brian_bar_bannister: Hello, friends. I'm glad you could make it. How have your summers fared?

DelgadoServeSomebody: I have been sidelined for much of the season by what they refer to as "hip malaise."

AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: I have suffered several nagging injuries this season. In fact, I have pulled three different muscles that the medical community didn't know existed. I was awarded an honorary doctorate!

brian_bar_bannister: Exciting! I am presently enjoyed a 3.87 ERA!

DelgadoServeSomebody: Please to stow your 3.87 ERA inside of your anus, sir.

brian_bar_bannister: Very well. I hereby initiate the third Speculation Station!

AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: Huzzah!

DelgadoServeSomebody: Here's to an enlightening discussion, gentlemen!

brian_bar_bannister: Today's subject: the full-length commercial for the 2009 All-Star Game.

brian_bar_bannister: I will begin proceedings.

brian_bar_bannister:

Item #1. The commercial begins with a scene at Citizens Bank Park. The Phillies are playing the Yankees. However, I don't recall the Yankees playing in Philadelphia this season.

AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: This is crucial, because a gentleman in the stands is shown filling out what is obviously intended to be this year's All-Star ballot.

DelgadoServeSomebody: I just looked it up. The Yankees have not played at Citizens Bank Park since June 21, 2006. At that time, the venue of the 2009 All-Star Game had not yet been disclosed.

brian_bar_bannister: I suggest, then, that this is an anachronism. As such, the events depicted in this commercial did not take place in the real world,

AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: Seconded.

DelgadoServeSomebody:

Item #2. The Gateway Arch in St. Louis has been uprooted and is hovering over the field. It seems to attract players and fans alike.

brian_bar_bannister: It appears as though the Arch is meant to attract people to the All-Star Game, which of course is being held in St. Louis. But how?

AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: It's a magnet, I suppose. The Gateway Arch looks kind of like a horseshoe magnet...you know, kind of.

brian_bar_bannister: Kind of a stretch, man.

AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: Well, you know what? I didn't write this stupid ass commercial.

DelgadoServeSomebody: Gentlemen, please! This is a forum of civilized discussion, not an argument over who did or did not write a commercial about the Gateway Arch being a magical flying magnet.

DelgadoServeSomebody: Which is yet another interesting sub-topic: humans aren't physiologically attracted by magnets. Clearly this is a different sort of magnet.

brian_bar_bannister: Well, it's based in St. Louis. Perhaps the Arch Magnet attracts seedy convenience stores and dilapidated warehouses.

DelgadoServeSomebody: Seconded.

AChipOffTheOl'_erJones:

Item #3. Before the Arch Magnet arrived, the Yankees were batting, correct?

brian_bar_bannister: Correct.

AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: Well, after the Arch Magnet is shown, a Yankees player is shown with a baseball glove on the field. This is like three seconds later. And he's clearly not in the bullpen, because the bullpen in Citizens Bank Park is walled off.

DelgadoServeSomebody: Hmm. Well, we've already established that the Arch Magnet is an anomaly, the physics of which we cannot entirely comprehend.

brian_bar_bannister: Perhaps in addition to its magnetic powers, it also emits continuity errors.

AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: Seconded.

brian_bar_bannister:

Item #4. A hand! A hand is holding the Arch Magnet! Whose hand is it? Is the Arch Magnet being moved by God?

AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: No. It's being moved by Mr. Hands. Remember Mr. Hands? From the "Mr. Bill" sketches on Saturday Night Live?

DelgadoServeSomebody: I cast a vote of dissent! It's God! God is moving the Arch Magnet!

AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: Oh, okay, let me get this straight. God wants people to go to the All-Star game, so he turns the Gateway Arch into a MAGICAL MAGNET THAT ATTRACTS HUMAN BEINGS and dumps them in Busch Stadium? Couldn't he just snap his fingers and do it?

DelgadoServeSomebody: Um. It's kind of an Adam's Rib sort of thing.

AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: Rrrrright.

brian_bar_bannister:

Sorry, sir. The measure passes by a vote of 2 to 1. Mr. Hands is holding the Arch Magnet.

DelgadoServeSomebody: sigh

damned humanists

DelgadoServeSomebody:

Item #5. After leaving Citizens Bank Park, the hand is dragging the Arch Magnet across a bunch of farmland. That's nice of him.

brian_bar_bannister: Haha, yeah. "Hmm, anything worth picking up across flyover country? Nope! Smell you later, dips**ts!"

AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: haha stupid rural people

AChipOffTheOl'_erJones:

Item #6. The hand moves the Arch Magnet to Wrigley Field. The Mets' David Wright and Jose Reyes jump on with ease; however, none of the Cubs make it.

DelgadoServeSomebody: Yeah. At the thirty second mark, we can clearly observe Ryan Theriot, Derrek Lee, Rich Harden, and Geovany Soto running to catch the magnet. To no avail.

brian_bar_bannister: Sorry, Cubbies! The giant magical apparatus has stared into your souls, and it doesn't like what it sees! Have fun in yuppieville, losers!

brian_bar_bannister:

Item #7: Does this whole business remind anyone else of the Rapture?

AChipOffTheOl'_erJones:

Item #8. The hand moves the Arch Magnet to Wrigley Field. The Mets' David Wright and Jose Reyes jump on with ease; however, none of the Cubs make it.

DelgadoServeSomebody: Maybe this is how it ends. Maybe the righteous are picked up with an enormous magnet and unceremoniously dumped in St. Louis.

AChipOffTheOl'_erJones:

Item #9. The Arch Magnet travels to some park in Los Angeles. There's a stage with signs that say "VOTE" on it.

DelgadoServeSomebody: I've never actually seen an All-Star Game voting booth. Is that what they're like? Are they Dierks Bentley concerts?

brian_bar_bannister: Matter unresolved.

Finally, Item #10. The Arch Magnet returns to St. Louis. The hand shakes the magnet, and everyone clinging to it is flung to the ground.

AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: Does this strike anyone else as macabre?

AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: That's quite a drop. Those people are going to die! They're going to die!

DelgadoServeSomebody: And Albert Pujols is watching this grim spectacle with a stoic expression on his face. Is he an evil sorceror of some sort? Does he hold lordship over this giant hand and its magical horseshoe magnet?

brian_bar_bannister: I don't know how else a man can attain an adjusted OPS+ over 200.

AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: Seconded.

brian_bar_bannister: Final thoughts, friends. How should we interpret this commercial. What is it?

DelgadoServeSomebody: Well, granted, it's a strange commercial. It clearly boasts high production value, but it's stupid.

DelgadoServeSomebody: That said...to be honest, once I watched it the second time through, I almost got goosebumps. I'm not sure what it was. Perhaps an amalgamation of my love of baseball, my love of this country, however deeply seated, and appreciation of special effects.

brian_bar_bannister: And somehow, it was the song -- some ordinary, radio-ready song -- that brought it all together.

AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: That's exactly it. It's the music. If the music were different, we would not be having the same discussion.

brian_bar_bannister: Oh?

AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: Here. Do this.

1. Put the video on mute.

2. Open "Come To Daddy" by Aphex Twin in a different tab.

3. Fast-forward it to about the 3:50 mark.

4. Go back to the All-Star Game commercial and hit play.

DelgadoServeSomebody: okay here goes

DelgadoServeSomebody: AAAHH

brian_bar_bannister: AAAHH

DelgadoServeSomebody: AAAHH

brian_bar_bannister: AAAHH

AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: AAAHH

DelgadoServeSomebody: AAAHH

brian_bar_bannister:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH