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The Dugout: Rational Human Beings

Sep 21, 2009 – 11:30 PM
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B. Thompson Stroud

B. Thompson Stroud %BloggerTitle%

Everyone is out to get Milton Bradley. First it was the umpires, then it was Lou Piniella (or was it Lou, then the umpires? I can't remember). Now, the Chicago Cubs have sent Milton home for the rest of the season just for going to the media and talking about how much he hates the Chicago Cubs, people who like the Chicago Cubs, Chicago, bears, and humanity. When is this guy going to catch a break?

Tonight's Dugout gives you a sneak peek at what to expect when Bradley takes this issue to a higher power than Steve Bartman and his Mystery Goat, or whoever is in charge in Chicago.

The Dugout

**Online Host**
Welcome to the Major League Baseball Players Association Grievance Hearing Chatroom!
Arbitrator: I AM THE GREAT SHYAM DAS! I hear all, I decide all! Mighty suspensions become four day weekends in my presence! Tremble before my arbitration!

Arbitrator: Be warned, ye who-


what is going on with your hair

HendryHuggins: lol sorry i just woke up
Arbitrator: Who are you! Are you Meatloaf? We are not making Bat Out Of Hell IV no matter how many times you ask!
HendryHuggins: no, my name is Jim Hendry and the Major League Baseball Players Association has filed a general grievance against me for suspending Milton Bradley
MiltonBradley: before you ask, yes that is my real name, and if you mention the barrel of monkeys I will make it about race
Arbitrator: What is the issue!
HendryHuggins: when I signed volatile, locker room poisoning journeyman, I expected him to produce without issue
MiltonBradley: and when I signed with the Chicago Cubs, I expected to win the World Series
MiltonBradley: but instead, all I found was a large building made out of bricks and grass full of people watching me play, having opinions on the things I do
Arbitrator: Mr. Hendry, how could you allow this to happen?
HendryHuggins: Milton isn't giving you the entire story. We saw how successful the Indians were signing Kerry Wood, so we decide to also offer 10 million dollars a year to a player nobody else wanted
HendryHuggins: Bradley repaid us by underperforming, accusing the fans of racism, and getting into a "dust up" with our head coach
Arbitrator: as someone making legal decisions about baseball, I know nothing about baseball... who is your coach?
HendryHuggins: A gentle, unassuming elderly man named Lou Piniella. He's so nice, we call him "Sweet Lou."
Arbitrator: is Sweet Lou in the chatroom today?
PiniellaOnTheDonkey: YOU'RE GOD DAMNED RIGHT HE IS, WHO DOES A GUY HAVE TO CUNNALING TO GET A WORD IN
MiltonBradley: Shut up Lou! Stay out of this!
PiniellaOnTheDonkey: I SWEAR TO GOD THIS WILL NEVER END, I WILL HUNT YOU LIKE THE WOLVES AND SKULLF*** YOUR HEART
Arbitrator: Lou, what caused the disagreement?

PiniellaOnTheDonkey: MA BRADLEY PUT A BALLCAP ON A MEMORABLE DUMP AND CALLED IT MILTON


THIS GUY IS A PIECE OF [expletive] IS WHAT I'M GETTING AT

MiltonBradley: I'm used to it! Lou Piniella, am I right folks?
PiniellaOnTheDonkey: GET A CLUE SH**BIRD I WILL BRING DOWN THE THUNDER ON YOU, I WILL BECOME THE SKY ITSELF
HendryHuggins: Milton has a problem accepting authority, especially from Lou and myself
MiltonBradley: how am I supposed to respect my bosses when they act look and act like the f***in' Nuns on the Run
Arbitrator: Did you accuse the fans of racism?
MiltonBradley: America doesn't believe in racism. Nobody wants to listen to me. Bring those microphones closer and I will tell you more about this
Arbitrator: /gives life-giving attention
MiltonBradley: I'm talking about hatred, period. I'm talking about when I go to eat at a restaurant, I have to listen to the waiters bad-mouthing me at another table, sitting in a restaurant, that's what I'm talking about -- everything.
PiniellaOnTheDonkey: I HATE YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE SH***Y AT BASEBALL
MiltonBradley: You hate me because I'm black!
PiniellaOnTheDonkey: I CAN HATE YOU FOR TWO REASONS
Arbitrator: What racist things to the fans say about you, Milton?
MiltonBradley: I don't know, I have never listened to what someone else has to say
MiltonBradley: All I'm saying is I just pray the game is nine innings, so I can be out there the least amount of time as possible and go home
HendryHuggins: Then why complain when I send you home immediately, after you have done nothing?
MiltonBradley: because I still want money
PiniellaOnTheDonkey: CRYBABY MILLIONAIRE SPOILED WHINING NOGOOD ATHLETES AAHHHHH THE INTERNET MUST KNOW ABOUT THIS
Arbitrator: What do you-
PiniellaOnTheDonkey: UNDERSTAND THIS YOU PIECE OF F***ING [expletive], I WILL SPLIT THE EARTH FROM BENEATH YOU LIKE GIGANTO
PiniellaOnTheDonkey: I WILL END YOUR LIFE IN THE DEN OF THE MOLE MAN
HendryHuggins: hey don't end anybody's life in there, I like my den!
Arbitrator: Milton, what would make you happy?
MiltonBradley: first of all, I want all white people removed from the game of baseball
Arbitrator: So after I get rid of the Red Sox, what else would you like?
MiltonBradley: secondly, I find cupcakes to be offensive all of a sudden, so I would like to alter my previous agreement to include 100 dollar bills and full wedding cakes at my request
Arbitrator: that seems perfectly reasonable
MiltonBradley: thirdly I want to be the only person allowed in the stadium on game day, and I want to be able to make up the score based on nothing
Arbitrator: Okay. Will these things make you happy?
MiltonBradley: no, but do them anyway
PiniellaOnTheDonkey: /mashes palms into keyboard, breaks off front of desk
Arbitrator: I have come to a decision. I am shortening Milton Bradley's suspension from "all games" to "zero games."
Arbitrator: Jim Hendry is fired as general manager and Lou Piniella is suspended indefinitely
PiniellaOnTheDonkey: WELL GREAT F*** THIS SEASON AT LEAST NOW I'VE GOT TIME TO CATCH UP ON MY HOBBIES

PiniellaOnTheDonkey: /puts unopened pack of cigarettes into mouth


/lights head on fire

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