Week in Review: Nothing Happened

We regret to inform you there will be no Week in Review this week. For an explanation, heeeeere's Tommy!

"Nothing happened."

So said Oakland Raiders coach Tom Cable after being asked whether he'd really broken the jaw of assistant coach Randy Hanson with a sucker punch.

Granted, there was no proof other than police reports that Hanson was rushed to an area hospital where doctors surgically removed Cable's fist from his mouth. It could have just been one of those weird Al Davis training camp hazing rituals, like forcing rookies to write "Commitment to Excrement" 1,000 times on a blackboard.

As much as we'd like to take Cable's word at broken-face value, you'd have to be a member of the O.J. jury to buy his defense. Not that he was the only one using the pithy line last week.

Tiger Woods -- "Nothing happened."

Plaxico Burress -- "Nothing happened."

Brett Favre's agent -- "Nothing happened."

Memphis' 2007-08 Basketball Program -- "Nothing happened."

That Girl/Guy Who from South Africa who won the 800 meters at the world track championships -- "Nothing happened."

Was he/she born a man or wasn't he/she? Only his/her endocrinologist knows for sure.

At least we know what Britney Spears was at birth. Dropped on her head. She kicked off her latest Image Rehab Tour by doing a David Letterman Top 10 List in a bikini. Expect Michael Vick to show up on The Tonight Show wearing a feather boa and high heels.

And in our favorite story of the week, the descendants of Jesse Owens watched the world track championships from Adolph Hitler's box at Berlin Stadium. Der Fuhrer could not be reached for comment, but a Third Reich spokesman said "nothing happened" in Germany between 1933 and 1945.

On that historical note, we feel compelled to go ahead and review a whole lot of nothing last week. Sunday

Nike confiscates all videotape of the PGA Championship after somebody named Y.E. Yang dunks on Tiger Woods in the final round.

Usain Bolt runs the 100 meters in 9.58, prompting speculation that he was actually born a cheetah.

In his first post-Big House interview, Michael Vick goes on 60 Minutes and tearfully confesses he once cheated at Madden.

Monday

A study reveals that 85 percent of U.S. bank notes contain cocaine residue. In his live-stream video, Stephon Marbury takes credit for 29 percent of that.

FOX's Jay Glazer confirms a report that ESPN will confirm his report that Brett Favre will come out of retirement to fight Larry Holmes.

Plaxico Burress is spotted with a .40-caliber Glock outside a Barack Obama rally, prompting Keith Olbermann to demand that Roger Goodell shoot Burress.

Tuesday

In a White House ceremony honoring NASCAR, Barack Obama promises that his proposed health care overhaul "will not pull the plug on Mark Martin."

Just days after signing Michael Vick, Donovan McNabb says he would like the Eagles to sign Plaxico Burress. But if he's not available, McNabb said, "I'd settle for Rae Carruth."

New York City police pull Nate Robinson over driving with a suspended license -- his fifth suspended license. Robinson's lawyer says the charges are all bogus because Robinson feet can't reach the pedals.

Wednesday

The NCAA strips Memphis of its 38-2 record in 2008 after investigators determine that the school paid Dr. Stephen Hawking to take Derrick Rose's SAT exam. Florida State immediately appeals to have the 38 wins awarded to Bobby Bowden.

Minnesota Vikings owner Zygi Wilf says he doesn't regret signing Brett Favre despite protests from People for the Ethical Treatment of Sage Rosenfels.

On the eve of the Afghanistan election, President Hamid Karzai promises free health care, a goat in every pot and that he'll bring the 2015 Super Bowl to Kabul.

Thursday

Gary Sheffield tells youngsters at the Little League World Series they should always demand contract extensions in August and threaten to sit out the rest of the season.

Michael Vick goes on Larry King Live and says he never administered propofol to help Michael Jackson get to sleep.

Caster Semenya sets a world record in the 800 meters despite tripping over her beard in the final straightaway.

Friday

Critics question the planning of the $1.2 billion Cowboys Stadium after a punt hits the giant mural of Jerry Jones during Dallas' 30-10 win over Tennessee.

ESPN confirms a New York Post report that Plaxico Burress has hired a receiving coach to instruct him how to hang on to the soap in the prison shower.

After going 1-for-4 in the Minnesota's preseason win over Kansas City, Brett Favre reiterates that he is retired and has no plans to change his mind and play for the Vikings.

Saturday

ESPN confirms a New York Post report that Plaxico Burress has hired a receiving coach to instruct him how to hang on to the soap in the prison shower. Urban Meyer demands a recount after AP pollsters vote Florida No. 1 on only 58 of the 60 ballots.

Indiana announces it will induct former coach Bobby Knight into the Chair Bowling Hall of Fame.

ESPN confirms a report that the U.S. has taken a 12.5 to 9.5 lead over Europe in the Solheim Cup, prompting millions of Americans to ask, "What's the Solheim Cup?"

Unless nothing happens, predictions for the upcoming week:

After New Orleans beats Oakland 42-3, Tom Cable requires his players to take DNA tests to prove they weren't born females.

Amid growing reports of voter fraud, Al Gore declares himself president of Afghanistan.

Just to beat the rush, Kentucky issues a preemptive press release supporting John Calipari after the NCAA strips the school of all its wins in the 2012-13 season