All That And a Bag of Mail Returns: Tackling Weddings in Football Season

In the distant mists of Internet history there was a time when all was just, when the world was free and open and a squirrel could hop from one tree to another all the way from Maine to Key West. It was a time when pink dolphins lay down with beaver pelts, beards were good, and All That and a Bag of Mail came every Friday on CBSSports.com. Well, the past is prologue ladies and gentlemen. On college football eve, the ClayNation mailbag is back. We'll be here every Wednesday to ponder life's mysteries, answer your questions, and award the elusive beaver pelt trader of the week award. Come closer now tiny dancer and enter the mailbag.

As always, the questions are entirely your own. The goal is to be fun, entertaining, and non-cliche. To begin this week, I'd like to take the time to extend the first FanHouse beaver pelt trader of the week award to reader Clint B. whose rename the BCS nominee "antimatter" won the contest. (The beaver pelt trader of the week is given out each week to someone who has done something remarkable as judged by me, or as voted by y'all. The phrase is my attempted substitute for the outdated cliche of calling someone a "riverboat gambler" if they take a risk in a football game.) On to the mailbag.
Rob B. writes:

Claytravious-

I moved to New York City after graduating from our beloved University of Tennessee. For almost three years, I feel that I, and my other southern friends that live here, have done a fairly remarkable job of letting folks know how important SEC sports are (not just to us, but to world history). Apparently I was wrong. One of my best friends in the city decided to get engaged last week, and he has asked me to be in his wedding in New Jersey on September 19, 2009. I can't imagine anything much worse than being in a Yankee wedding - formal dinner, more dreadful toasts, less alcohol-encouraged debauchery than the southern version (I'm sure you've been through this hell enough to know what I'm talking about) - in New Jersey on this date. This predicament seems to happen to you on a regular basis; do you have any insight or tips on manipulating wedding dates? It may not be set in stone yet.

Wishing I still lived in a manly city.


Every year we get e-mails like this and they break my heart anew. If you're a man or woman, a Southern person might be required to come to your wedding, and you've ever considered getting married during the fall, don't. There is a reason why those dates are open -- because people who aren't already pregnant have planned ahead and taken the other months. Why? Because they aren't ungrateful wenches who pray on the good nature of their friends and family to schedule weddings during the fall.

Sigh.

Somebody should write a thesis comparing divorce rates in the South when a wedding takes place in the fall with other months. I'm convinced that while we lead the nation in divorce anyway, the rates are even higher for fall weddings.

But a Yankee wedding really takes the proverbial cake. That's awful. The girls are uglier, there's less alcohol, people are talking about the Yankees and the Red Sox, and meanwhile one of the 12 or 13 greatest Saturdays of the year is unspooling away outside your purview. All the while you have to talk about Long Island traffic and the Arctic ice caps melting.

Just shoot yourself.

And you can't even go dark and pretend that the game isn't happening by turning off all media devices. Why? Some gel-haired tool with a tan that's taken him 14 months to perfect will come up to you on the dance floor, give you a high five -- which you'll want to redirect at his overly tanned face -- and say, "Bro, you're from Tennessee. They got killed today. What happened? It was 48-10."

So, I really don't have any great advice. Other than root for the wedding to fall apart. Maybe tape the bachelor party and discreetly email a file to the bride-to-be.

Karen P. writes:

I just read your article about Erin Andrews and I had to laugh! I took you for a 50-year-old man, and I was really surprised to find out how young you are to have such antiquated beliefs.

You REALLY think we (women) don't know how much you guys think about sex??!! REALLY?? What is this, Clay, 1957? I'm almost flabbergasted that you seriously think No. 1, that we don't know that men think about sex 99.9 percent of the time ... and No. 2, that you don't know that women now think about sex an awful lot, too, since we have become more liberated over the years!

You're absolutely, positively uninformed if you really believe that women don't know what makes men tick.

Furthermore, you seem to think you know the gender of people that are looking at the video. Why are you so 100 percent sure it's all men? Do you know how many women have looked at that to see what all the fuss is about? To see if she's hotter than us, or if we're hotter than her? (That's what women do.) And do you know how many lesbians probably looked at that? I think you're really out-of-touch with modern women, Clay.

And you think we don't know how you guys feel about cheerleaders??!! Come on. You've got to be kidding me with this one. We go to games to look at cheerleaders to see how you react, to see what you like.

