What the WAC Wrote to the BCS, Maybe

Buried in the details surrounding the BCS contract extension signed by the Mountain West and the WAC was this nugget in an Idaho newspaper: "The conference (WAC) will attach a letter 'that will lay out the concerns we have and basically express our strong objection to the current BCS structure,' Boise State president Bob Kustra said."

Yep, a bona fide letter. (Possible illustration, right). Thanks to the tremendous connections of the ClayNation column in conjunction with the awe-inspiring power of FanHouse, and the action news team that, er, located Gene Chizik's inaugural address to Auburn, we were able to artfully re-create this letter below:

"Dear BCS,

You are so wack. (The bad wack not the good WAC!) We hate you. Every single one of us. From Louisiana Tech (yes, that is an actual school) to Hawaii, every single person who has ever graduated from our football programs, all 28 of them, hate you. Or as the players say, "H8 u!!111"

We hate your pointy shoes, and your paltry money, and your BCS standings that are so complicated the rules might as well read, "Minus-488 points for not being in a Big Six conference." We hate the smugness of the Big Six, like those programs are all legitimate powerhouses. Have you been to Starkville, Mississippi? It makes Logan, Utah look like Beverly Hills. That's in California. You know, the same state where we have the 18th best football team in the Silicon Valley. (Not counting high schools.) San Jose State, baby. And San Jose State is loaded, baby.

You want millions.

They got 50 of them.

Yep, their entire endowment is $50 million dollars. Put it in a stack of singles and it would reach to Jupiter. Then, if we wanted to, we could push the stack over and it would make it rain all the way to Boise. Fifty millions, that's almost as much as Alabama makes from football each year, son. In the whole university.

And we've got a blue field. Do you have a blue field? Do you know how much technology that takes? I'll tell you, all the technology in Louisiana. That's why we brought in Louisiana Tech. Because, let's be clear, when you think, "Scientific revolution," you think, "Louisiana."

Seriously, though, a blue field. Do you know why it's blue? Because it's a metaphorical reflection of our inner soul. We're crying. Crying because you greedy bastards don't include us in anything. Do you know how long the WAC has existed? Since 1962. So what if all six of the original members of the WAC have left to join other conferences? So what if the first nine teams to join our conference all left to join other conferences too. We still have Hawaii. They've been with us since the '79. These colors don't run. Instead, they get trampled.

You want television markets? We own Idaho. Own it. Count 'em off with me, one, two, three (if you count Utah State) teams in the same state. Bang. 1.5 million people. What's that? You want them to watch other teams play. Not happening. You just lost the 44th most dense population in the United States, suckers.

If we wanted to, we could keep potatoes from leaving the state of Idaho and the country would come undone. Try feeding your big money football players without starches. Yeah, watch their muscles dwindle, watch them crumble on the bench press. Idaho is the lifeblood of college football everywhere.

You want big crowds? We pack them in. Idaho seats 16,000. That's 16, and then thousand after it. The Kibbie Dome rocks. Even if it does sound a little bit like a place where they'd host the Puppy Bowl. Or where they used to film the television show Blossom.

You want more? If everyone of our nine stadiums was sold out on game day and teams would actually come play us in our home stadiums instead of paying us to come play in theirs, do you know how many people would be here? Yep, 286,000. That's almost as many as at Penn State, Michigan and Tennessee combined. That's commitment.

We know some say discretion is the better part of valor and some people will judge us for letting our emotions get out of control in this letter. We know that Abraham Lincoln used to write angry letters and put them in his desk and never mail them. But we aren't Lincoln. We're the WAC, son. And we won't be trifled with. We'll just keep on truckin', keep on with our internal rivalries that are some of the best in the nation.

The Battle of the Bone, it means nothing to you, big ole BCS. But when Fresno State and Louisiana Tech throw down you better leave the women and children at home. (Also, the men if it's televised on Tuesday night on ESPN-8 live from Anchorage but that's another story). How about the Battle of the Milk Can? Did you know that California and Idaho are No. 1 and No. 4 respectively in dairy production? We bet you didn't, loser. Or that the Milk Can rivalry dates all the way back to 'aught five (you know, 2005). It's so big that the first year the milk can wasn't even ready yet. That's tradition.

Nope, you didn't know any of this BCS. Because you're too busy shafting us from angles that would make porn stars blush. The days of the WAC being your own personal ski-pole are over BCS, finished.

We hope this letter conveys how thoroughly steamed we are.

Sincerely,

The WAC!

(P.S. Kindly note that our return address has changed. We don't want to miss your checks.)