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In a ridiculous but true story we couldn't possibly make up, Kansas City Royals relief pitcher Kyle Farnsworth continued his 2009 Farewell to the Major Leagues Tour today by having to get four stitches in his left index finger after being bitten by one of his dogs. According to the report, he was bitten while trying to break up a fight between the canines, but anybody who has ever read a Dugout knows that is totally NOT what he was doing, and chances are it was something even more absurd that what you are about to read.Sometimes Barry Bonds dresses up like Paula Abdul, sometimes Jim Thome hits a game-winning home run on Opening Day, and sometimes Kyle Farnsworth gets bitten by a dog. Thank you, God, for having a sense of humor. Tonight's Dugout is after the jump.
The Dugout
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: /staggers into Royals clubhouse with six rolls of bloody toilet paper wrapped around fist |
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PECOTA: BY THE HOARY HOATHS OF DANE IORG! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HAND! |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: /looks around to make sure nobody is listening |
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PECOTA: IT IS OKAY! I AM PRACTICALLY IMAGINARY! YOU! CAN TELL ME! |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: hurm okay, but im only admitten this to you cause your an upstanden citizen who is two parts george brett an one part rom the spaceknight |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: there was a lady bein muggd outside a coughman stadium an when i tried to save her i was stabbed upon the hand |
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PECOTA: WHAT! WE PLAY! IN RURAL MISSOURI! THERE ARE NO MUGGINGS! OUR WORST CRIME! IS TRACTOR THEFT! |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: alrite i admit it, a pitcher from off the twins throwd at mitch maier's head an i became disabled whilst trancemogriphyen his face into dusts |
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PECOTA: WHICH MEMBER! OF THE TWINS WAS THIS MAN! HE MUST PAY FOR HIS CRIMES AGAINST UTILITY! |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: kirby puckit |
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PECOTA: /stares blankly for several seconds KIRBY PUCKETT! IS DEAD! |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: i know, he shouldn't have thrown hands at me |
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PECOTA: ALSO, HE IS NOT A PITCHER! WHICH PITCHER PITCHED THE PITCH THAT STITCHED MITCH! |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: lol like i can name a pitcher on the twins |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: but no seriously, kyle p.s. farnsworth cut his hand on the f***en duck bill of zack greinkes flat ass hat |
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GreinkeDinks: AHHH, STOP IT |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: look at that thing, bob the builter wears a hat made out a f***en steel that bends more than you'res, you look like you stuck your head up the ass of a igloo |
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GreinkeDinks: If you want to know what he really did to his hand, he hurt it dogfighting. |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth:  |
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PECOTA: DOGFIGHTING! DOGFIGHTING!!!!!! THAT IS LIKE! THE WORST THING YOU CAN POSSIBLY DO WHY! ARE YOU DOGFIGHTING |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: i dunno, i find it fun to do |
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PECOTA: HOW COULD YOU DO IT! HOW COULD YOU MAKE! THOSE DOGS FIGHT EACH OTHER FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT! WHAT KIND OF PERSON-- |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: wait, fight each other what kind a dog fighten have you been watchen, pfft |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: /holds CTRL with thumb on good hand, hits V with pinkie |
| **Online Host** Welcome to the Copy Pasta Kyle Farnsworth Family Chatroom! |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: now it is time for you to make a tough decision, you gotta square it off against one a my dogs so which ones it gonna be |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: this is the 80 pound "strike" |
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Strike: AAA WOO WOO WOO, AAA WOO WOO WOO |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: he is named after both my favorite thing to do with a fist an the most impossible thing for me to throw or |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: do you bare teeth to 90 pound "rambo" |
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Rambo: NYAR ARR ARR ARR |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: who is named rambo because he is 60 years old, pumpt full a HGH, an one time he killed a big spider on my nintendo |
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st0n3_f4rnsw0rth: i wanna fight ruffles daddyyyy!!!!!! |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: i already tolt you stone, you cant fight ruffles ruffles is a pomeranien, you vs. a pomeranien does not equal ppv buys |
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st0n3_f4rnsw0rth: ruffles daddy ruffles!!!!!!! /runs around with arms over head |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: times up the decision has been made for you!!! rambo, attack, run my breakfast nook red with human bloods |
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Rambo: /pounces pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth, bites into hand |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: AAAH AAAAAAAHHHH |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: an then i slammed him into the ground an punted him at the chargen undead legionnaires before he could turn into cerberus |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: wait, did i do that or was that kratos |
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PECOTA: YOU MADE YOUR CHILD FIGHT THE DOGS! THAT IS SOMEHOW EVEN WORSE! |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: wull i gave him a spear |
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PECOTA: WHAT |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: its like the movie 300 part 1, i am trainen him to carry on my spartish legacy, i have built my life aroun the teachings of king leonardus |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: want to see me kick greinke in a hole |
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PECOTA: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU! DOGFIGHTING, SERIOUSLY |
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GreinkeDinks: He's trying to be like Cheese from "The Wire." |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: there's just the street, and the game, and what happen here today |
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GreinkeDinks: Can we trade him to Baltimore? |
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PECOTA: PROBABLY |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: oh come on like you guys dont want to see who'd win in a fight between sidney ponson an rambo the dog |
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PECOTA: ACTUALLY I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO SEE THAT |
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GreinkeDinks: hahah yeah, me too |
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PECOTA: /summons Sidney Ponson |
| **Online Host** Ponson1LegAtATime has entered the chatroom on all fours. |
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Ponson1LegAtATime: grarrr arrr?? |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: now, rambo! attack with biting spirit, end his life in a glorious spray of saliva and gnash of teeth -- turn saint lou royal blue |
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Ruffles: bark! bark! |
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pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: sh** wrong dog |
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