An important thing to remember: when you read a news blog about an event or skim through the transcript of a player talking to a beat reporter, do not consider what you've learned canon until it has been expressed via the Official Online Chatroom of Major League Baseball. This is the only place in the known world to get accurate news. I logged on to CNN.com a minute ago and it was nothing but pictures of Lady Gaga's butt. TELL ME ABOUT THE SWINE FLU.

Swine flu is after the jump.

The Dugout

	Online Host Welcome to the Extra Baggs Beat Writer Exchange of Sports Guy Back-and-Forth Chatroom!
	WouldntItBeBaggarly: Did you speak to the team?
	GoldBonds: which team, the dodgers, no
	WouldntItBeBaggarly: No, uh, The Giants?
	GoldBonds: the giants, you say "the giants" to barry bonds like this is the same the giants he left in his dust oh so many yrs. ago
	GoldBonds: where is matt williams, where is willy clark, where is candy maldonado, i dont see maldonado nowhere
	GoldBonds: barry bonds has not been this upset at the lack of a maldonado since he tried to get a slice of pizza at the food court
	WouldntItBeBaggarly: What are you up to?
	GoldBonds: barry bonds is enjoying himself
	GoldBonds: he has invented a hand gesture that utilizes the thumb and pinkie digit to simulate a receiver off a phone
	GoldBonds: this alone would be enough to make the giants call barry bonds, but when coupled with a smile and the words "call me" the sales pitch is insurmountable
	WouldntItBeBaggarly: Working out?
	GoldBonds: a little bit, i ate eight pounds of chicken alfredo this morning
	WouldntItBeBaggarly: Still thinking of playing?
	GoldBonds: sentence fragment with a question mark on the end?
	WouldntItBeBaggarly: /thinks about it, pulls out piece of paper, diagrams sentence What is your status?
	GoldBonds: barry bonds has not retired. retirement doesn't have anything to do with barry bonds, that is the only status i have
	GoldBonds: the only interest i have is to go to my seats and watch the dodgers beat the giants for not calling me
	WouldntItBeBaggarly: No interest in getting back to the field?
	GoldBonds: perhaps if american telephone and telegraph ballpark provided a system of movable carts i would have an interest in getting back to the field
	GoldBonds: when the ace of your pitching staff is a beautiful teenaged lady i guess you dont have money for hoverounds
	WouldntItBeBaggarly: Are you enjoying being out of the spotlight?
	GoldBonds: i'm not, the light is killing me, you guys just brought it back
	GoldBonds: the spotlight has nothing to do with barry bonds, i am just here to give interviews and have my picture taken and my visage be captured upon film
	GoldBonds: could you please tell the gentle man holding the spotlight that if he dont point it at me again imma bust him up
	WouldntItBeBaggarly: /motions to spotlight guy
	Online Host Barry Bonds is standing directly beneath a gigantic spotlight.
	GoldBonds: oh no, barry bonds' eyes
	WouldntItBeBaggarly: We heard you had hip surgery.
	GoldBonds: who is "we"
	WouldntItBeBaggarly: Oh... uh... just... just me and the guys?
	GoldBonds: no i did not have hip surgery i popped a quad, but barry is fine, he pops his quad every day and he feels fine
	GoldBonds: the natural wear and tear of an athlete at the top of his game
	GoldBonds: while i was under the knife i also got them to go ahead and do a head reconstruction surgery to make my head bigger, so when i come back if it looks weird there is your explanation
	WouldntItBeBaggarly: How are you feeling?
	GoldBonds: wondering if there is a position in major league baseball that lets me sit at home avoiding media scrutiny while being paid millions of dollars
	GoldBonds: /calls Alex Rodriguez to see how he did it
	GoldBonds: hello alex rodriguez, this is barry bonds... what do you mean you are a pizza place hello
	GoldBonds: oh snap barry bonds just remembered, he changed every number in his sale phone to "pizza place's number" so 'za would always be at his finger tips
	WouldntItBeBaggarly: /doesn't pay attention to what Barry says, just asks the same boring questions he was told to ask
	GoldBonds: /makes "call me" gesture at Lou Seal
	WouldntItBeBaggarly: Will we see you often?
	GoldBonds: you will see me every time you look at the face of a smiling child, if that child has the elephant mans disease
	GoldBonds: i will be back as often as larry invites me back for the first pitch, i dont want to miss the first pitch, this is important
	GoldBonds: that is the one i am supposed to swing at as hard as i can
	WouldntItBeBaggarly: Your agent says it's clear nobody will sign you.
	GoldBonds: my agent said barry bonds shouldn't eat a 76 ounce steak either but i did that in under several minutes so what the f*** does he know
	GoldBonds: the red sox offered me seven years, all the million dollars but i say to my family, "meh"
	GoldBonds: the offers are there, baggerdly, but i am tired of walking and opening my eyes and breathing
	WouldntItBeBaggarly: Then why is it important for you to say you're not retired?
	GoldBonds: it isnt
	WouldntItBeBaggarly: .... /stares
	GoldBonds: /shrugs
	WouldntItBeBaggarly: Oh. Uh, okay. Bye?
	GoldBonds: bye

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The Dugout: I Ain't Retired Yet, #*%$#@!!

The Dugout

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Photos link to player info. (Photo Credit: Getty Images) WordUpThome.com

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