Mailbag: Crocodile McCheerleader

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is 16-year-old Cammie Colin, a cheerleader who killed a 10-foot alligator. Can I just make this public: I'd like to go on an alligator hunt. Will someone take me? E-mail me if so. I'll write about it.

Last week marked the inauguration of our season-long, Clay Travis vs. French girl competition. I'm pleased to report that I upheld all that is true and just in the world by trouncing Audrey, my family's former exchange student, 4-2 vs. 3-3.

This week we're picking these games. My picks are in bold.

Florida (-30) vs. Tennessee

Cal (-14) vs. Minnesota

Virginia Tech (-5) vs. Nebraska

Oregon State (-2) vs. Cincinnati

BYU (-7) vs. Florida State

Arkansas (-1) vs. Georgia

Here are Audrey's picks along with her rationales.

"Tennessee -- yeah baby
Minnesota for Brandon Walsh :-)
Nebraska Style for Casey
Oregon State -- where is Oregon?
BYU Baiser Yummee Ursula
Georgia -- Flashdance

I think I'm gonna love that game."

I have no clue what most of her comments mean, aside from the Brandon Walsh line, but it appears that we have mostly picked different teams this week.



Now on to All That and a Bag of Mail:

John C. writes

Clay --

I'm in trouble.

First, a confession. I'm breaking last week's relationship rules and dating (more specifically, marrying) within the conference. I am a life-long, die-hard fan of the Arkansas Razorbacks, engaged to a beautiful, wonderful Georgia Bulldog. The two don't play each other on a yearly basis, but the rotating schedule has left me in a bind this week.

Sunday, I started the trash-talking, and it didn't go over well. I asked what Saturday night would be like, and she told me "as long as you're respectful, we'll be fine." Let's just say, I don't really have plans on being respectful when the Hogs take the field. As you know (because you wrote it in the preseason), this game is our coming-out party. We will show the nation we are a real competitor in this conference. After the game, I will be drunk, loud, and obnoxious. So, what do I do? I've sent out feelers to see if she'd go watch the game with her parents, and that's not gonna fly. How do I celebrate the biggest win of the Petrino era, and keep my wedding on track for next June?

Oh, Clay, please help.

Man, this is really tough. Because let's be clear about something here, you guys are going to score a ton of points against Georgia. Now, the Bulldogs may score a ton of points as well. Which means I foresee a seesaw game that constantly tugs at your emotions. One moment you'll be riding high, the next moment your fiancee's no doubt ample cleavage will be bouncing as she celebrates a big play touchdown.

Your first indication was a good one, getting her out of the house to watch the game elsewhere would be an excellent move. But she's already shot this down. And you're right, I've been predicting how big this game is going to be for Arkansas fans for months. So I can't even consider asking you to tone down the celebration.

So here's what I suggest, give Friday night to her. Take her to her favorite restaurant, go see that stupid movie called "The Time Traveler's Wife," and book her a massage for early Saturday morning. Along the way drop hints about how excited you are about the wedding. Then, try to capitalize with early afternoon sex. Because she might not be willing to sleep with you by the end of the game if Arkansas dominates. In the midst of your post-coital cuddling, lie to her and tell her that no football team could ever come between your relationship. Explain that you'll root for Georgia in every game for the next five years that doesn't feature them playing Arkansas. This is a white lie, and it's good practice for marriage. Then I think you'll be good for the evening.

Also, only cheer your team, don't tear down her team via trash talk as much as you might like to do so. As a bonus, if your team loses, she might be willing to sleep with you again. Consider this a rare treat.

Please update on us on how the game goes.

Godspeed.

Tim M. writes:

I\'ve got a trip together to LSU-Florida in Baton Rouge, I have plane tickets, but no game tickets. I need four, I'd prefer four together but I'd do two-and-two if necessary. You know all that is SEC. Better to lay out the cash for tickets now and have them in hand? Or wait it out and take my chances with the scalpers on game day if it comes to it?

Thanks.

See, I always advocate waiting on buying tickets for SEC games because inevitably the tickets are cheaper at the game than they are online. Now, the only caveat to this advice is, if you really care where your seats are, i.e. if you're a seat snob and insist on sitting in a particular locale. That can be tough.

