hines Wad

BrokenAnkiel: I don't know. There have to be other types, but I don't know what they are, so let's roll with it.

LudwickVanBeethoven: So what defensive plays do we know?

BrokenAnkiel: I know "Prevent" and "Cornerback Blitz," those are in Madden

LudwickVanBeethoven: All right, we'll just take turns running those plays every other down.

PujolJunkie: but wait what about e'dime and nickel packages

BrokenAnkiel: Oh right. Well I think a nickel package is when you have five guys in the secondary, hence the name

LudwickVanBeethoven: So a dime package means that there are ten guys in the secondary? Is that really right?

BrokenAnkiel: Has to be, right? Why else would they call it a dime package?

BLooper: ART MORNK

LudwickVanBeethoven: Fine. The dime package seems like a good idea.

PujolJunkie: unless they run e'ball

LudwickVanBeethoven: ...

F***!

BrokenAnkiel: stupid ass sport

i hate this game, it's just rock-paper-scissors with concussions

LudwickVanBeethoven: Maybe we shouldn't even worry about defense, just put some guys out there and have them play man-to-man and zone at the same time.

Now, onto offense.

BLooper: Steve yorng;

BrokenAnkiel: Offense seems easy. You either run or pass.

LudwickVanBeethoven: But you have to do it without getting a "holding" call.

BrokenAnkiel: Now, what's a holding call? Whenever I watch a game there are like five holding calls, but I don't know what they are.

LudwickVanBeethoven: I think there's, like, a "holding box," which is the area in the backfield behind the linemen. And if you stand there too long or something, you

PujolJunkie: i think that's baske'ball

BrokenAnkiel: Ah yeah, I think you're right. Maybe it's holding if you, like, you

BrokenAnkiel: /extends arms, flails them around slowly

BrokenAnkiel: like, you

/segues into another meaningless gesture

BrokenAnkiel: and when you're in the pocket, and when, and then you

LudwickVanBeethoven: and there's, like, if you tackle the guy, and

BrokenAnkiel: Yeah, yeah, that's what it is

BLooper: RANDY MASS

LudwickVanBeethoven: Yeah, we'll go with that.

So answer this: why do teams always have these huge offensive playbooks?

LudwickVanBeethoven: I mean, your goal is always to score a touchdown, right? So why not just send all your guys running down the field on every play, and heave the ball to them?

BrokenAnkiel: Good question. I don't know why they ever attempt short passes to begin with, maybe they're just trying to be artsy or something.

LudwickVanBeethoven: I have the same question about blitzes. Why not just blitz on every play?

BrokenAnkiel: Then it's settled. Blitzes and long bombs, that's all we're doing.

LaRussasOnFire: What are you guys talking about?

PujolJunkie: e'vising football strateg'e

LaRussasOnFire: You know there's a football team called the Cardinals, right?

BrokenAnkiel: oh

oh right

LaRussasOnFire: Yeah, it's also the name of a bird.

LudwickVanBeethoven: /smacks forehead

LaRussasOnFire: By the way, congrats for beating Pittsburgh on Saturday!

BrokenAnkiel: /head explodes

BLooper: JORN WOODEN