**OnlineHost** Welcome to Mariners General Manager Jack Zduriencik's Apartment Chat!

Zdurien[sic]: Well, here we are! My humble abode!

YourWordsBeltreYou: i wonder what all my world baseball classic friends are up to now

Zdurien[sic]: Heh! Yeah, well, sorry about all that. I just figured, y'know, we could hang out for the weekend. Just a couple o' dudes, chillin' out!

YourWordsBeltreYou: it would have been really nice to be able to represent my country on an international stage

YourWordsBeltreYou: but yeah, mario kart sounds like fun

Zdurien[sic]: Great idea! I have two controllers!

Well actually, one of the controllers isn't working. You want to take turns racing each other in ghost mode?

YourWordsBeltreYou: yyyno

dude, there are fruit flies all over the place

Zdurien[sic]: Hey, are you hungry?

YourWordsBeltreYou: actually could i use your bathroom

Zdurien[sic]: Sure! Just down the hall there. You'll have to walk around the boxes.

YourWordsBeltreYou: oh, did you just move

Zdurien[sic]: Two years ago, yeah. I'll get to work on dinner!

YourWordsBeltreYou: uh all right

/closes bathroom door

YourWordsBeltreYou: HEY

HEY DO YOU HAVE ANY TOILET PAPER

Zdurien[sic]: Yeah, I just went shopping! It should be in that plastic bag underneath the sink!

YourWordsBeltreYou: THANKS

/opens plastic bag, finds used toilet paper and hair clippings

ggguuuggghghgh

YourWordsBeltreYou: /promptly exits bathroom

just remembered that i don't have to go to the bathroom anymore

Zdurien[sic]: No worries. Dinner's just about ready!

/places expired pork shoulder in George Foreman grill

Zdurien[sic]: I've kind of gotten interested in cooking lately.

/pours liberal amount of salt and soy sauce on pork shoulder

Zdurien[sic]: Oh! I almost forgot the secret ingredient! You mind getting the ketchup out of the fridge?

YourWordsBeltreYou: sure

/opens fridge

/finds a swollen gallon of curdled, expired milk, randomly scattered rotten fish sticks, and a soiled sweatshirt

YourWordsBeltreYou: good god

Zdurien[sic]: Whoops! Heh, I guess that fridge needs cleaning. Heh.

Zdurien[sic]: /flips pork shoulders with soup ladel

Hey, I think these are just about done. Could you get a couple of plates out of the dishwasher?

YourWordsBeltreYou: uh all right

/opens dishwasher

/finds Jack Zduriencik's laundry

Zdurien[sic]: Oh! Look on the bottom rack.

YourWordsBeltreYou: /finds two plates, two butter knives, and a fork

Zdurien[sic]: You're the guest, so you get the fork.

YourWordsBeltreYou: thanks

YourWordsBeltreYou: you know what, i think i might just head out and grab some subway or something

Zdurien[sic]: That's no good! The carbs will kill you! I'm on sort of a "low-carb" kind of diet.

YourWordsBeltreYou: all right you know what, i'm just going to go to bed

Zdurien[sic]: Aw--aw really? I was thinking maybe we could watch some funny YouTube videos together!

You see the one where that kid talks in a really high pitched voice? You've got to see it. It's hilarious.

YourWordsBeltreYou: where should i sleep

Zdurien[sic]: awww

um, you can take the fold-out couch

YourWordsBeltreYou: yeah thanks

/folds out couch

/finds coagulated caking of Cheez-It crumbles and dead skin flakes

YourWordsBeltreYou: GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

Zdurien[sic]: Heh, what can I say? It's the typical "bachelor pad"!

YourWordsBeltreYou: f*** this, i'm sleeping in the car

**OnlineHost** Adrian Beltre has left the chat room.

Zdurien[sic]: sigh

/scoops pork shoulder onto upside-down-turned coffee can lid

Zdurien[sic]: /sits down at couch, pulls up coffee table (coffee table is actually a large wooden rope spool)

Zdurien[sic]: /attempts vainly to cut overcooked meat with butter knife

Zdurien[sic]: well serves him right if he doesn't know how to have a good time

Zdurien[sic]: i'm cool! i live like charles bukowski!

Zdurien[sic]: wait, didn't charles bukowski drink a lot

Zdurien[sic]: i'll have to swing by the store and pick up some mike's hard