Week in Review: Obama Blasts Kanye, Rich Rod Turns Blind Eye

The comment was never supposed to get out. But thanks to the "new media" Barack Obama's true feeling escaped for the world to hear.

"Rich Rodriguez is a jackass," he said.

The president was just getting warmed up.

"So are Delonte West, Eric Mangini, Dunta Robinson, Bobby Brown, Michael Jordan and Jimmy Carter."

Obama said that during an off-the-record interview with CNBC last week. ABC's Terry Moran quickly put it on his Twitter page. Then the Secret Service showed up and waterboarded him.

Before agents in sunglasses show up at my door, a small clarification: Obama actually called only Kanye West a jackass. I threw in the others because Obama's the president and is supposed to reflect the views of 300 million Americans who've never been caught with a gun down their pants.

In a truly odd story, West got nabbed while driving a three-wheeled motorcycle. The Cavs guard had a Beretta 9mm in his waistband, a .357 magnum strapped to his leg and shotgun in a guitar case slung over his shoulder.

Didn't West ever hear the words "Plaxico" and "Burress?" Maybe Antonio Pierce was riding in a sidecar like Colonel Klink and planned to hide the guns from cops. Whatever, it gave Wild Wild West a slight edge over Rodriguez for last week's biggest jackass.

We're not counting Kanye since drunken rap stars are supposed to act like they've been freshly lobotomized. We hold coaches at major institutions of higher learning more accountable.

Michigan's coach didn't hold linebacker Jonas Mouton very accountable after he punched a Notre Dame player last Saturday. Rodriguez denied anything untoward happened, though the Big Ten saw the same tape and suspended Mouton for a game.

All of which proves Rich Rod is no Mangini.

Yahoo! reported Cleveland's coach fined an unidentified player $1,701 for taking a $3 bottle of water form a hotel mini-bar during a preseason trip. If Rodriguez coached the Browns the player could have burned down the hotel and would have been named team captain.

No wonder Obama thinks he's a jackass, even if he didn't exactly say so. Speaking of exact phraseology, the Quote of the Week:

"1829."

That was Blitzer's answer when Alex Trebek asked "When was the War of 1812?" on Celebrity Jeopardy last week.

Blitzer ended up with minus-$4,600, breaking the "Duh" record previously held by Tori Spelling's cat. At least nobody accused CNN's star correspondent of being a jackass.

"No, he's just a dumb---," Obama said.

Off the record, of course.

As for on-the-record news, there was plenty of it last week.

Sunday

Kanye West grabs a microphone from Taylor Swift during an MTV awards show and says, "If I'd done this for Michael Jordan at the Hall of Fame, y'all would all be cheering."

Tests reveal that Australian racehorse Tuscan Abbe is a hermaphrodite, i.e. a mare with internal male testes. She immediately retires to stud with herself.

Embroiled in a contract dispute with GM Rick Smith, Houston cornerback Dunta Robinson wears cleats with the message "Pay Me Rick." Smith responds by writing "Tackle Somebody" on his wingtips.

Monday

Oscar Pistorius, the double amputee 400-meter runner from South Africa, is charged with assaulting a woman during a party. In an unfortunate choice of words, the prosecuting attorney says if it goes to trial Pistorius won't have a leg to stand on.

Iraqi authorities release Muntadhar al-Zeidi, who threw his shoes at George W. Bush during a press conference last December. He turns down a contract offer from MSNBC and signs to play cornerback with Houston.

In a thinly-veiled effort to become Serena William's doubles partner, Roger Federer curses the chair umpire and loses the U.S. Open final.

Tuesday

Former president Jimmy Carter says the "overwhelming portion" of NFL fans hate the Raiders because they wear black uniforms.

After recovering crack addict/singer Whitney Houston tells Oprah Winfrey that Bobby Brown "was my drug," the San Francisco Chronicle reports the Barry Bonds also tested positive for Bobby Brown during the 2001 season.

Abraham Korotki, a 69-year-old New York man, wins $20,982 in a Ladies No-Limit poker tournament in Atlantic City, beating Caster Semenya, Renee Richards and Tuscan Abbe in the final round.

Wednesday

Due to the worsening economy, the Miami Heat announce GM Pat Riley and coach Erik Spoelstra and several front-office members will take pay cuts in order to help pay for the foie gras on the players' post-game buffet.

Lawrence Taylor tells the Yes network that he submitted a teammate's urine during a 1987 drug test that revealed he was pregnant.

After Kansas newspapers report a couple was held up at knifepoint while having sex in a dumpster, Rick Pitino calls a press conference to say he was not in Kansas on a recruiting trip but he'd like whoever has his wallet to please return it.

Thursday

Well-known New York news anchor Ernie Anastos drops an F-bomb during a newscast and immediately improves to No. 3 in world tennis rankings.

Israel announces that if U.N. sanctions fail it will be forced to launch a preemptive strike to destroy Delonte West's nuclear capability.

Brian McNamee tells ESPN that he routinely injected Bobby Brown into Roger Clemens' rear end when Clemens pitched for the Blue Jays.

Friday

Barack Obama tapes five Sunday morning news shows in an attempt to convince Americans the budget deficit won't explode if Brett Favre is allowed access to government-run health care.

A woman pays $63,000 in a charity auction to have dinner with Sarah Palin. The only condition is Palin must learn how to use a fork.

Ruth Day, a 64-year-old British widow, gets two hole-in-ones in a single round. Who says there is never anything worth writing about in women's golf?

Saturday

Floyd Mayweather Jr. beats Juan Manuel Marquez despite the fact judge Rich Rodriguez scored it a 0-0 draw since he didn't see a punch thrown.

With the White House reportedly pressuring him not to run for re-election, New York governor David Paterson accuses Barack Obama of being a racist.

Hoping to be taken more seriously, Erin Andrews works the Georgia-Arkansas game wearing a pair of glasses and a smoking jacket.

This week's guaranteed developments

Kanye West interrupts a papal mass to declare Beyonce should be the next pope.

Undercover video will show ACORN workers in nine states offering an actor dressed up as Jerry Jones advice on how to sign Pacman Jones.

Tuscan Abbe will announce she is coming out of retirement to run for the South African track team.