It's the middle of the night on a Friday. The week in sports has included an Olympian cast into exile because of drugs, Kobe Bryant scoring 650 points in a single game, and the Super Bowl. Nobody's reading The Dugout. Nobody's reading mlb.fanhouse.com. The only baseball news is "team wants players, might talk about it."

To persevere during these dark times, I have replaced Tonight's Dugout with a new feature we call "MLB.Com Headline Theatre," where we skim the slash-news section, find an awkwardly-worded article title (which is easy, because they are all awkward), and act it out dramatically.

Tonight's feature: High hopes for Bucs' new-look bench.

The Dugout

	Online Host Welcome to the Sixsburgh Pirates Chatroom!
	god_doumit: I'm sorry it just doesn't work for us, we haven't won six championships, we've won five
	god_doumit: and the last thing we want to do is encourage people to pronounce it "Picksburgh"
	SurfNazisMossDie: what are we supposed to call ourselves, the "Pittsburgh Five-rates?
	god_doumit: why are we naming ourselves anything, the only time we show up in these chats is when there's a new pirate movie
	RhinoGorzelanny: What if we name our town like they do in Earthbound?
	SurfNazisMossDie: oh snap that's a great idea what was the five town
	RhinoGorzelanny: /counts on fingers Onett, Twoson, Threed, Fourside... uh...
	SurfNazisMossDie: uh oh was there not a five town
	RhinoGorzelanny: we could call ourselves the Happy Happy Village Pirates
	god_doumit: argh, dammit /stands up, rubs butt look at this bench

	god_doumit: I can't sit on this thing anymore... hell, I can't even look at it, what an unsatisfactory bench
	SurfNazisMossDie: Yeah I wish management would do something about this bench
	Online Host The sparkly doors on the box containing the head of Neal Huntington have swung open.
	NealBeforeZod: Wish? Did somebody say wish?
	god_doumit: Mr. Huntington!
	NealBeforeZod: Gary! Where are you! I thought I hired you to coach this bench!
	YouGottaVarshoAss: here I am, boss! /stumbles into room dressed as a Halloween pirate
	NealBeforeZod: Gary! What are you doing!
	YouGottaVarshoAss: S-s-sorry! Me an' Romulo Sanchez were acting out scenes from Cutthroat Island! We were gonna submit it to Selig and try to get featured in a chat!
	NealBeforeZod: Gary! What is that on your shoulder!
	YouGottaVarshoAss: Muh parrot! Romulo's looks better, I admit, Romulo's is a bird-of-prey!
	NealBeforeZod: Gary! What's the deal with this bench!

	YouGottaVarshoAss: I... what? Oh no, are you guys rubbing your asses again?
	god_doumit: sorry gare /rubs ass again
	NealBeforeZod: The Five Championshipsburgh Pirates are my number one priority, and you'll be happy to know that as your inconsistent mystical genie I have slowy but surely built a bench for my team.
	NealBeforeZod: I trust you will have high hopes for this new-look bench!

	RhinoGorzelanny: whoaaa
	god_doumit: /takes a look at bench /rubs eyes /takes new-look at bench
	SurfNazisMossDie: you've turned our dugout into an awesome mexican restaurant!!
	YouGottaVarshoAss: Wow, if folks see me coaching that bench next season they're sure to promote me to coach of the bat racks!
	YouGottaVarshoAss: The sky's the limit, Gary! Maybe they'll make you... hitting coach!
	DonLongSilver: /makes controversial throat-slitting gesture
	YouGottaVarshoAss: eep
	NealBeforeZod: Gary! Go finish your bullsh** skit! It's just copy/pasting dialogue from the IMDB anyway!
	YouGottaVarshoAss: /puts foil sword on shoulder, shuffles out of chatroom
	SurfNazisMossDie: what are the symbols on the new-look bench?
	god_doumit: The one in the middle kinda looks like Falco from Starfox
	NealBeforeZod: The image on the left is a chimera, representing the 20 men I've added to the roster to improve our bullpen.
	NealBeforeZod: The image on the right is the coctrice, representing the 20 men I've added to the roster to sit on the new-look bench.
	god_doumit: And in the middle?
	NealBeforeZod: That is a griffin, to represent the one game we might win with a 40-man roster full of relievers and benchwarmers.
	god_doumit: oh god doumit
	RhinoGorzelanny: upon further reflection, how about the "Deep Darkness Pirates"
	SurfNazisMossDie: yeah that sounds about right

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The Dugout: MLB.Com Headline Theatre

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Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

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