GlassHalfEmbree: OH MY GOD COACH

TracyTakesOn: Oh my God! Did you...it looks like you've tattooed the Batsignal on your chin!

GlassHalfEmbree: wh

but it's the year 2001 and these goatees are all the rage

TracyTakesOn: No, it's the year 2009 and nothing is all the rage because there is no such thing as "popular culture" anymore.

GlassHalfEmbree: dawww rapmetals

GlassHalfEmbree: but anyway, I just got a win.

TracyTakesOn: How? You didn't even throw a pitch!

GlassHalfEmbree: Well, that's what the ump told me! He was like, "hey, you know you just got the win, right?" And I was like, "how do I get the win, I didn't even throw a pitch and the game isn't over yet," and you know what he said?

GlassHalfEmbree: He said, "well, you're pitching against the Nationals. The Nationals are horrible and they have a horrible win-loss record. We're not sure which is the cause and which is the effect, so we've just decided to credit every opposing pitcher with a win."

TracyTakesOn: Whoa.

GlassHalfEmbree: yeah, and then he said, "welp, gotta go," and then he un-Velcroed his shoes from the turf and helplessly floated away into the rarefied Denver air

TracyTakesOn: Those silly out-of-towners, always forgetting to pack their solid-lead shoes

GlassHalfEmbree: haha yeah

/takes drag from oxygen mask

TracyTakesOn: This is huge, though. Huge. Now we know how to beat the vaunted Nationals lineup. All we have to do is put a pitcher on the mound.

GlassHalfEmbree: hahaha, vaunted Nationals lineup

TracyTakesOn: those guys are so horrible

GlassHalfEmbree: i bet the owner's name is Sucky van Awful the Third

TracyTakesOn: i bet they all eat losing lottery tickets for breakfast

GlassHalfEmbree: haha yeah and i bet their fans are all stupid dummies

that's not even a joke, i'm just saying

GlassHalfEmbree: welp, I'm gonna go enjoy the vibrant Denver nightlife

GlassHalfEmbree: which I guess just means that I'm going to Applebee's

nevermind i'll just go home

GlassHalfEmbree: /stomps home in solid-lead shoes

**OnlineHost** A shadowy figure approaches.

GlassHalfEmbree: ...hello?

SteakGrowsOnDmitri: gimme dem wins son

GlassHalfEmbree: AAAHH

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE

SteakGrowsOnDmitri: i sait gimme all ya f***en wins lest i garrote ya wit ya own silly ass purple pinstripes

GlassHalfEmbree: F-fine. Whatever you say.

SteakGrowsOnDmitri: /crams wins into mouth

mmm

SteakGrowsOnDmitri: these s**ts taste like unfair an outmoded pitchin metrics

GlassHalfEmbree: that's because they are

SteakGrowsOnDmitri: shut the f*** up, why you wearin them gat dam lead shoes

GlassHalfEmbree: because the air is thinner here and if I didn't wear them i'd float away

SteakGrowsOnDmitri: ha good thing im so f***in fat

SteakGrowsOnDmitri: wheres the closest convenience store i'm a choke the hell outta some aint-do-wells

GlassHalfEmbree: we don't have any convenience stores

we just have one skyscraper, 528 conveniently located applebee's locations, and a power plant

SteakGrowsOnDmitri: like i'm a sit in a f***in applebees an sip on a margarita an eat a bloomin onion like a gat dam dips***

SteakGrowsOnDmitri: f*** wrong with you

SteakGrowsOnDmitri: like im a lowest common denominator piece a s*** that go to applebees and be like, "yo im at applebees, im havin a good time, look at all this fine f***in cuisine, oh look im wearin a f***in polo an so is everyone else, whoop de frickin d***

GlassHalfEmbree: aw man i like applebees

SteakGrowsOnDmitri: f***in tool ass bitch

SteakGrowsOnDmitri: f*** wrong with this city