God, you have just proven to me by this article that MEN ARE DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We get it, Clay ... give us more credit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As you can see, I have a real way with the ladies. I'll just make a couple of comments.

1. One of the greatest lies men of my generation have been told, post -sexual revolution, is that women want to have sex as much as we do. That's a bald-faced lie. If you're in college right now, you might disagree. So did I. Wait until you get married.

Then you'll see.

Married men are nodding right now.

2. Ninety-five percent of the people who watched the video were men. I'll stake my life on it. There certainly weren't many lesbians. Why? Because Erin Andrews has long hair. Lesbians only like women with short hair. (I'm an expert on lesbians.) Also, I love lesbians and wish there were more of them.

3. "We go to games to look at cheerleaders to see how you react, to see what you like."

My god, what are the cheerleaders doing at the games you go to? To see what we like? I'll summarize, we like attractive women. Preferably not wearing many clothes. That's not too complicated. Otherwise, who are you, the Cheerleader Whisperer? You can watch a man watch cheerleaders and tell what he likes?

This deserves further explanation.

Thanks for the e-mail!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Coy B. writes:

C'lay,
I have recently started dating a girl who originally hails from Mississippi. While we get along great I am beginning to have a problem with her. When I discovered she was from the South, I immediately began to inquire about whether or not she was a football fan. I was elated to learn that she was not only a football fan but an SEC fan. My problem stems from when I began to dig into her SEC fandom. She claims to be a fan of both Ole Miss and Mississippi State. I feel like this just cannot be allowed to happen. I have begun to question things with her because how can she be loyal to such rivals? She is also a UNC basketball fan, which I have just tried to ignore. So my question is, do I pursue things with her, because if I do I feel as though I may be tossed aside during a down year for the cross-state rival? I need a little advice here.

No matter what state you're from, you can't root for two rivals equally. What does she do when they play each other? She has to have a preference, right? I think that's where you go, to eliminate the doubt in your mind. You have to pin her down (figuratively), and get the answer to this question. Otherwise the torment in your mind isn't going to cease.

Preface your question by explaining that she should choose wisely. Explain that if she will cheat on her favored team, you will, justifiably, assume that she will one day cheat on you as well. (If she isn't already. Women are sex-crazed, you know, just ask Karen.)

Also, I'd be leery of a Southern girl who roots for more than one team, they're the ones who set up fall weddings.


Jesse Hutmaker writes:

Do you think it is possible to start a campaign for the inventor of the sundress to receive a humanitarian award? The inventor should, at the very least, have a statue made after them and definitely have a national holiday named after them. I think you are just the right person to make this campaign work.

Thanks.

Here's what I've been arguing for the past two years, I want to create a National Sundress Party. Like Woodstock for hot women in sundresses. Get a bunch of bands to play Sweet Caroline, Don't Stop Believing, and Sweet Home Alabama on constant repeat -- the troika of songs that makes all Southern girls go mad with delight -- throw the party and watch the money roll in.

The other night I told my wife that I was going to roll the profits from the new book into this idea. Let's just say, she's not that excited about it. But she's a Yankee, she'd never worn a sundress to a football game until 2001. She'll come around. At the first inaugural sundress party we could unveil a statue to whoever this genius of fashion was. Brilliant idea.

Ben W. writes:

C'lay

My friend sent me this story about an urban coon hunter, and I figured I would pass it on to you. I'll be honest, I was left speechless by the greatness of this story except for this one line.

"A licensed hunter and furrier, Beasley says he hunts coons and rabbit and squirrel for a clientele who hail mainly from the South, where the wild critters are considered something of a delicacy."

Now, I'm no connoisseur of coon, but what self respecting southerner is going all the way to Detroit to purchase fresh coon? And what the the hell is a furrier?

This story is outstanding. Great point on Southerners buying Detroit coon. And how is it shipped? What if it went to the wrong house and you opened up a package and it had a dead raccoon inside. You'd think your life was being threatened, right? God forbid, you were a minority, CNN would be on your doorstep in minutes.

Also, while I love the urban coon hunter phrase, what are the odds that you'd get called into the office if your company saw that you'd been visiting urbancoonhunter.com? It looks like a spin-off from milfhunter.

More mailbag next week. As always email questions to clay.travis@gmail.com

Clay Travis is the author of three books. His latest, On Rocky Top: A Front Row Seat to The End of an Era chronicles the 2008 Tennessee football season, is on sale now.