Mailbag: Alabama's Trash Talk

Ole Miss fans do not take kindly to being called white trash. Even when the person doing it is clearly just trying to get a rise out of them. In fact, they take so unkindly to it, that, should you do it, they'll find your home phone number, call your parents and threaten you with death. Ouch. They also might find out that you do some side work modeling. Luckily, local news is on the case as you can see by the preceding link.

So our beaver pelt trader of the week is this guy from Alabama.

Primarily because his 'Bama Bangs are so fantastic it's impossible for him to be injured by the angry mob of Mississippians who want him dead. His brain is encased with a force field of hair fluff. He'll survive. On to my picks against the French girl who has never seen football and All That and a Bag of Mail.

An update on Clay vs. the French girl. Last week, our fourth week of competition, I finally started to exert some old-fashioned North American dominance. I went 4-2 in picks while Audrey went 1-5.

That means our tally now stands:

Clay 12-11-1
Audrey 9-14-1

Here are our games this week. My picks are in bold:

Georgia @ Tennessee -1.5

Oregon -3.5 @ UCLA

Alabama -5 @ Ole Miss

Florida -7.5 @ LSU

Michigan @ Iowa -8

Colorado @ Texas -32

Audrey's Picks:

Tennessee
UCLA
Florida
Iowa
Colorado

Chad M. sends us this link, along with this message: Be sure to let your female Florida fans know about this.

I'll save you the click-thru, Little Debbie is giving away 2 million free snack cakes. If proportions hold true, 450 thousand of them or thereabouts will end up on Florida's campus.

Josh B. writes:

As you know, Tim Tebow was rocking the beard over the summer, but got rid of it at the start of the season. It appears now that he has started to grow it back, knowing full BGID powers once more. Clearly it was grown in an effort to combat the concussion, and he will start on Saturday.

A few years ago, I argued that Kimbo Slice and other thickly-bearded fighters had a real advantage in MMA. My position was that the beard was the equivalent of moss being draped on the face. And that if two people of equal talent were fighting, the guy with the moss on his face would win because his face was more cushioned from the blows.

Wouldn't a thick beard also lessen the impact if you got hit from the underside of your helmet?

Couldn't the same also be true of thicker hair inside a helmet? Like if you were a running back and you had dreads or an afro wouldn't you be less likely to get a concussion than someone with a shaved head?

Anyway, I have zero doubt that the beard will lead Tebow to victory in the Swamp on Saturday. But am I completely out of line on my beard and thick hair limiting of concussion theory or not?

I don't think so.

We need a doctor to e-mail and set us straight.

Dan J. writes:

Clay,

What's with the emasculation of every guy on television of late? Jim from The Office, Turtle from Entourage, Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men, even Brody Jenner on The Hills. Is it just me or are these guys impossible to watch now?

Great, great point. I used to love Jim. Now? He's really just a puss-bucket.

Same with Turtle. That scene with the UCLA sorority girl in the Entourage finale almost made me want to throw up. Jamie Lynn Sigler is awful on the show too. Why would he want to date her? I don't get it. As for Sheen, the relationship needs to end. At least I think it does.

I disagree a bit on Brody Jenner since I think unlike the other three guys above, his appeal was mostly with women to begin with. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think most guys really looked to Brody Jenner as the epitome of coolness, Did we envy his girls? Yes.

Would we have liked to hang out with him?

I don't think so.

Of course, I might not be the best guy to answer this question anymore. As I watched the new season of The Hills the other night, I was riding an elliptical in my own house. Yep, we own an elliptical machine. Also, I took time out to send a Tweet. This is what five years of marriage does to a man.

I do think there's a common thread here, though. Every show with independent men eventually succumbs to the feminine desire for them not to be independent anymore. It's like when you go to a romantic comedy and you like the first half and then she likes the second half. How many times have you been at a movie and thought to yourself, this thing is going to be one of the funniest movies I've ever seen at the halfway point, and then by the time you finish the entire thing you're ready for it to be over?

Meanwhile your wife or girlfriend is sitting beside you at the beginning thinking, "I can't believe we came to see this movie," and then she's smiling by the end. If they still had see-saws in public parks--they don't, they're considered too dangerous now -- that would be the perfect metaphor. There's rarely an even-plane enjoyment. Somebody has to be up and someone else has to be down.

And so, to get to your question, women have stolen the independence from our male characters. Which infuriates us. And makes the shows almost unwatchable. Especially if you're married. You have to watch the guys on television get emasculated too? Seeing it happen to you and your friends isn't enough.

