**OnlineHost** Welcome to Mets-Phillies Bottom of the 9th Chat!

**OnlineHost** Eric Bruntlett has muffed two ground balls, allowing runners on first and second.

InstructionManuel: This is impossible.

DudleyDoWright: My God. When was the last time that two things in a row went right for us?

InstructionManuel: I think it was the time I sat down in a chair without it falling out from under me, then I proceeded to eat an entire apple without accidentally biting my tongue. That was in June, I think.

InstructionManuel: Then a clown rode into my kitchen on a unicycle and hit me in the face with a pie. Then my house fell down.

InstructionManuel: I suppose we should savor the moment while it lasts, because Francoeur's up.

DudleyDoWright: No way! This is providence, don't you see? There's no better situation to have Strikeout Jesus at the plate. The one thing we can't have in this situation is a double play, and you can't strike out into a double play.

InstructionManuel: My God, you're right. FRANCOEUR! HEY!

InstructionManuel: /gives "strikeout" sign

FrancoeuAmerican: /misses sign

InstructionManuel: /gives sign

FrancoeuAmerican: /misses

InstructionManuel: /gives sign

FrancoeuAmerican: /misses

/grimaces, takes off batting gloves, walks back to dugout

InstructionManuel: Get back out there! You haven't batted yet!

FrancoeuAmerican: WHOOPS SORRY COACH

InstructionManuel: sigh

always with the font

DudleyDoWright: So what now?

InstructionManuel: He strikes out, and the next batter comes up.

DudleyDoWright: But all our other batters are on the disabled list. Our 5-hole hitter was hastily assembled out of K'Nex this morning, and we weren't able to procure any hinges or other moving parts.

InstructionManuel: I know, son, but at least we'll have a chance. It's all in God's hands.

**Welcome to Mansion of Heaven Chat!

God: /adjusts headset

God: Thank you for calling Heaven. This is God. How may I help you?

WordUpThome: WELL HELLO GO

WordUpThome: GOD

THIS IS JI

WordUpThome: JIM THOME

God: sighhhhhh

Jim. Hello, how are you doing?

WordUpThome: SIR I FEEL AS LUCKY AS THE TALLEST GRASSLING ON A FRESHLY MOWN LAWN

WordUpThome: BUT I WAS WATCHING THE TELE-VISION AND I HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT SOMETHING

God: Jim, My love for you is unending, but my time isn't. I bestowed Wikipedia upon Man so that I could increase prayer-answering efficiency. Please use it.

WordUpThome: WELL THIS IS A MORAL DILEMMA

WordUpThome: POOR OLD JIM JUST TRUTHED UPON THE TRUTH THAT BASED BALLS ARE MADE OF COW HIDE

God: Yes.

WordUpThome: HOW MANY OF MINE BOVINE BROTHERS HAVE SNUFFED IT FOR THE BENEFIT OF SELFISH JIM'S HOME RUNS AND GROUND OUTS

God: Hold one moment.

God: okay, carry the five, multiply by, pffffpfpfpffff

God: All right. The surface of a Major League baseball is about 27 square inches. The average surface area of a full-grown cow is 58,590 square inches. So a cow is the equivalent of about 2,170 baseballs.

God: To date, you have 2,129 base hits. Add that to every foul ball, ground out, pop up, etc., that you have ever hit, and it's safe to say that you have hit the equivalent of three dead cows. Congratulations.

WordUpThome: FOLLOW UP QUESTION: DID THE ALMIGHTY YOU AFFORD THESE SOWS WITH A SOUL

God: I'm sorry, I'm going to invoke my "be a frustrating jerk" clause and refuse to answer.

WordUpThome: THAT IS NOT COOL LORD GOD

God: lol

God: Here's something to think about, at least. What if I made you an animal instead of a person? How would you feel about it?

WordUpThome: INDEED WHAT IF YOU HAD GIVEN ME PAWS

WordUpThome: YOU HAVE GIVEN ME PAUSE

**OutlookExpress** GOD, you have 1 pending appointment:

"URGENT: MAKE SURE METS LOSE"

God: Oh my Me, I forgot.

Jim, please hold.

**OnlineHost** Welcome to Mets-Phillies Bottom of the 9th Chat!

FrancoeuAmerican: /swings

InstructionManuel: oh no

FrancoeuAmerican: /hits into the 15th unassisted triple play in the history of baseball

InstructionManuel: AHHHHHHHSDJKGALGA

InstructionManuel: /reaches for bat rack, breaks bat in half

Someone show me how to perform hara-kiri. Like, now.

DudleyDoWright: Sure thing, Coach! First you empty a sack of marbles into your mouth, then you imbibe a bunch of liquor and you

InstructionManuel: no, no, that's harry caray

**OnlineHost** Welcome to Mansion of Heaven Chat!

WordUpThome: O LORDED GOD, WHY COME DO YOU HATE THE METS WITH SUCHLY WRATH

God: I give them the gift of artistic appreciation, and they come up with a blue-and-orange color scheme that looks as though it were conceived by a colorblind masochistic one-year-old.

God: You'd do the same thing.

WordUpThome: THE LORD IS IRKED IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS