NFL Coaches Fight Club: Ken Whisenhunt (4) vs. Mike McCarthy (5)

NFL Coaches Fight Club: the Tournament. Because we have nothing better to do than predict what might happen if head coaches started punching each other in the face.

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If we did a good job seeding this imaginary tournament of ours, the 4-versus-5 matches should be closer than the paparazzi following Kate Gosselin around. Behold, a matchup which suggests that we occasionally know what we're doing.

From a distance it looks like your typical Southwestern hardbody going up against a generic Midwestern doughball. Ken Whisenhunt just makes Mike McCarthy chase him all over the ring until all that fried cheese catches up with him, then a few swings and it's over.

Looking at their two pedigrees would seem to back that up. Whisenhunt's story would get you a C- in most creative writing classes. He's what writers refer to as a Mary Sue, a character who's just a little too perfect to be believable. Whisenhunt is an Eagle Scout who walked on at Georgia Tech, a school you actually have to be smart to get into. He got a degree in civil engineering. Show me five civil engineering students playing big-time college football today and I'll show you five guys who aren't getting any playing time. Not even on the scout team.

From GT, Whiz became an NFL tight end/blocking back. I love me some blocking backs. They're useless in fantasy football so nobody cares about them any more but there's a darn good reason Lorenzo Neal had a 16-year career in the NFL. Every team needs a guy who's fast and knows how to faceplant a defensive tackle. Whisenhunt was that guy.

Mike McCarthy never played in the NFL. In fact, he never even played in the NCAA. McCarthy was a tight end for Baker University, an NAIA school located about 15 minutes south of Lawrence, Kansas. How a police officer's kid from Pittsburgh wound up there is anybody's guess.

Then again, stop and think about that for a minute. McCarthy traveled from the Steel City to Resume Speed, Kansas, just to play NAIA football. When Ken Whisenhunt was spending his NFL paychecks on Cosby sweaters and lattes (okay, it was the 1980s, so it was probably just General Foods International Coffees) Mike McCarthy was in his first coaching job, tearing apart his car looking for dimes and quarters so he could upgrade from six McNuggets to nine. McCarthy started as a graduate assistant at Fort Hays State, a Division II school in western Kansas.

"Division II graduate assistant" translates to "Here's a dorm room, here's a meal plan, here's no money, here's a job application from Kmart, but be sure to let them know you're only available from 4 to 8 on Sundays, because the rest of the time you'll be chasing down tapes and refilling the defensive coordinator's coffee cup. Kansas City is four and a half hours away, but don't let that get you down. You can't afford the gas to drive there anyway."

From there McCarthy went to Pitt as an unpaid assistant. Hungry man's an angry man, don't you know. Sure, McCarthy doesn't exactly look hungry these days. I live in Wisconsin too. It's a long, cold, dark winter. Tough to go running when it's colder than a penguin's feet outside. Very easy to call for pizza. The state Liquor Control Board also makes sure we all get the free hip flask of blackberry brandy we're entitled to every week. That's why McCarthy is not considered fat by Wisconsin standards.

Call me a local homer, but I'm taking McCarthy. I think his dues-paying gives him a mental toughness that will keep him from getting suckered in by Whisenhunt's Diet Rope-A-Dope. And all of Disgruntled Packerdom just threw up a little at the thought of Mike McCarthy winning any sort of mental battle with anyone.

Except Ted Thompson, of course.