Presidents Cup Lovefest = Snoozefest

SAN FRANCISCO -- What if they threw a golf tournament and a Miss America Pageant broke out?

Such was the Presidents Cup, which again had so many hugs and kisses you expected Fred Couples would be presented a tiara and scepter at the closing ceremony.

A good time was had by all at Harding Park, which was not a good thing. If the Presidents Cup is ever going to matter, it needs a little less self-adoration and a little more animosity.

By matter, I mean give viewers a reason to click over from the NFL on an October afternoon. The average American sports fan is conditioned to expect a couple of simple things -- the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat.

Failing those, how about a little suspense? The U.S. was so dominant I was afraid Barack Obama was going to call and apologize to the International team.

If he didn't, Couples might have after Tiger Woods clinched the deciding point while seven matches were still going on. It really was over before it's over, and the U.S. is now 6-1-1 in Presidents Cups.

"I'm sure it's lots of fun to win one," Geoff Ogilvy said. "Hopefully we can get sussed out in Melbourne."

If you're not up on your Aussie slang, that means he hopes the Internationals figure things out by the next Presidents Cup in Melbourne. I doubt they will, but it would be nice if they had more trouble swallowing their medicine.

"We had a great time," Vijay Singh said.

The Presidents Cup is too fun for its own good.
Everybody did. Michael Jordan shared cigar stories with Bill Clinton. Barry Bonds showed up and was cheered. Forty-two years after the Summer of Love, San Francisco gave us a weekend everybody loved.

"I can't express how much fun I've had," said assistant coach Jordan.

That's the problem. The Presidents Cup is too fun for its own good. Players like it because it's not the cut-throat Ryder Cup. It's no joy playing crazed Euros who get knighted if they beat the evil golf superpower.

Rest assured, David Beckham will never be hired as an assistant for the European Ryder Cup team. It's serious business with serious implications. Couples and Greg Norman went out of their way to avoid such things.

It was all about sportsmanship and camaraderie and bonding over 5-woods. I'm for all that. Golf is not supposed to be the NFL. It's also not supposed to be a Junior League quilting bee.

On the eve of the 1949 Ryder Cup, Ben Hogan complained about the grooves on the clubs some of the British players. It was retaliation for the British having his clubs inspected in 1947. It also turned out a few of the Brits were using illegal clubs.

I didn't expect the entire team to tromp through somebody's putting line, like it inadvertently did while celebrating Justin Leonard's putt at the 1999 Ryder Cup.

I didn't expect Woods to start sharing death stares with Y.E. Yang, like Paul Azinger and Seve Ballesteros used to do on the Ryder circuit.

But a little gamesmanship would have been nice. If nothing else, Couples could have asked to see Ryo Ishikawa's birth certificate to make sure he's really 18. Heck, Hogan would have demanded the Internationals all produce Green Cards on the first tee.

Now that would have made good TV. But the last thing anyone wanted was to put a whiff of rivalry in the sweet San Francisco air.

So what did we end up with? Four days of pure golf. It was pretty good if you like such things.

When it ended, however, there was no agony in defeat for the Internationals. There was thrill in victory for the Americans, but it was nothing compared to what we see in that other international competition.

Recall a year ago, when Azinger cajoled a Tiger-less team to an upset win. The players shook hands and performed all the expected sportsmanlike things. Then they ran around waving Old Glory and high-fiving fans.

Contrast that with Sunday, where the teams sat on stage and congratulated themselves on staging such a splendid event. Then everybody had one last hug and went on their merry way.

"It was a phenomenal week," Couples said.

They're already looking ahead to Melbourne, where another fun time will be had by all. I'm looking forward to next year's Ryder Cup.

When it comes to true fun, that's the event that has really sussed things out.