Must all womankind crush us?

Adam D. writes:

Clay,

After reading your mailbag today, I am fearing that you are headed for the George Costanza realm. It appears you went 3-3 last weekend at best. (CT: Actually 4-2, sir. Count better.) I am not a gambling man, so the spreads aren't exactly what I know much about.

I will say at this point, you are leading me to want to place bets after I read your mailbag on Friday. I think if I just do the opposite of what you pick, I will win big each week! I hope it isn't the pressure of having to beat a French girl. Maybe it is the curse of asking Tebow if he was saving himself for marriage? (which was a classic) Go with the opposite this week. Who knows, maybe you could end up working for the Yankees too?

Let me be clear about this, the French girl is not in my head. It is what it is. I just have to pick one week at a time. I can't worry about what other people think. The only people who can control what happens on that field. ...

You ever notice that when an athlete is rattled they go straight cliche? The most impressive thing about this is how they don't even realize they're going straight cliche.

And, for the record, I am up by three full games on the French girl who has never watched a game of college football in her life.

I own her.

Vive le France? Please. Vive le Clay, more like it.

Dallas J. wrote into the mailbag with a one-liner about the difference between Mississippi State's offense and Jenna Jameson, referencing the Bulldogs choke against LSU, when they repeatedly couldn't convert from four inches out. As this is a family Web site, we can't print the punchline, but surprisingly it has nothing to do with the fullback trap.

But the joke led me to wonder if my knowledge of porn is worth the sacrifices in my life. For instance, I spent an hour today watching a man named Sujith try and scrub my computer of a virus. The first virus, mind you, that my computer has contracted since I started using Firefox.

I'm halfway convinced someone from Comcast is behind this thing.

Undoubtedly my boy Sujith was working the graveyard shift in India while he took over my computer and scrubbed me clean. It's the most like a colonialist oppressor I've ever felt. As if I was getting my boots cleaned for $1 while an entire regiment of men searched for diamonds on "my" land.

I sat and watched him scroll through all the bells and whistles of my computer. Bells and whistles, I didn't even know I had. At the end of our chat, he told me I'd been an ideal customer. And I started thinking, I wouldn't mind having Sujith on constant retainer in gchat.

I think he makes me a better person.

We could be friends, Sujith and I. Already I can tell we have similar tastes in food, movies, and running water. How? He told me he likes all three, and so do I.

Godspeed Sujith, godspeed.

Kevin K. writes:

Unbelievable catch by A.J. Green ... terrible call. His invisible "unsportsmanlike conduct" is the difference between being back around the top 10 and being unranked.

A.J. Green is also the difference between Georgia being 3-2 and 0-5.

Serious question, how does word reach Georgia that the official made the wrong call? Do they telephone Mark Richt at his office? His secretary pages him and says, "It's the SEC on line 1, Coach Richt."

What if Richt doesn't take the call?

Do they leave a voicemail message?

"Hello, um, Coach Richt, this is the SEC. We just wanted to say that, um, you know, we're sorry about the call the other night. We blew that one. Shouldn't have been a penalty. Well, hope your day is going great. See y'all at the the Peach Bowl...maybe. God Bless."

How awkward must this phone call be? I can't even think of a proper analogy anywhere else in life. My best effort? It's kind of like being told that you have an STD by the doctor. Making all the phone calls to all your past partners, and then after you've told them all that you're infected, getting a call where the doctor says he was reading a file with the name Ron Mexico on it instead of yours, and that you're actually clean.



Yep, the damage is already done.

Having said all of that, Les Miles scored on a 33-yard running play and the refs later called a celebration penalty on LSU to try and make up for the call on Georgia. So it turned into an NBA basketball game in Athens. If you're a Georgia fan, do you really believe that Les Miles wouldn't have found a way to win? In fact, Georgia should have still won. Getting penalized 15 yards didn't mean they couldn't tackle someone on the kickoff return, or that they couldn't tackle Scott at some point before he crossed the goal line.

Also, any thoughts among the Bulldog faithful that this might be karmic payback for the on-field celebration against Florida two years ago? Especially with Stafford going down the next day. It's like Final Destination comes to college.

E-mail your questions, no matter how ridiculous, to Clay.Travis@gmail.com and if you're extremely fortunate, you might one day be featured in the august Interet pages of All That and a Bag of Mail.