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To me, the playoffs mean one thing: the wise decision-making skills of Cleveland Indians General Manager Mark Shapiro! After firing Jim Thome/snapping turtle hybrid Eric Wedge as the Tribe head coach, Shapiro has really gotten down in the dirt to find a new skipper, looking in the only place you're allowed: the big recycling bin of failed coaches who didn't do a good job somewhere else and were fired by someone else. Why they sound PERFECT!Fun fact: That guy in the photo to the right was eating in Heritage Park and just throwing his trash on the ground. Thanks a lot for your contributions, Cy Young! Have an eighth of a hot dog!
Tonight's Dugout is after the jump.
The Dugout
| **Online Host** Welcome to the ramshackle hovel being used as the Cleveland Indians Front Office Chatroom! |
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ShapiroAndBallyhoo: Slider, c'mere. Which one of these guys should I choose to be the new manager? |
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PhillieFauxnatic: /nods head, pats GM on back, reads over shoulder |
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ShapiroAndBallyhoo: I'm leaning toward the guy who bit the rosin bag and threw it like a grenade. I think I can contact him via Youtube. What say you? |
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PhillieFauxnatic: /shrugs shoulders, puts hands over mouth |
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ShapiroAndBallyhoo: What, you can't talk? Since when? |
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PhillieFauxnatic: /offers delicious Pizza Pan™ brand pizza in form of empty box |
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ShapiroAndBallyhoo: harumph, get out of my sight. |
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ShapiroAndBallyhoo: Dennis, c'mere. Which one of these guys should I choose to be the new manager? |
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InLehmansTerms: I'm not sure I'm qualified to advise you on that, Mark, I'm the Executive Vice President, Business. |
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ShapiroAndBallyhoo: What does that mean? |
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InLehmansTerms: It means I point people toward the LeBron James jerseys. |
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ShapiroAndBallyhoo: I think we can fix this ballclub, Dennis. And if not, hey, even a broken clock shows Tribe Time twice a day. |
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InLehmansTerms: you guys could sell the team to somebody who likes baseball |
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ShapiroAndBallyhoo: I've narrowed it down to four choices based on the only types of people left willing to coach in Cleveland. |
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ShapiroAndBallyhoo: My first thought was, "Hey, are there any teams in the Majors WORSE than the Indians?" |
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ShapiroAndBallyhoo: As it turns out, yes, there was one! So then I got to thinking... why don't we use THEIR coach? |
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ActaFool: baseball is all about going out there and giving it your best! |
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ShapiroAndBallyhoo: Ha! Isn't he hilarious? Say something else, Manny! |
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ActaFool: a walk is as good as a hit! |
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ShapiroAndBallyhoo: Oh brother! Hey Dennis, this is that "Manny" all the kids in the chatrooms love so much.. "Manny being Manny!" |
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InLehmansTerms: I'm not sure that's who they're talking about |
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ActaFool: mark that was a lot of coaching for one day, you got a toilet somewhere i could sleep in |
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ShapiroAndBallyhoo: yeah, you go down the hall out this way through the big doors and keep walking until you see a sign that says "Parma" |
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InLehmansTerms: Who is your second choice? |
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ShapiroAndBallyhoo: Question: Who would still think the Indians were gonna turn that corner and become contenders again? |
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InLehmansTerms: uh... the great Cleveland fans? |
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ShapiroAndBallyhoo: no, seriously |
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InLehmansTerms: baseball fans who haven't been in the United States for several years? |
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MyBobbyValentine: BOOM! Bobby V! Comin' ATCHA! |
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ShapiroAndBallyhoo: Bobby V just lead the Hokkaido Cheese Nips and Ham Sandwiches to a Japanese baseball championship! And I think he's that guy from NC State! |
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MyBobbyValentine: I haven't been paying attention to America since 2004! Tell me, is Hoobastank still the ROCKINGEST F***ING BAND EVER? |
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InLehmansTerms: I thought you were an ESPN analyst? |
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ShapiroAndBallyhoo: don't be naive, Dennis, being an "ESPN analyst" is like being a substitute math teacher, you just read from the notes and keep telling the kids you know what you're doing |
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MyBobbyValentine: So how about that Keisha Castle-Hughes, huh? What a great little actress, I bet she's got a big future ahead of her! |
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InLehmansTerms: so we have to choose between someone who just failed and someone who failed several years ago who is choice number three? |
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ShapiroAndBallyhoo: Travis Fryman. |
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InLehmansTerms: like... actual Travis Fryman? |
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MeatwadAndFryman: hey |
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InLehmansTerms: Why the hell would you give the job to Travis Fryman? |
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ShapiroAndBallyhoo: I wouldn't have to buy another hat. |
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InLehmansTerms: I don't understand how your brain ... or your face works, but managerial choice #4 had better be Mike freaking Hargrove |
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ShapiroAndBallyhoo: who? |
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InLehmansTerms: The guy who lead the Tribe to five consecutive AL Central Division titles and two World Series appearances? |
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InLehmansTerms: he wants to coach again and he wants to do it here, and right now his only job is managing a semi-professional team called the "Liberal BeeJays," a team that I'm pretty sure has Gianna Michaels on the roster |
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InLehmansTerms: It's your big chance to correct the mistakes of John Hart and send the Tribe back in the right direction |
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ShapiroAndBallyhoo: No, choice #4 is this delicious baggie of Jo Jos potato wedges. Mmmm, Jo Jos! |
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InLehmansTerms: Why would... WHY? |
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ShapiroAndBallyhoo: because they are goddamned delicious, that's why |
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ActaFool: excuse me, I'll trade you a button I found on the floor for your bag of Jo Jos |
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ShapiroAndBallyhoo: That sounds fair! |
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