Limbaugh Couldn't Get Over the 'Humps'

Did you hear about the former drug addict who spouts controversial views to millions of fans and wants to be an NFL owner?

As soon as the paperwork is in, she will be.

Yes, we're talking about Stacy Ann Ferguson. She's better known as Fergie, hip-hop vocalist for the Black Eyed Peas, actress, fashion designer and soon-to-be part owner of the Miami Dolphins.

The NFL owners voted her in on Tuesday, just about the time they were deciding another former addict who spouts controversial views to millions of fans was not worthy of their club.

"We're held to a higher standard here," Commissioner Roger Goddell said.

You can see why Rush Limbaugh might be a little confused.

His aborted quest to become part-owner of the St. Louis Rams had critics howling and the NFL scrambling for a way out. Meanwhile, Fergie got in without even a peep of moral outrage from Al Sharpton or Jesse Jackson.

I don't want to say double standard, but apparently Goodell doesn't have My Humps on his iPod.

What's the difference between Rush and Fergie?

For one thing, she has much better abs. She also is not a racist who saw the bright side of slavery and says the NFL is a bunch of gang-bangers.

At least that's what I read about Limbaugh. He says people have taken his comments out of context or made them up, and he's challenged critics to prove he said some of the most incendiary things that sank his ownership bid.

So far, none have been able to. But no matter, he's Rush Limbaugh. The mere name provokes a Pavlovian reaction of disgust or admiration, and the NFL doesn't want such a polarizing figure in its ownership midst.

"Divisive comments are not what the NFL is all about," Goodell said.

You mean, like this?

"I have had lesbian experiences in the past. I won't say how many men I've had sex with – but I am a very sexual person."

Or how about these anti-war lyrics from Where Is The Love?

"A war is goin' on but the reasons undercover.

"The truth is kept secret, it's swept under the rug."

But fear not, NFL owners. Not that all Fergie's songs would set off a riot at the local VFW post.

"I'ma get get get get you drunk.

"Get you love drunk off my hump.

"My hump my hump my hump my hump my hump

"My hump my hump my hump my lovely little lumps".

Good God, if Al Davis were still alive that vision might give him a heart attack.

Then there was the time Fergie urinated during a performance and doused herself in champagne to obscure the evidence.

"I had a few drinks before going onstage, but I didn't think to go to the bathroom," she explained. "We were jumping around and my bladder just started ... you know."

If the NFL held itself to much higher of a standard, Courtney Love will soon own the Philadelphia Eagles.

I know, Fergie is just an "entertainer" so nothing she does really matters. Isn't Limbaugh also just derided as a conservative clown act that shouldn't be taken seriously?

As an avowed member of the "state-controlled media" Limbaugh detests, I'm not necessarily against lesbianism, sexual promiscuity, anti-war messages or peeing all over yourself in front of thousands of people.

But the NFL has a big tent of ticket buyers. My guess is there are at least a few consumers who don't care for Fergie's worldview. They might even find her stance on morality and the Iraq War "divisive."

With all the due diligence the NFL supposedly puts prospective owners through, shouldn't at least a tinkling of alarm bells gone off when Fergie told a magazine she was such a methadone freak she spent eight hours a day talking to a hamster?

"It wasn't a hamster," she later clarified. "It was a hamper."

In other words, Fergie was misquoted and/or taken out of context. Hey, isn't that the Limbaugh Defense?

"All I know is from the comment I heard, he said in [President] Obama's America, white kids are getting beat up on the bus while black kids are chanting 'right on,' " said Mathias Kiwanuka.

The Giants' defensive end was one of the first players to say he'd never suit up for a Limbaugh-owned team. If he'd bothered to investigate the comment, he would have discovered Limbaugh was not saying Obama's vision is for black kids to beat up white kids. Limbaugh was making fun of Newsweek's cover-story assertion that white children are born racist.

If you read the transcripts where most of his critics got their ammo, you'll see how phrases have been taken out of context. But like Kiwanuka, most people rely on what other people tell them about people like Limbaugh and Fergie.

So please, conduct your own investigation into whether she meant "hamster" or he meant NFL games often look like a game "between the Bloods and the Crips without any weapons."

Apparently the NFL isn't interested in such nuance. With Limbaugh, it always gets back to his ESPN gig and Donovan McNabb and "the media has always been very desirous that a black quarterback do well."

I suppose I should be ashamed to admit it, but I sort of wanted a black quarterback to excel in order to shut up the bigots who said blacks weren't smart enough to do the job. Judging by the media backlash, I'm the only sportswriter who ever felt that way.

It became Limbaugh's Jimmy The Greek Moment, and a major reason Sharpton was so pleased Wednesday night when Limbaugh dropped out of the proposed ownership group.

"It's a moral victory for all Americans," he said.

For some reason, the moral lessons from a song started floating through my head.

"What you gon' do with all that ass?

"All that ass inside them jeans?

"I'm a make, make, make, make you scream.

"Make you scream, make you scream."

The Reverend apparently finds the Black Eyed Peas positively Fergalicious. I know I do.

My Humps has been on my iPod for years. And unlike Limbaugh, what red-blooded footballer wouldn't want to work for someone who once played a stripper on The Sopranos?

Who would you rather see pole dance, Fergie or Jerry Jones?

So welcome to the High-Standard NFL, Ms. Ferguson.

As for Rush, sorry pal. You'll never get over the hump.

If only you had urinated on yourself while talking about Donovan McNabb, you might have stood a chance.