As is, I think you'll probably be good with either a two-by-two -- which probably gets you in cheaper -- or four together. Even numbers are gold for scalpers and easy to find. So are solo seats, but what are you, a serial killer? You don't go to a game by yourself.

Also, if you're going to a game and you need an odd number of seats, three, five, seven or something of the like, then simply jettison someone for the good of the group. It's so much more difficult otherwise.

Tami E. writes

Dear Mr. Travis,

My name is Tami and I work for Pearson Education. I am attaching a permissions request to use a two paragraph excerpt from "ClayNation: Madden Curse doesn't really exist - yet." from Oct. 2, 2006 in our textbook The Scott, Foresman Writer, 5E by John Ruszkiewicz, Dan Seward, Christy Friend, Maxine Hairston. Please let me know if you can grant us permission.

Thank you for your time; and I look forward to hearing from you.

You know you've made it big when your article about the Madden Curse is being included in a writing textbook. I wrote back and asked whether the excerpt was going to be used in a positive or negative manner. Tami said she didn't know.

That's kind of important, right?

If Tami doesn't know, this means it has to be negative. Don't they have to disclose this?

Like if someone wrote to you and said they wanted to use your photo for a catalog, you'd want to know what was being sold, right? Herpes ointment or Viagra, not so much. Also, you'd want to know what photo they were using. A few months ago my wife took a photo of me playing with my son in the hallway. I was wearing a wife-beater and chasing him around on my knees. We were playing a complicated game called, "Daddy scares Fox."

In the photo, I looked like a dying milk cow.

I don't think I'd want that picture to be used anywhere.

Anyway, I said yes to the excerpt. Now I'm going to be mocked in the pages of a textbook. Awesome.

Scott F. writes:

Clay,
Just a quick question. As a diehard Michigan fan, [was] it acceptable to be rooting for Ohio State [against USC] based on the fact that I feel that the Big Ten conference as a whole desperately needs this win?

See, this is when you know "ManifeSECt Destiny" is taking hold across the country. Hated Big Ten rivals are contemplating rooting for each other.

I got this e-mail the day before the Ohio State-USC game, but I thought the question provided a teachable moment even though the game is now passed. (I'm big on using the phrase teachable moment this week in case you haven't noticed.)

I'm torn on this of late. In the past, I've always advocated rooting for conference supremacy in all out-of-conference games. But lately I think there might need to be a built-in exception where you can root against your most hated rival if they've been dominating you of late and the game provides a platform that aids in further domination. (I'd exclude all bowl games, you have to root for your conference then.) Because otherwise you're countenancing an embarrassment of riches for your rival.

I literally thought on this question for the past two days.

And I'm going to say, ultimately, that it would be acceptable to root for Ohio State in the above scenario. But here's the deal, it's permissible, not required. You make your own fan call. You can also root for the stadium to explode.

Sayward F. writes:

I followed your link in the UCLA/Tenn game article in regards seeing the elephant, but this was not what I learned it meant. [A college professor] explained that Rudyard Kipling had written an essay about three blind men retold in poetic form. It was apparently a pretty popular story and poem leading up to the Civil War and many generals would tell there men they were about to see the elephant. Trying to describe war without experiencing it would be like one of the blind men trying to understand the elephant as a whole based on each man's limited knowledge.

Also, I overheard some fratty daddy types in a downtown Memphis restaurant debating whether or not you were a tool for questioning Tebow's celibacy. It was a rather amusing conversation to say the least. It was a split decision.

Come for the football, stay for debates about the derivation of the term "seeing the elephant." I like your explanation better.

As for the debate you overheard, my friends listen to my radio show just so they can catch callers who insult me. The best? Recently someone referred to me as a, wait for it, "smut peddler." Seriously.

I had no idea this word was still in usage. I kind of like it to be honest. Clearly I have a ton in common with Larry Flynt.

Nate T. writes:

Had this passed on to me this morning ... check out the hide and seek just past the 40-second mark. Poor guy. I also like the heartwarming ending...



Greatest video I've seen in a long time. That sprint has John Chavis salivating.

Also, is it really any surprise that a tiger would be interested in a really fat man who doesn't move that fast? Are they friends or is the tiger planning on eating him? I think it's the latter.

Having watched this story, I'm also convinced that Les Miles visits the tiger cage and talks to Mike in the same way that Nixon talked to the White House portraits. I might do an entire column on this, Les talking to Mike the Tiger.