Last year I attended the infamous "Wrestle FanFest" in San Francisco and somehow found a way to enjoy a warehouse full of crippled old men (and Nick Bockwinkel) peddling poorly stitched Mexican wrestling masks and printed out 8 x 10s of their glory days for ten dollars a pop. Even having done that, I could not stomach something called the "Marlins FanFest," even if I got to meet the players. If I wanted to hang out with a bunch of dirt poor 19 year-olds I'd go to community college.But, well, Alex Rodriguez can't do steroids EVERY day, so here is a Dugout about the Marlins FanFest.
The Dugout
| **Online Host** Welcome to the Florida Marlins FanFest 2009 Chatroom! |
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SuperDave: But to more succinctly answer your question, before I came to Florida I had a beautiful, flowing mane of hair that made me really great at being the President of a baseball club. |
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SuperDave: Unfortunately, a mishap involving a pair of scissors and a distrustful ex left me the shorn, ineffectual d-bag you see here today. Next question. |
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SuperDave: Yes, you. |
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Reporter: Are there any chances of the 37,000-seat retractable-roof park at the Orange Bowl being built this season? |
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SuperDave: This will mark the sixth straight year that I've been in front of you, telling you that this is the year that we will get the ballpark, |
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SuperDave: Last year I convinced you that the stadium wouldn't be physical, but would be a metaphor constructed mentally by the hopes and dreams of Florida's children. |
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SuperDave: Before that I tried to pass off a model photographed from far away as the new stadium, and before that I was just lying my ass off |
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SuperDave: But no, this year we are absolutely getting the new stadium. Swear to God*. |
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SuperDave: (*next week we are voting on whether or not to break ground, and then we vote whether to throw our materials into the giant hole we've just created or build the stadium elsewhere) |
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SuperDave: Next question! |
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Reporter: Are the Marlins interested in free agent catcher Ivan Rodriguez? |
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SuperDave: We need to look at our own inventory, versus some of the free agents. |
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SuperDave: The player has to make perfect sense. Is he a positive in the clubhouse, and working with our pitchers? All of these things have to make sense to us. |
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SuperDave: If there is something that's a fit, it's something we'll look at. Cost, ultimately, will be key. Mr. Loria has assured me that we would sign Pudge at the right price. |
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Reporter: and what would that price be |
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SuperDave: zero dollars a year, with incentive bonuses like handshakes and lunch |
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SuperDave: Next question. |
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Reporter: Yes, I was wondering why the Marlins are never featured in Official Major League Baseball Chats. |
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SuperDave: After the 2007 season, coinciding coincidentally with when we traded away our brain, the Marlins organization traded pitcher Dontrelle Willis. |
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SuperDave: Willis' funky demeanor and mad rhymes were a fan favorite. We recognize that colorful characters and situations are important to entertaining chats. |
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SuperDave: That's why the Marlins have acquired an established, popular Dugout character in relief pitcher Scott Proctor! |
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DoctorProctor: Look at me, everybody! I used to talk to Kyle Farnsworth a lot! |
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Reporter: Scott Proctor? Since when has Scott Proctor been "popular" with ANYONE |
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DoctorProctor: Heyy! I'm on the Wikipedia page! |
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Reporter: as a footnote |
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SuperDave: In today's earmarked, pork-barrel economy it's important to sign players who will play baseball in the blistering sun in a football stadium for little-to-no money. |
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SuperDave: But think of all the crazy situations you'll share with this loveable comedy veteran! |
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SuperDave: Uh oh! The boss is coming over for dinner and Scott needs a clean shirt, but his wife hasn't done laundry yet! Mama mia! Now he'll have to do it! |
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SuperDave: Catch all the laughs in tonight's Dugout, after the jump! Next question. |
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Reporter: Scott Proctor? Seriously? |
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SuperDave: Well uh, heh, I assure you that... |
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SuperDave: ..uhhhh... /tugs collar |
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fLORIdA: /gets up from under table Look bitch, I want you to take a direct look into the center of my ass. |
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Reporter: buhhh what |
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fLORIdA: Watch closely, I'm going to pull a full-grown Venezuelan out of my ass. /reaches into own ass |
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fLORIdA: Boom, Renyel Pinto, right there, right out of my ass. What's that? You want a Kyle Farnsworth? How about a Kyle Farnsworth who is even WORSE at pitching |
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fLORIdA: /pulls lanky white redneck out of ass Burke Badenhop. |
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fLORIdA: Eulogio De La Cruz, Rick VandenHurk... watch this, I'm going to just type a bunch of letters... Logglobo Vlandignorf. BOOM, THERE'S OUR CLOSER. |
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fLORIdA: you look at those clumps of a lower-level of turd melting in the Miami sun and tell me Scott F***ing Proctor isn't a blockbuster signing |
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fLORIdA: We might as well have signed Sandy Fri**en Koufax, you dumb bitch |
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Reporter: please... please stop throwing feces at me |
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fLORIdA: BY THE WAY, Y'AIN'T GETTING A STADIUM, NEXT YEAR WE'RE PLAYING IN THE AMERICAN AIRLINES ARENA |
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fLORIdA: SUCK IT, RUBES, THIS FANFEST IS OVER /turns firehose on the crowd |
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