Long Odds? A Dozen SEC Predictions That Might Come True

I spent the weekend in Las Vegas, city of sin, sun, boobs and boobs who gamble on sports. And I did what I do every time I go to Las Vegas, step up to the window and place a $100 wager on a team that I follow to win the championship. Every one of these bets has been a loser, and, to be honest, most of the time I lose my ticket anyway. This year I laid down money on the Tennessee Titans. Inevitably they'll fall short of the Super Bowl, just like your team will, but at least I'll have the opportunity to talk about my bet all season long.

And that's exactly what I'm going to do if my wild and wacky SEC predictions turn out to be true as well.

Let's be honest, being right is its own reward, but being a risk-taker can make you a billionaire. And, by God, I'm a risk-taker. So let's roll into the scrum, toss up the homoerotic pom-poms, and whistle Dixie right into the face of a charging tiger. It's almost football time beneath the Mason-Dixon and it's time for y'all to know what to expect.

1. Georgia officials and irate fans will demand that Mark Richt fire defensive coordinator Willie Martinez. Instead Richt will issue an ultimatum, "I coach with my guys or I take over the football program at Miami and win two national championships in the next decade."

Georgia fans?

The proverbial ball is in your court. This is the year when Richt stumbles. And this is the year when it becomes more apparent than ever before that Martinez is to Richt what Randy Sanders was to Phillip Fulmer, the first chink in the armor.

If you'd seen Joe Cox at SEC Media Days, you'd be more nervous. Somebody elbowed me, "Travis," he said, "you look like a better quarterback than Cox."

Chances are, if you're reading this, so do you.

Looks can be deceiving, but the problem for Georgia is that Cox needs to be as good as Stafford. Immediately. Last year Georgia's defense gave up 40 touchdowns. The offense behind Matthew Stafford and Knowshon Moreno helped cover up those lapses. This year there isn't that luxury.

Glory, glory to old ... we gave up another first down!

Get used to it Bulldogs. And to think, LSU managed to snag John Chavis from Tennessee while y'all sat panting on a bag of ice in the doghouse.

2. If Lane Kiffin and Tennessee don't beat UCLA in Week 2, Kiffin will be fired at the end of the 2010 season.

On the flip side, if Kiffin and Tennessee beat UCLA in the second week of the season, they win a minimum of eight games on the season. The Vols have eight home games and will be favored in seven of them.

Why is this game so significant? Because the next week is Florida. And Tennessee isn't winning in Gainesville. Starting the season 1-2 would bring unbearable heat to Kiffin. As if that weren't enough, write it down, Tennessee needs to win in 2009 because they are going to be worse in 2010.

3. Tim Tebow loses his virginity to Miley Cyrus on their wedding night.

This one is just to make Tim Brando mad. Evidently, he spent all day Thursday ripping me for being all that is wrong with sports on his radio show. I didn't hear it. Since, along with most of you, I had no idea Tim Brando had a radio show. Nevertheless, I'm going to do what gentlemen of the South have done for generations.

Challenge Brando to a duel and select my weapon.

I choose ping pong paddles at 10 feet. Your move, Brando. Just don't move so quick that your combover falls out of place.

4. The dawn of the Bobby Petrino era comes Sept. 19 when Georgia rolls into Fayetteville and Martinez's defense is disemboweled by Arkansas' Ryan Mallett.

Houston Dale Nutt, who?

Seriously, mark this game on your BlackBerry calendar. It's going to be amazing. And no one is talking about it because Georgia has to play at Oklahoma State and at home against South Carolina before this game.

The Hawgtron scoreboard at Arkansas just might explode. Even faster than the fans will after eating the pulled pork nachos.

5. South Carolina loses to Ole Miss on Thursday, Sept. 24 and limps home, eventually going 4-8 on the season. Steve Spurrier hangs up the visor.

Stephen Garcia celebrates Spurrier's retirement by being arrested for the fourth time since arriving on campus. This time for drunken biking while wearing a South Carolina cheerleading uniform and a soap bucket on top of his head.

How ironic is it that Spurrier has gone from Danny Wuerffel to Garcia?

About as ironic as you can get.

6. Vanderbilt's Bobby Johnson accepts the South Carolina job after leading the Commodores to their second consecutive bowl victory.

In explaining his departure from the 'Dores, Johnson is succinct, "Momma always said, if hell freezes over twice, put on your ice skates and get your ass out of hell."

7. Auburn loses to Ole Miss, and Gene Chizik resigns citing "exhaustion."

And by exhaustion, he means, Auburn athletic director Jay Jacobs just realized he hasn't been dreaming for the past six months. Nope, he really replaced Tommy Tuberville with Gene Chizik.

8. Buoyed by the surprise turnaround of the LSU defense, but angry with the continued failure of the LSU offense, boosters start to ponder: Would John Chavis be a better head coach than Les Miles?

An angry Miles confronts a gathering of the boosters. "I heard you been pondering," Miles says, "I thought we had a talk about you using words that have something to do with men sleeping together."

When informed that pondering does not, in fact, have anything to do with men sleeping together, Miles removes his white LSU hat and said, "Let's go for it on fourth down."

9. Hotty Toddy, gosh al ... oh no. Just one game away from their first trip to Atlanta, Ole Miss rolls into Starkville, Mississippi and loses to a heretofore winless-in-the-SEC Mississippi State.

Mississippi State fans celebrate by burning the entire city of Starkville to the ground. One block later, the city is in ruins.

But no one notices for another year.

10. Alabama fans watch the Tide win the SEC West title from their doublewide barcaloungers having beaten Auburn on the Friday after Thanksgiving.

In celebration, Nick Saban is named Pope, Governor, Lord Regent, and Supreme Authority of the state of Alabama. Joyous fans begin raising money to bury Saban next to Bear Bryant. The planned tomb will be visible from space.

Saban demurs, "Y'all aren't good enough fans to have a dead coach visible from space."

Feeling they have not loved their coach enough, Alabama fans commit ritual suicide, drinking red kool-aid and singing Rammer Jammer as they march, arms interlocked, into the Black Warrior River. When all is over, it's the biggest loss of life in Alabama since the Civil Rights movement.

11. Kentucky's Rich Brooks shows up at a campus Halloween party dressed as himself. "I love your costume," says a drunk Kentucky fan. Brooks beams. "Hey, look," the fan says, "somebody dressed up as John Calipari in 30 years. It's Old John."

Later Brooks drinks his signature bottle of Maker's Mark and stares ruminatively at Commonwealth Stadium, "Why me?" he asks.

12. Alabama and Florida's SEC Championship game is delayed when Tebow ascends to Heaven through the Georgia Dome roof.

Urban Meyer resists all calls for the game to be postponed so the media can report on Tebow's ascension. A grim-faced Meyer growls, "Why do you think we recruited Brantley?"

Florida wins by three touchdowns.