Week in Review: Praying for Peace in the Sports World

The Nobel Prize Committee caused a stink last week when it awarded the Heisman Trophy to Barack Obama.

The president admitted he was a bit surprised, but then again he wasn't sure why those kooky Norwegians also gave him a Peace Prize. I think they see how Obama's diplomatic skills can quell some of our most bitter disputes.

Israel-Palestinians. Iran-Sanity. Braylon-LeBron. Bobby Bowden-Father Time. Charlie Weis-Pollsters. Miguel Cabrera-Sobriety. Rush Limbaugh-NFL players.

(Note: We refuse to throw in Jon and Kate since we are sick of those no-talents hogging tabloid attention that should be going to David Letterman's sex life).

When it comes to warring factions, comedians and the Middle East had nothing on America's sports scene last week. It started in Cleveland where Braylon Edwards allegedly whacked LeBron James' pal Edward Givens outside a nightclub.

The Cavaliers immediately traded Edwards to New York and gave Givens a $10 million bonus. Sadly, last week's other disputes weren't so easily resolved.

Cabrera apparently couldn't hit anything except the bottle and his wife. Weis accused pollsters of being drunk for not ranking his vaunted Notre Dame team. Speaking of overweight blowhards, news broke that Limbaugh is part of a group interested in buying the Rams.

That triggered the requisite Left-Right sniping. Fox News reported the Rams would immediately increase in value from 79 cents to $924 million. MSNBC said Limbaugh planned to name Dick Cheney general manager and have minstrel shows at halftime.

I'm not sure even Obama can resolve these thorny issues, which explains why the Nobel committee took away my vote and gave it to Keith Olbermann. But unlike Limbaugh, I will not hope the president fails to bring peace to strife-torn spots like FSU's football program.

Talk about a nasty week. Bigwig trustee Jim Smith said Bowden must go and compared his exit to having to "put down your favorite dog." Gov. Charlie Cris jumped to Bowden's defense and said the legendary coach should not be euthanized under any circumstances.

Can't we all just get along? Or to quote our Quote of the Week, "Let's go get a milkshake."

According to Theo Fleury's new book, that's what a junior league coach used to say to Fleury after he molested him. That's so sick I can't even make a joke about it.

I can only hope that somebody brings a little hope and change before Notre Dame gets nuclear weapons and attacks AP voters. In the meantime, here's a look at last week's sobering developments.

Sunday

Miguel Cabrera blames his 0-for-11 performance against the White Sox on the fact he was getting drunk until 5 AM with members of the Nobel Peace Prize committee.

After catching zero passes in a loss to Cincinnati, Braylon Edwards tells the media he was saving his hands for punching LeBron James' 135-pound friend later that night.

A CAT Scan of Tim Tebow's head is postponed after neurologists are unable to fit the device around Tebow's halo.

Monday

David Letterman goes on Late Night and apologizes to his wife for appearing in ESPN the Magazine's Nude issue.

Minnesota beats Green Bay 30-23, prompting hundreds of Green Bay fans to put their sons named Brett up for adoption.

Tom DeLay informs Dancing With The Stars judges that he has stress fractures in both feet but Florida doctors might still clear him to play against LSU.

Tuesday

At a press conference promoting the release of their new album, KISS lead singer Gene Simmons takes off his makeup to reveal he is really Bobby Bowden.

A Wakulla, Fla., teenager is arrested after two teachers and seven students eat marijuana brownies he'd taken to school. He later admits to sending a second batch to the Nobel Peace Prize committee.

Wednesday

Despite the fact his team has won four games by an average 0.3 points, Charlie Weis questions why Notre Dame is unranked and he hasn't been named coach of the year.

After seeing how David Letterman's ratings have soared, WNBA officials announce the Phoenix Mercury has had an affair with Late Night interns.

Giants defensive end Mathias Kiwanuka says he will never play for Rush Limbaugh or any owner that installs Whites-Only drinking fountains.

Thursday

Michael Vick announces he will star in a reality show on BET in which he will live in a house with FSU trustee Jim Smith and discuss the finer points of dog euthanasia.

A gator rips off the arm of a South Carolina golfer who was trying to get results of Tim Tebow's CAT Scan.

The Congressional Budget Office announces the proposed health care bill will save $81 billion by not covering Al Davis' psychiatric bills.

Friday

In an unprecedented NASA/NFL experiment, one of JaMarcus Russell's errant throws crashes into the moon, then a probe passes through the mushroom cloud to search for traces of Darius Heyward-Bey.

On the same day Barack Obama gets the Nobel Peace Prize, Alex Rodriguez gets a clutch hit in the playoffs. Despite claims from Red Sox fans and the Republican National Committee, experts confirm it is not April 1st.

The IOC announces golf will be included in the 2016 Olympics if Brazil can build a golf course by then.

Saturday

The FSU-Georgia Tech game is delayed after Bobby Bowden gets disoriented and drives around Tallahassee for 90 minutes with his turn signal blinking.

At the Human Rights Campaign annual dinner, Barack Obama renews his pledge to keep the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy for Cleveland Browns fans.

This week's guaranteed developments or your money back:

The Nobel Prize committee will demand the Vatican award sainthood to Barack Obama.

On the 20th anniversary of the earthquake World Series, Jose Canseco will say the quake occurred the instant he injected HGH into Mark McGwire's rear end.

Charlie Weis will question why ESPN did not feature him in this year's Nude issue.