Jeff Reed Will Not Tolerate Empty Paper Towel Machines

Jeff Reed is Wooderson. He's the guy who graduates from high school but never leaves, cruising around in his '70 Chevelle Super Sport perpetually on the lookout for keggers and girls. It's quite the existence.

But instead of Reed's life playing out in a small Texas town, he's in Pittsburgh, in the role of the Steelers' enigmatic kicker. Or, if it's early Saturday morning, New Alexandria, PA, in the role of disgruntled gas station patron. (Thankfully, there were no incriminating cell phone photos.)

...Reed was cited with criminal mischief and disorderly conduct after throwing a tantrum over an empty paper towel machine at a Westmoreland County convenience store.

Reed, 29, went in to the men's restroom at Sheetz on U.S. Route 22 in New Alexandria borough shortly before 3 a.m. After discovering that the paper towel dispenser in the bathroom was empty, Reed started loudly banging from inside the bathroom, state police said. He damaged the towel dispenser.

When Reed left the bathroom, he spoke to a Sheetz employee using loud and profane language. He continued to use profane language outside the store, police said.

Hey, the guy wants to wash his hands in a convenience store bathroom. Is that asking too much?

There's still the issue of what Reed was doing in New Alexandria, a town of roughly 600 people some 30 miles east of Pittsburgh. My theory (brought to my attention by Gretz): he was looking into an investment opportunity in the area*. Because, really, if anybody should be running a drive-thru strip club, it's Skippy.

* Complete fabrication -- but totally believable if true.

Super Bowl XLIII

Ben Gets Stopped Short: Pittsburgh takes the opening kickoff and drives deep into Arizona territory. On a third-and-goal, Ben Roethlisberger appears to score a touchdown but, after a Cardinals challenge, the play is overturned. The Steelers wind up with a field goal and a 3-0 lead.

Mark J. Terrill, AP

Gary Russell Finds the End Zone: Russell bumps the Pittsburgh lead to 10-0 early in the second quarter, plunging in from one yard out.

Timothy A. Clary, AFP/Getty Images

Cards Strike Back: Arizona quickly answers Russell's TD run, driving 83 yards in nine plays and capping that drive off with a Kurt Warner-to-Ben Patrick one-yard touchdown pass.

Chris Graythen, Getty Images

Harrison's Record-Breaking Interception: With Arizona setting up to take the lead before halftime. James Harrison swings the momentum back in Pittsburgh's favor. He intercepts a Kurt Warner pass and rumbles 100 yards for a touchdown on the longest play in Super Bowl history.

John Bazemore, AP

A Well-Deserved Rest: After outrunning the entire Arizona team, James Harrison sprawls out exhausted in the end zone, where he requires treatment from Pittsburgh's trainers before heading into the locker room with a 17-7 lead.

Al Bello, Getty Images

Padding the Lead: Steelers kicker Jeff Reed accounts for the only points of the third quarter with a short field goal that gave Pittsburgh a 20-7 lead.

John Bazemore, AP

Fitz's First Score: Larry Fitzgerald finds no room to maneuver for three quarters, but Arizona's superstar gets on track early in the third. His leaping touchdown grab pulls Arizona within six with less than eight minutes left.

Al Bello, Getty Images

Arizona's Defense Makes a Play: The collective collar of Steeler Nation tightens even further with 2:58 to play, as a holding call on Pittsburgh results in a safety, making the score 20-16 and giving the Cards the ball back.

Hans Deryk, Reuters

Larry Gets Loose Again: Arizona storms into a stunning lead late in the fourth quarter, with Larry Fitzgerald catching a pass over the middle and going 64 yards to pay dirt.

Al Bello, Getty Images

Santonio Saves the Day: Trailing for the first time all game, Pittsburgh drives the length of the field in the final moments. Ben Roethlisberger caps the heroic march with an incredible TD pass to Santonio Holmes, who keeps his feet inbounds, and locks up the MVP.

Brian Snyder, Reuters