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Whoever was just hired as the hitting coach for the St. Louis Cardinals, raise your hand. All right, you in the suit. Tell us how you got the job. What? You don't want to talk about it? Hey that seems pretty weird! Yes, 2010 will see the return of shadowy figure Mark McGwire to Major League Baseball. He should use his influence to get the Cards to sign Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds to coaching deals as well, and everyone in St. Louis can root for a ball club instructed by the Monstars.
Today's Dugout is after the jump.
The Dugout
| **Online Host** Welcome to the St. Louis Cardinals Batting Practice Chatroom! |
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SonOfJorEl: so what do I do if I'm up against a fastball pitcher? |
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TheGwire: What do you mean? Isn't he going to intentionally walk you? Just don't swing the bat. Then they let you walk to first. |
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SonOfJorEl: I... I don't think so? I mean why would he- |
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TheGwire: Okay, uh, if you don't want to do that, why don't you just try swinging as hard as you can at everything? |
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SonOfJorEl: I'm sorry, Mr. McGwire, I'm trying to learn, honest I am, but not all of us are buit like a Tackleberry from Police Academy action figure |
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SonOfJorEl: Do you have any actual advice about hitting? |
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TheGwire: Here, turn around. I'm going to stick this in your butt. |
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SonOfJorEl: ... ? |
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TheGwire: /makes "turn around" gesture with syringe'd hand |
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SonOfJorEl: I dunno Mr. McGwire, I don't think I should be - |
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TheGwire: Oh stop whining, this is legal. |
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SonOfJorEl: well all right /turns around |
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TheGwire: and by "legal" I mean "legal right now," because Major League Baseball doesn't know about it. Say ahh! /jabs needle into butt |
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SonOfJorEl: wait what were you saying about the AUGHHH |
| **Online Host** SonOfJorEl has been injected with a substance, but you don't have any proof that he has been so unless your judge jury executionar why don't you just shut up |
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TheGwire: There, that should do the trick. |
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SonOfJorEl: What exactly did you stick me with, anyway? |
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TheGwire: it's a product of my own design, we call it "Niceanhappodrine" |
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SonOfJorEl: Oh, that sounds pleasant! /sniffs and it smells like Mistletoe Yankee Candle! |
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TheGwire: Balsam and Cedar, actually. Yeah, me and Canseco discovered this during a deep sea fishing trip back in '87, we've been using it ever since. |
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SonOfJorEl: you and who now |
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TheGwire: Jose bet me that he could dive into the briney deep and crush a living fish to death with his spinal erectors |
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TheGwire: I said that was total horsesh** so of course Jose gnashes a bowie knife between his teeth and dives into the sea in his boxer briefs to prove me wrong |
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SonOfJorEl: why was he in his underwear |
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TheGwire: bout fourteen minutes later Jose surfaces wearing the skin of a manatee and brandishing this gigantic f***ed up snapping turtle |
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TheGwire: long story short, we siphoned the contents of that beast's lower abdomen into mason jars |
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TheGwire: man, the eighties were a fun and exciting time |
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SonOfJorEl: I was eight years old, please just tell me how to hit a baseball |
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TheGwire: Oh, sorry. With this gunk in your bloodstream you should be able to bunt into the upper deck |
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SonOfJorEl: why do you call it "niceanhappodrine" |
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TheGwire: because if we called it "erodes your frenulum and turns you into the Cloverfield monster" nobody would let us stick them with it |
| **Online Host** LaRussasOnFire has entered the chatroom. |
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LaRussasOnFire: Hey Khalil, how's batting practice going? |
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SonOfJorEl: /projectile vomits |
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LaRussasOnFire: That's about what I expected. Mark! How's your first day on the job going so far? |
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TheGwire: I'm not here to talk about the past. |
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LaRussasOnFire: oh, sorry. How is your SECOND day on the job GOING to go? |
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TheGwire: Great! I'm going to teach Albert Pujols about the benefits of taking off for 80 to 90 games per season |
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LaRussasOnFire: Excellent. Hey, when you're doing with Khalil, would you mind helping out Nick Stavinoha? He's really awful. |
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TheGwire: do you want me to inject him with something? |
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LaRussasOnFire: No, not necessarily. |
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TheGwire: do you want me to hug him after I hit a home run? |
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LaRussasOnFire: No. |
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TheGwire: do you want me to not talk about him? |
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LaRussasOnFire: no |
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TheGwire: sorry skip, those are the only things I know how to do. /shrugs shoulders, tears entire back in half |
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