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"Spring training is very important. It gives all the Dominican players time to learn how to say 'renegotiate' in English!" "lol /thrusts hips"Hopefully our only look at the AL West this year continues with the Oakland Athletics, a team so perplexing that they are simultaneously predicted to win the division and be removed from baseball completely. Their mascot is an elephant! What's the deal with that!
Today's Spring Training Dugout is after the jump.
The Dugout
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Oakami: Harumph, what's this I hear about hard economic times? /flips through yellowed, century-old newspaper |
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BeanesTalk: It's true. The Athletics won't be moving to Fremont because that UHaul "move for only 19.99!" ad campaign is a crock of sh** |
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BeanesTalk: Major League Baseball may even revist the concept of contraction. We would be an immediate candidate for that, even though it'd be like digging up Connie Mack's corpse and b-effing it. |
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Oakami: Absurdities! How are my stocks? |
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BeanesTalk: Trading lower than expected, but remaining steady. |
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Oakami: How are my Bonds? |
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BeanesTalk: No interest from all 30 teams. |
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Oakami: How have we shored the Athletics to weather this storm? |
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BeanesTalk: Sir, we feel that in the age of steroids and personal and professional infidelities, it would be in the best interest of the A's to keep a low profile and maintain the status quo. |
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BeanesTalk: We have systematically positioned ourselves as the most straight-forward, predictably put-together team in the AL West. |
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BeanesTalk: So much so that Baseball Prospectus has prospected that we will win the division without calling us or watching any of us play |
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Oakami: What a prospection! |
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BeanesTalk: Our participation in noncompetitive fantasy baseball is only the beginning of our long, arduous quest to the middle. |
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BeanesTalk: To be the team that everyone begrudgingly accepts as "their team," we need a player who is terrible, but gets credit for being good in a situationally importan but obscure.three-initial statistic. |
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OrlandoCalrissian: and here I thought you'd signed me in "error" ! |
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Oakami: haroo |
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BeanesTalk: Important to remember is that today's fan doesn't want complacency, they want a player who is great, but stupid enough to occasionally miss home plate completely. |
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RoamingHolliday: I can hit home runs when I'm not playing on a mountain! Honest! |
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Oakami: couldn't we have acquired Manny Ramirez instead? |
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BeanesTalk: hahahaha no sir, we don't even have enough money to buy the General Manager video game and acquire him there |
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BeanesTalk: The buzzword on everyones lips is "Steroids!" Steroids this, and steroids that! We need a player who is on steroids, but not good enough because of the steroids to draw attention to the team. |
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BeanesTalk: That's why we brought back local favorite Jason Giambi! |
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LongLiveGiambi: hey uhhh, sorry to disappoint you Mr. Beane, but I'm uh... not on steroids anymore |
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BeanesTalk: What? You're still fat like you're on steroids. |
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LongLiveGiambi: :( |
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Oakami: And tell me, what has become of young Frank Thomas? |
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BeanesTalk: He suddenly became 20 years older, and is currently in free agency. |
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BeanesTalk: But don't worry, we have someone who used to be good but is even more comically injury prone than "The Big Hurt." |
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Oakami: Ken Griffey Jr.? |
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BeanesTalk: Even more injury prone! |
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Oakami: Kerry Wood? |
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BeanesTalk: Less injury prone. |
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Oakami: Uh... Nomar Garciaparra? |
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BeanesTalk: /points to nose |
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Misnomar: Hey guys, what's going on in this chatroom |
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BeanesTalk: Not much, old friend! Show Mr. Wolff what you can do! /lobs baseball |
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Misnomar: /tears hamstring |
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Oakami: /claps hands excitedly |
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